Okay.... I don't know WHAT I'm trying to tell myself, but the past few nights I have been having nightmare after nightmare after nightmare. I'm reallyyyyy starting to get annoyed. And I'm really starting to not want to go to sleep either.....
I suppose fortunately for me, the very last death I witnessed in my dreams made me think to myself, I have to be dreaming, I have to wake up, wake up... WAKE UP!!!! After a series of violence and death all ready in my dreams, I was standing on the top of a mountain at the edge of a steep jagged cliff with a woman dressed in an old fashioned silk gown. She had a shawl around her arms and as the man who had been chasing us/her reached us (as we had NO place left to go), she grabbed my hand in a literal death grip. As the wind swirled towards us, he twirled us around as hard as he could and flung us out over the edge.
Suddenly, the wind grabs ahold of her skirts and shawl and for one brief moment, we hovered. And I swear... she had a choice. She could have somehow maneuvered us towards a distant mountain peak. Instead she stared straight ahead as the wind in a mighty roar began to pummel us upwards into the heavens. Faster and faster we went, and at the same time it almost seemed to take forever.... Coldness seeping in all around us, the air, growing thin, pushing deep into our lungs, onwards and onwards.... It's getting hard to breath. I stare at her hand gripping mine and wonder why I'm not trying to even let go. Ice begins to form on her clothing, icicles hanging from her hair and the folds of her dress as we climb higher and higher through the darkening atmosphere. It's too cold and then as a silent whisper I heard her last breath, the warmth of the last of air from her lungs like a small thin cloud moving away from her mouth. A pause and suddenly downward we spiral, her frozen body next to mine, her eyes closed, mouth open as we begin racing with gravity back down through the heavens. WAKE UP!!!!
In a pleading, small voice I ask the Divine simply... "WTF???" (It's okay... the Divine knows that if I'm swearing, I'm truly mystified, horrified, terrified and ever so truly lost here....If I can say the same to my friends, I feel I should be able to say the same to the Divine, too...) I've seen other people having thin rods thrust through their skulls, I've been shot up with drugs and left in a running car in a garage to die, I've sat frozen as I've watched my girls suffer through death, I've been grabbed from behind and violently shaken, my girls and I have been surrounded by fire with no way out, I've seen some guy's head sliced off with a sword, felt his warm sticky blood splatter all over me.
I gotta tell you; I'm not a happy camper.....
Why? Why now at this particular moment do I have such things running through the back of my head? I haven't been watching anything really violent, not really reading anything of violence, unless one were to consider how successfully we are destroying the planet with our really insensitive and uncaring ways, or the way some people cruelly hunt animals for sport (I truly had no idea what some do for sport) or the just the way some people treat animals in general is pretty darn terrifying.... Down, Soapbox, DOWN!!!! sorry about that
....
After Honey's incoherent murmur of I think "What's going on?" I told him to go back to sleep (although I really think he was anyway...
) and got up to wander the house. Most always, night time is my friend. Night usually gives me a hug and a warm greeting. I love the night. Sometimes you can see the most amazing things without the brightness of light and color to distract you. I wandered towards the sun room with it's big glass doors to stare out at the stars. Although nice, the neighbors up on the hill have a huge streetlight that unfortunately causes a lot of light pollution when you are trying to find what you're looking for among the stars. Sometimes, I can easily ignore it, but last night it was just too much. Then, I found myself carefully maneuvering around the living room furniture, just in case... In case what??? I don't know.. in case some creature with a knife jumps out from under the couch and tries to stab me????
I went to the front window and as I began to poke through the blinds to watch the stars from the other side of the house, I feared that the eyes reflecting back in the glass weren't going to be mine, but some crazed axe murderer who was going to leap through the bay window and hack me to pieces.
I moved away from the window.... Finally it was music that took the jitters away and gently sent me back to bed.
I've long held the belief that things happen for a reason. Sure, there are some random events, I think???, but some are supposed to happen when they happen. That's part of how I dealt with my dad and my son's death.... there was a reason for it and even though I didn't know what it was, hopefully some day I would/will. (sorry.... death on the mind today, you see...) The nightmares are being very persistent after three nights in a row. Is there something I'm supposed to learn? I'm not afraid of death itself, so that can't be it. Something symbolic that I'm missing? Am I killing something in myself? Letting something in me die??? grumble, grumble.... I just can't seem to see through the sleep deprivation and the haze. You know, if someone out there is trying to get me a message, just write it down in plain simple language, cause the other methods just aren't getting through.....
The intent of my blog post today is to hopefully just put it down in black and white and maybe somehow something will come to me. Having the thoughts and emotions tumbling around inside me today wasn't going to do me a bit of good so at least now I can focus on other things. However.... every time I sit down to the computer today, I think I'll still check the darkness under my desk..... just to be sure....
I do hope you had a better night's sleep...
Cheers! ~MacKenzie
Because breakfast is actually best eaten around... brunch time....
