When I was younger, my girl friends and I talked about EVERYTHING. Only those deepest and darkest secrets that we even tried to hide from ourselves were off limits. We probably would have tried to hash through them, too, if only we had had the guts to bring it up.... So when one of them made references to a monthly visitor, or a red tide, having a dose of red rum, or if we were going through a moment of wishing ourselves more grown up like, we might actually announce the feelings of going through PMS or the arrival of our menses or monthly cycle. Of course, once you were familiar with your friends' moods, you could generally tell where they were in their cycle, anyway.
Did you know that in many cases when women are around each other for a long time such as a work place or roommates, they may often develop synchronous menstruation? So often, once the subject was brought up by one friend, we all knew what she was going through because we were, too! (wistful sigh...) I admit, I really miss the camaraderie of a small group of women sitting down and chatting away about ANYTHING, ANYTHING!!!! One of those nothing held back conversations of life.
Oh my goodness, but I just can't help laughing at myself.
I am hoping that I am on the downswing of a REALLY BAD cycle. Ladies, I didn't just eat, I swear, I ate so much I would have made a team of Clydesdales proud. This past week, I have REALLY had to keep myself in check. Any random thought was negative. In case you hadn't noticed, I haven't even been able to blog much this week because of all the ...anger and frustration directed solely towards myself. "...I can't do ANYTHING right, I'm the worst mom ever, I can't get anything under control, I'm such a fuck-up all the way around...." And I'll stop there because why taunt the monster, right???? I'm lucky because this time I was able to pick up right away this is PMS talking....
Unfortunately, I've found that a really good coping skill to the PMS monster is to hide from myself. I say unfortunately because for me, it's an easy pattern to get into and suddenly I'm hiding thoughts and feelings that I really need to get out into the open and if I'm not careful, "normal" life begins to get complicated once again. Hiding doesn't just stop when PMS is over.... When I first started blogging, I had just come off medication for anxiety and depression. Actually, I took myself off of them because they made me feel so numb. I despised it. I knew HOW I should be feeling in a situation, but I couldn't really feel it and so I pretended, but I always felt like such a hypocrite because I wasn't REALLY FEELING it. My doctor told me that if the meds I was on didn't work, she wanted to try one of the "big guns..." That scared me. But Tuesday, I really, REALLy wanted to call her and tell her to give me anything!!!!
Breathe in, breathe out, in, out.... focus on breathing in the moment, don't give in to the insane thought of breaking every dish, every piece of glass, everything... I hate having to remind myself of that, especially when every muscle in my body is tight and my teeth hurt from clenching them so hard. I got through it, though. Another one down.... Although I don't want to think of how many to go....
I was actually quite relieved when finally my actual flow started because hopefully that would mean things would calm down. With a really bad cycle, I try to visualize all the negativity and the nastiness of PMS flowing out of my body sort of like the physical flow of matter. Hummm... sounds sort of gross, huh. But, usually for me it works anyway....
My moment of euphoria was here then gone again as suddenly the cramps started. OMGoodness! It has been a year or two that all I could do was take as much pain relief as I could, crawl into bed under a heavy blanket and just wait and pray to the Divine that the meds would kick in soon and I would be able to breathe easier. Sometimes, I can just hop in the treadmill and walk them off, but these were NOT those kind....
Thank you, Thank YOU, Divine for sending such a wonderful Honey my way. Thank you, thank you that Honey is able to take my good, and my bad. Because my bad can be really, reallllllyyyyy bad. I know that I can lash out, I know that I can be really hurtful, I know I can give a fuller definition to the term bitch, with a Capital B. I heard the words leaving my mouth, and I couldn't bite my tongue in time to stop them. Where the hell did THAT come from? It was like I was standing beside myself staring at me as a stranger. I feel so guilty the way I end up treating him during a bad cycle. Why doesn't he just throw his hands up in the air and give up on me? Why doesn't he just walk though the door and keep on going??? I know sometimes he must be awfully tempted to. And I would understand.
I've felt so exhausted the past few days. Last night I was propped up in bed reading a little before dinner when he came in, perched himself on the edge of the bed, and gave me that wicked grin. Okay, not only did my insides do a little flip, but my imagination started working overtime. "What are you doing???" I asked suspiciously. "Oh, I'm just really going to get you now," he says. "Please, please... I can't..." And he kneels on the bed and it's the tickle position. Oh, Divine, please no... "Honey, I just want to snuggle. Snuggling is fantastic..." He shakes his head no, "deal with it," he says, "Get ready." There is NO WAY OUT! Pleading is not working, making promises is not working. It really drives me crazy when he does this. Maybe if I don't struggle too hard it will be over with quickly??? Maybe if I do my best not to laugh??? CRAP!!! I throw the book to the edge of the bed and curl up in a fetal position, facing him because attacks from behind just aren't cool. And he leans in, but he's not going in his usual attack form, and then suddenly he bumps my knee with his head, "Ow.. why did you do that..." and he looses his hold on the blanket and whacks his forehead against my knee again, hard. His surprised expression had me laughing so hard, tears were just coming down my face. "Why are you beating up on me??" he says, his moans of fake pain and owwww bouncing off the wall inbetween his deep chuckles of laughter. I don't deserve this. Why, why does he do it? "C'mon," he says. "It's time for dinner." And then he hauls me up off the bed with him.
