Right now as I glimpse out the window, I am watching the rain dripping off the roof of our new front covered porch. At first, I didn't see the sense of Mom C and Papa spending all that money to strip away siding that is only 6 years old and put up new, nor add a front covered porch. I mean, sure, it is great, but why spend that money? I have to admit, that now that it is done (plans were in the works for this last fall), it's really, really nice. I can see what they envisioned. Not only does it really unify the two homes, but it also gives the girls a much larger space to ride their bikes!!!
The rain is actually slowing after a real intense downpour and it is brightening up outside. The fog remains, but that's okay today. Today I do just want to focus what's going on inside and explore. Yup, the Inner Fire is doing its thing again, popping, crackling and reaching through my insides with questions, thoughts and ramblings. "It" wants clarity. It wants a place to put all this focus and energy and it wants to run with it.
The words of Thursday's post just keep getting stuck in my mind. My thoughts are again jumbled, stepping from one stone to the other and then jumping back again. Is it scary that I am used to this strange dance of my soul, or is it just bad that I can still get overwhelmed by it????
Choices we make. Choices we let slip by. How what we do affects our life, as well as what we don't do. How, even, our own self holds us back from opportunity, possibilities, what is possibly the best decision in our life we can make, but our own fear of ... inadequacy? being hurt? being rejected or ridiculed? maybe just being fearful of the fear? can stop us dead in our tracks. I know that I, for one, have often fallen back on the method of by technically not making a choice, I am actually .. making a choice.
When I first thought of life masterpieces, I immediately thought of three miraculous masterpieces right off the top of my head: Pumpkin, Monkey and my Parrot. A lot of what I have done over the past 8 years has been focused on them. I have poured a lot of time and effort into them, as I feel as a mother should I do. I regret none if it, imperfect and flawed as I am. And yet, I know that although they are my creation, they are not mine to finish. Eventually, I will have to hand over the paint brush to each of them and stand back and watch. Even now, I see that Pumpkin has somehow moved her hands up underneath mine, and the paint brush moves hand over hand. Already, she is moving the brush to the colors that she likes and the intensity of her strokes that begin to fill the canvas. I have only to hope that the foundations, that which I took most part of, are good ones. Someday, I will have to let go.
My very next thought when it comes to masterpieces is my marriage, and that, too, still is a work in progress, will always be a work in progress, I hope.... Again, it takes the two of us, this time side by side, working on the canvas together. There's always the risk involved with two differernt artists with two different view points working on the same piece, but it's a risk I committed to all those years ago.
As wonderful and amazing as those masterpieces are, there is still more to life. Eventually, I am going to have to find out what that more is. Eventually, I am going to have to choose what I want to add to my path in life, or not as the case may be. Eventually, I am going to have to start finishing my own masterpiece. I think I have sort of held it on hold for awhile. Sooner than I realize, though, it will be time to add more colors to the design. In many ways, that is very exciting! And at the same time, it's scary. Because the colors I want are bright and intense and beautiful. And the tones that I end up with are going to be partially due to the choices I make. How will I let my fear affect my choice? How will I look beyond the fear to the path where what I truly want is?
And, the astonishing realization is that it has already started. It's how I view my situations and outcomes now that effects what happens 3, 4 days from now, a year from now, whatever. I could choose to me morose and horrible. I could take the easy way out. I could take up the challenge and fight. If I don't see the path to what I want, I can create it.
The end result is full of amazing possibilities, only... it's all up to me!
Masterpiece, indeed!
but he finished it last night so now it's my turn. I have to give it up to J.K. Rowling. She knows how to tell a really, really awesome tale. 
~MacKenzie 
~MacKenzie
Actually, I get to go visit my niece with the girls and Mom C and Papa. Honey can't come.... 
Things since he quit his old job with massive amounts of stress, but better pay has caught up to us now. Now, less stress but, less pay in the job, and finances are extremely tight and so he's repairing a deck today to add to our income. I am so sad that he can't come with us today. And he was such a bear last night because now he doesn't want to fix the deck. And I understand. After he gets home from work, he won't even have his family here to greet him. (And at the same time I am very excited because we get to see the baby again!!!) 
