Well, I think today I just have to dump a whole bunch of things out of my head and onto my blog and then walk away for a few hours. It's been a weird week. Lots of things happening behind the scenes so to speak. Wheels spinning, no movement. Hopefully I can come back in a few hours or even tomorrow and look more objectively not only about what I write here, but some of these other things as well.
First of all, I saw a really sad scene today. You know how you can see something real quick and your mind interprets in an instant what has happened??? After taking Pumpkin to school today, I was going to the store when I passed by a house. There, leaning against the door frame was a woman, much older than I, still in her bathrobe, a deep, sorrowful expression on her face. At the end of the driveway with a shovel was, who I am assuming, her significant other. And there in the middle of the road in perfect alignment with their driveway was the really messy remains of a cat. The mind interprets what it wants to see and if the interpretation is true, I feel so very sad for the woman.
So I'm sitting here this morning and today there's a strong smell of eucalyptus and ginger that fills the air followed by the every so slight base of frankincense. I have a warm cup of water filled with lemon and honey in front of me and all the girls and I want for lunch today is soup. Yes, the first cold of the season has hit us. I tried so hard to avoid it, but Tuesday when I woke up with a sore throat, I knew I wasn't going to get away. It's hit Parrot the hardest and we've had to keep giving her cough syrup as well as making sure there's plenty of tissues around. I don't know why, but the twinadoes have decided that what comes out of the nose is called butter...
I can only hope that they don't attempt to serve anyone butter on bread....
While at the store today, I saw a woman, a distant acquaintance of Honey's and my first thought was "Please, don't let her see me..." But of course, the girls attract attention wherever they go. This woman looked so put together and on top of the world. Hair and make up, to perfection. Even the heels of her black boots made a pleasant sound as she walked. Hips swaying, aura whacking you in the face.... If I wasn't under the weather, I STILL wouldn't have looked that good. I've got to tell ya that I felt that little stab of envy shoot through me. She's only a few years older than I and she just seems to have... "IT". Where did she get IT and WHY oh why can't I seem to find IT??? Damn. I thought, I HOPED I had grown more than that....
Speaking of Honey, he's away for the next two days for a training.
I just hate it when he's away, even if it's only for a day or so...
written yesterday when the need hit, typed today:
At the point of writing this, I am outside in the late afternoon sunshine. The gentle rock of the glider swing would put me to sleep if it wasn't for the fact that my mind is twisting out of control. It's shooting off in all different directions and I am just letting it go where it will. From this vantage point, I can see the water. It's nearly high tide and the water is a sparkling and brilliant sapphire blue. You don't actually hear the waves here, but they echo through my head as if they were real.
I remember the joy I felt at leaving my 20's behind. My 20's didn't exactly turn out like I expected them to. I hopped into a marriage I thought I was ready for, but discovered it was actually a really rough and rocky adjustment. Damn... and they make it look so easy at the movies, too... The start of my fairy tale/ fantasy life slowly winds down to find myself standing in the "real world" and holy crap.. it's scary!!! And just when I need him most, there goes my biggest support net. Dad decides to up and die from a heart attack that chances are he could have prevented if only he hadn't acted like such an idiot. It's okay now because I've made peace with it. Back then though....
When things were getting a little better, a little more stable, BOOM!!! 9 months of bliss wiped out in a single life changing moment... literally for three of us. Even now my mind still struggles to find some peaceful resolution in regards to Zach. I can say the words I need to in my mind, but I just can't get them through to my heart and soul. I think sometimes I am as afraid to hang on to these feelings as I am to let go of them. So I do nothing.
The BEST thing about my 20's is that I (WE) did manage to hang on to a marriage that now continues to bloom. Plus, the birth of our daughters obviously are some of the greatest moments of our lives. That's about it though. Maybe some day I'll look back and think of something more, but just not today.
No, the 30's were going to be wonderful! I was going to leave all this crap behind and I was going to "figure it all out." I believed I saw signs all around me that agreed with my 29 nearly 30 new found assessment from a shooting star witnessed at midnight on my 30th birthday to a pair of mating moose that arrived in my back yard in the morning and stayed there for most of the day. The creation of something new and wonderful.... I saw the moose as a sign of growth, accomplishment and they brought a sense of self esteem. That's part of what I wanted for my 30's. A moose appears fearless (although given their size, I suppose they have a right to be). They are very proud and actually are very awesome to watch.
And I'm going off track.
Well, it hit me today that 35 is sneaking up on me and I, if I were honest with myself, I'm still as lost as ever!!!
My compass is gone and I feel as if I have no sense of direction.
The only thing I really know is that the past couple of years, I've really gone inside of myself. I'm searching for some critical piece of information that I've lost somehow along the way. And I'm starting to get pretty darn ticked off with myself because I know there is something more to me than this.
I can see her though the mists. I can see the person that I want to be, that I know technically I am. But she's still mist. So what, exactly am I? She's confident, strong, sexy as hell, bold and daring. She finds the love she deserves, the security and support she craves, and the joy from mere being.... She's living her fantasy in the real world. How have I gone so off track that we are living parallel to each other? I start to reach out for her hand but there's nothing there to hold on to.
I've read the theory that to be who you want to be, you have to start acting it. If you are depressed and you want to be happy, you have to start smiling. EVEN if you don't feel like it, you have to do it. I thought I was. I don't know why but today, even though I'm smiling, she seems so far away. Crap, I fear that somewhere along the way I got turned around and I didn't even realize it....
I have so much to be thankful for and then I go start pulling this stunt on myself. One side of me says to be content. The other says there's so very much more to life. It just wants to push me past my comfort level on to ...something new... Part of me says that it's so worth the risk, the other says I'm gonna fall flat on my big ole' behind....
Dear Divine, ....... it's me, MacKenzie. If you're trying to tell me something, it's getting messed up somewhere along the way. Please send back up. Yours~ MacKenzie
) Curling up under a blanket, having a warm cup of tea nearby, delving into a good book that takes me to a whole new adventure, ahhhh... the pleasures life can bring. 