Just like that, presto. Life is good again. I can't help but believe he does that on purpose. After living with me for so long, he knows how to pull the strings. He endures and waits for the right moment to remind me.
I want to show him how much he means to me, how much I appreciate his efforts. I want to try and give back to him that same wonderful feeling he gives to me. I want to rake my fingernails up his naked thighs, I want him to enjoy the sensations as I try to demonstrate on him the tune that he gave to me. And when all is said and done, I want him to relax, to let me hold him, to let him drift and hear my heart, hear the feelings that I can't seem to express adequately on just how much he means to me. And it's not just hormones talking....
Wow.... I have to admit, I didn't think it would happen. A few weeks ago, someone contacted us about purchasing our trailer. Yes, after seeing it, they still wanted it. Yes, it would be great if they could get it by Thanksgiving. So....
This weekend was a VERY busy weekend. Push came to shove and then more lifting, more groaning, some bitching and complaining, a few pinched fingers, some aching and stiff muscles!!!! But it's completely done... This weekend we moved EVERYTHING out of that place and even did an initial clean up as we went through! I would like to go back and give it a better scrubbing, though. After what? 6, maybe 7 months of it just sitting there with no one there, it really needs a better scrubbing.
Honey is going to call the woman back today and let her know that they can get in there any time and start doing what they have to, to get that place moved. They are acquaintances of ours. They currently are living with her mother in law. Unfortunately, the mom in law has some serious mental health issues and right now, her medications are not working as they should. She has become extremely aggressive with the woman and is starting to yell and mutter bad things about her 2 year old grandson. It's just not a safe environment at the moment.
It always amazes me how things work out. They are helping us because they are getting the trailer, the screen porch and 9x14 additions as well as the oil tank off the property. The stove, refrigerator, dishwasher, shelving and a few pieces of furniture, washing machine and dryer (such as it is... ) are all included in the package. I was really, really nervous that the trailer would just sit there all winter long. Originally, we were hoping to make a little extra money on selling the place, but in this situation, we are just going to sell it for what we owe on it. It's odd to think that maybe last month was the last time I had to take our paycheck money to pay for that place. We are helping them because even according to the woman's mom who works with Papa, they have nothing. They got married and moved in to their current living situation. With all the pressures, her mom is nervous for them because their marriage is shaky. Hopefully once they are on their own, they can start to work together again.
I can't wait to see it gone. I mean... Our land!!! ...just sitting there, waiting for us . Honey and I have been doing some talking of our own. Originally, we really were hoping to build our own home. We started getting those estimates for a basement that we would live in while we built the main part of the house. The land is somewhat uncooperative for a basement. We were told that a frost wall was do-able, but we would have to sink in a lot of money for a full honest basement, or we could go up above ground level with it... Of course, that would make the final product look as if we were trying to build a tree house minus the tree.... But as Honey pointed out, time is a factor here. Basically, he has very little to spend towards building our house. I have some, but no skills whatsoever in the building area so I can only do so much. Unfortunately, time lines are being set up here and we're only going to be comfortable here for the next 2 years or so. Mom and Papa already have come up with some ideas as to what they want to do with this place once we are gone. No pressure or anything!!!! Here's your hat, what's your hurry???
I hate the thought of a mortgage, especially one for $120,000. gulp... Think 3 bedroom, 2 baths, eat in country kitchen, and living room modular house. That was the best one that we saw so far. However, around here if you found that house on 5 acres of land for less, it would need work. We were looking at a 3 bedroom farmhouse on less than an acre and that was $124,000. A 1785 farmhouse with huge barn on 3 1/2 acres was $299,000. That, however needed NO Work. There was a really pretty 3 bedroom Victorian on 2 acres that had great potential for only $89,000 and if it was just Honey and I starting out I would have been SUPER tempted, even though it wasn't in the best of neighborhoods. A 4 bedroom, 2 bath well maintained Colonial on 2+ acres is $179,000. But we have the land, now, we just need the house. Actually, first we need the money to get the house.
