I have two things just racing through my mind today. It’s another weird day; I blame it on the passing full moon…
The two thoughts will probably end up jumbled on this post, too, so if you do really want to read it… you have been fairly warned….
When I was younger, I wrote all the time. I LOVED the creative writing process. When trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, it was either nursing or writing. In my 8th grade we had class night and beforehand everyone in my class broke up into groups of 5 and had a list of 5 other classmates names. We had to describe this person and answer a list of questions. One of them was describing what we thought their future might hold. It was told of me that I would marry, have a wonderful family, and I would be a writer.
I didn’t really doodle much as a kid. I was either lost in daydreams or I would piece words together like a jig-saw puzzle. Over time, they became sentences. One sentence might not make sense following another, but if you looked four sentences down, you could probably link the first and fourth together.
I don’t know why, but everything pours out of me broken and jagged, unless…. Unless I am so inspired and have the ability to stop everything, focus and write the thought out from beginning to end. Otherwise, it gets lost in the catacombs of the inner fire and only finds its way out in bits and pieces as before.
In regards to time: TIME. I feel so lost in time right now. No, not right now; it’s been a long time that I have been floating around in time. I want my world to work in my time. But my time is a bit like faerie time. My time and real world time definitely do not sync up. When in real time I always feel as if I have to run and catch up. Everything is rush, rush rush. There is no “time” to breathe, to relax and feel the world around you. No time to appreciate the shape of the clouds or the uniqueness of a flower. Not enough time to fully, deeply comprehend the meaning of a gentle caress in passing, or a hug from behind, the tingle left on lips. Not enough time to complete a single act of giving love (whatever that act might be)…just because you or they wanted to give it without selfishness, without wanting something in return.
“We have to be there in half an hour.” “Okay we have 20 minutes to go here, here, here.” “The program is a half hour long and it starts… in less than 5 minutes!” Hurry, Hurry, Hurry!!!!
No, my time definitely does not really work in this world. I sometimes wonder if that is why my writing is as messed up as it is. My ideas folder is full of bits of paper and index cards, newspaper and the such where I’ve had enough time to jot down the outline of a though before it gets away. Sometimes I don’t even finish that.
I keep telling myself that my time line will sync up. Soon, the girls will have lesser demands on me. Even now I have taken steps to “free” up my time with the closure of one job. True, I am starting another, but hopefully as Papa said, even if I devote just one hour a day, there’s no hard date as to when this project has to be completed. Bringing even a little income into the household budget makes me feel not guilty for buying flowers every once in awhile or picking up a book or treating the girls to something fun.
See… time has found me again and as I come out of my sort of daze from just writing this, I see that kitchen dishes have to be washed up and laundry has to be folded. The girls want drinks and this and that. I don’t know… maybe I’m just doing something wrong. Maybe I have no time management skills. Often I just go where the heart takes me. Maybe it’s a head/heart battle??? Logic over feeling??? I don’t know. I have no conclusions. However, right now I am going to HURRY and get these first things done so that I can go sit in the sun and see where my idea folder takes me this.... TIME.
Cheers! ~MacKenzie
