Again... it was a rather restless night. Even though I was tired, I still had a tough time falling asleep and then staying asleep. I've been waking up at about 2:30 in the morning or so for the past few nights. Hopefully I can find the comfortable sleeping spot again, but once I do, the mind just wants to break out of its shell and go crazy.
Eventually I just began to sort through all the thoughts, trying to put them in their own category. It was nice that many thoughts once filed, drifted away. Then it was time to deal with the persistent ones, which, I thought were just random events.
I miss my animals. We went from having two dogs and a cat to three cats to ...none. zip, zero.... nada. We tried really hard to have a cat over here, but Mom C's cat, a real jerk of a cat sometimes, chased her away. True... we puppy sit for Papa quite a bit, but, you know... it's just not the same. Animals bond with their "owners" and that's just the way it should be. Zeus was my dog. A birthday present from Honey, somehow he just knew he belonged with me. Where I was, he was (okay... it didn't help that he had separation anxiety, but still... ) I could be reading on the couch and suddenly I would get the feeling of being watched. There he'd be, head hung slightly by my knee, big ole puppy eyes begging.... The twinkle and excitement that would appear as I put down the book. It was love on both sides. I keep getting reminded of the bond that I enjoyed so much that I don't have any more.
A week or two before Easter, a woman approached Papa because she knows (everyone knows, it seems: small community
) that Papa has a jack russell terrier, Chloe. Her son's family bought a JRT that now with situational changes, don't have nearly as much time for. She asked Papa if perhaps he would take this other dog in. He really considered it, and as much as he wanted to, especially for lazy Chloe, he felt that he wouldn't have enough time for two dogs. He and Honey talked... what if WE adopted the dog instead? A jack russell isn't exactly my idea of an ideal dog, but he would have fit well into the household so we agreed to it. I certainly would have made him feel at home. Unfortunately, the owners changed their mind last minute.
As hard as I was to try and not get myself excited, it didn't work very well and I was pretty disappointed, I have to admit. a little teary even, but I just told myself that he just wasn't the right dog, it wasn't the right timing, blah blah blah... still... as Papa said, now that the thought was out there, they wouldn't have objections for us getting the right dog.
Honey does have his conditions. A big dog in a 900 square foot living space with 5 humans really is impractical. We had black lab mixes and the thought of just one in such a small space in some ways to me would be a form of cruelty. Big dogs need ROOM to move. Plus, we do travel to Mom C and Papa's beach cottage a few times during the summer and a big dog wouldn't fit there, either. Small it is then.
My preference would be to go to a dog rescue shelter and adopt a dog. Unfortunately, most people around here like their retriever, lab, shepherd, husky mixes. We didn't do an extensive search, but the smallest we found was a cockapoo. After visiting the cockapoo, easy maintenance was added to the list of requirements. We don't want to have a dog that needs grooming every 6 weeks or so. Plus, Honey didn't want to walk around telling everyone the dog was a cockapoo. Apparently, cockapoo isn't a very manly word to say....
(giggling behind the smile....) I'm trying to be patient. If we're meant to have a dog, the right one will come to us at the right time. At the moment, it's just hard waiting....
Then my thoughts jumped to the horses. Lately, Mom C is becoming really possessive sounding of the foal that is going to be born at any time. One part of my brain says that of course she should be. They have worked very hard to get where they are and of course, she's excited. She can't wait to imprint her touch, her smell, her attention of HER horse. If only she just toned down Her horse, Her barn, Her everything. DAMN... I don't want to feel anything but happiness for her.. because I AM happy for her, yet, do I feel a little envious as well?
I've been reading A LOT about the bond that forms between rider and horse. It's very intimate. When it's right, your horse becomes an extension of you. When truly focused and working together, you're as one and everything else just fades away. There's the bond you can feel with another living being of care, acceptance, dependence, concern, the need to need and to FEEL needed, the feedback between such a bond, a special form of love.
OMG (sorry Divine...) Is THAT my problem?????
Am I feeling lonely? With my girls independence, am I feeling un-needed? Certainly that thought is crazy....
When you have your babies, not to put too fine a point on it, but... you are their world. You are needed. You willingly and joyfully give so much of yourself and they give it back. Such an amazing feeling of love when they look into your eyes. The communication that exists between parent and baby in that moment is indescribable.
I don't get those looks anymore. The girls look more into my eyes with challenge rather than that dreamy look of love. I know that's normal. I know that they have to test the bonds, I know that's how they learn and grow. And the love is certainly still there, but it's somehow slightly different, slightly more guarded, too.
The level of dependence and need is changing. I have to change, too. Maybe I just don't know how to do it. I still have the desire to nurture and love and give and get equally. It's there, and yet it's not. I want to baby my babies, but I don't want brats on my hands, either. I can't seem to describe with precision what I'm feeling. Is this my true reaction to the twinadoes starting kindergarten? Was it hiding for some reason until the timing was right??? No... inner instinct tells me that somehow its more than that. But what? I don't quite know, or is it that I don't yet want to tell myself.
sigh... See, I told you... crazy thoughts today with no real direction.
Cheers! ~MacKenzie
AND>>>> They did fantastic today! Parrot was a little shy and clung for a few minutes, but when they called her over to the table to start her assessment, she did well. 
Honey and I have talked about this. In August things are going to change a little for us financially. Hopefully, though we'll be okay with me not working for a few months (other than my yucky cleaning job....) so I can have a "me" break during the day. Wow..... to do... whatever. How heavenly is that??? Then, when wreath season starts up I will apply for the day shift. 