The official word has gone out that a new residential home for people with disabilities under my parents agency is in the works. So far, there is one possible placement. We need at least three people to make it work and really need 4 to have a financial comfort zone. However, we did find a house suitable for what we need. Again, it's always so strange how things work out.
Our neighbor just put his house up for sale. He stopped by and told Honey right out that if we were interested, he would give us a really good deal on the place. Part of his 15 acres butts up against our 5. The house itself isn't too big or too small. It's... just right. The scary part is that everything has to happen at once. You have to confirm the people coming into your residential home and purchase, license, get furniture, buy a vehicle, start looking for staff and figure out all the nitty gritty details in just a span of 90 days. You have to go through 90 days of absolute hell, and then probably another 90 days of basically living there getting an idea of the residents' preferences, needs, personality and desires, but within a year's time, as long as you stay on top of things, it begins to run more smoothly. Right now we are going on the gut feeling that if this is the way things are supposed to turn out, things will fall into place to make it happen. If not, we will adjust our plans accordingly.
Unfortunately, right now I just can't think much about it. I'm tired and my right shoulder and knee are aching a bit today. I also have to work on Honey's birthday present because it seems to be taking FOREVER!!!!! And, I have to work tonight... So, no more time for blogging today!!! I've got to get my bee-hind up and moving!!!
I don't know....
Maybe with the girls not feeling well we have been watching too much Disney
Or maybe too much anime....
Or maybe too much day dreaming
Maybe it's just the thought of being on one's Loves arms, and swirling around a crowded room, in time, in synch with everything. In the midst of a crowd there's only the two of you, the feeling, the touch, the electricity that bounces around the circle you find yourselves in. Perfection.
Damn. I wish I knew how to waltz better.
..... yeah... probably need to cut down on the Disney.....
HOMOPHONE: a word that sounds the same as another word but has a different spelling and meaning
Pumpkin has been learning about homophones in school. For the past few nights at dinner we have been trying to think of at least 4 that we hadn't thought of before.
Please Help! Make me sound smart by rattling off a bunch of new ones! Okay, okay... I'll even give you credit for them!!!
Some that we have learned so far:
Would / wood
Road / rode
I / eye
Clothes / close
Sun / son
Bare / bear
Now, no cheating either, everyone! No searching the internet for homophones. I know you are smarty pants and can think of some (<-- homophone alert right there!!! ) all on your own!
The English language is so weird, isn't it! Who decided it would be okay for clothes to mean the fabric you wear and close to mean shut. Why not just say shut and have no close? Why make it so confusing??? Ah well...
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) are all included in the package. I was really, really nervous that the trailer would just sit there all winter long. Originally, we were hoping to make a little extra money on selling the place, but in this situation, we are just going to sell it for what we owe on it. It's odd to think that maybe last month was the last time I had to take our paycheck money to pay for that place. We are helping them because even according to the woman's mom who works with Papa, they have nothing. They got married and moved in to their current living situation. With all the pressures, her mom is nervous for them because their marriage is shaky. Hopefully once they are on their own, they can start to work together again. 
. Honey and I have been doing some talking of our own. Originally, we really were hoping to build our own home. We started getting those estimates for a basement that we would live in while we built the main part of the house. The land is somewhat uncooperative for a basement. We were told that a frost wall was do-able, but we would have to sink in a lot of money for a full honest basement, or we could go up above ground level with it... Of course, that would make the final product look as if we were trying to build a tree house minus the tree.... But as Honey pointed out, time is a factor here. Basically, he has very little to spend towards building our house. I have some, but no skills whatsoever in the building area so I can only do so much. Unfortunately, time lines are being set up here and we're only going to be comfortable here for the next 2 years or so. Mom and Papa already have come up with some ideas as to what they want to do with this place once we are gone. No pressure or anything!!!! Here's your hat, what's your hurry???
gulp... Think 3 bedroom, 2 baths, eat in country kitchen, and living room modular house. That was the best one that we saw so far. However, around here if you found that house on 5 acres of land for less, it would need work. We were looking at a 3 bedroom farmhouse on less than an acre and that was $124,000. A 1785 farmhouse with huge barn on 3 1/2 acres was $299,000. That, however needed NO Work. There was a really pretty 3 bedroom Victorian on 2 acres that had great potential for only $89,000 and if it was just Honey and I starting out I would have been SUPER tempted, even though it wasn't in the best of neighborhoods. A 4 bedroom, 2 bath well maintained Colonial on 2+ acres is $179,000. But we have the land, now, we just need the house. Actually, first we need the money to get the house. 
So, no more time for blogging today!!! I've got to get my bee-hind up and moving!!!
