It was such a fun weekend away! It's just awesome to have 4 adults watch three kids than 1 or 2 watch three kids.... It was really hard not to have my Brother in law, SIL and niece there, though. I don't actually remember the last time I saw my niece and am so afraid that at this point, she isn't even going to remember me!!! boo hoo!
It was great being able to find a few moments with each of the girls alone. Monkey was sort of the hardest to connect to as when her grandmother is around, that is all who exists. Fairly tough from a mom's point of view to be displaced so easily, but it is what it is. I make sure that I'm there when she needs me. Besides the main cottage, Mom C and Papa also built a small guest cottage (big enough only for sleeping space and bathroom) which is where we drop our things for the weekend. And at least one morning when Monkey had spent the night over with them, she needed to come back and have a few snuggles from dear Mom and Dad the first thing when she woke up. Parrot didn't even want to spend the night there. I wonder if her time spent in the hospital somehow has anything to do with it?
And Pumpkin and I probably spent the most time together. While walking with her grandparents, she happened to find a rock in the shape of a penis. So all of us were called over to look at the phallic shaped rock. What does that mean, she asks. And no one answered. So the next morning on our walk, I got to tell her what a phallic symbol/penis is. Lucky me!
It was sort of odd though that she also asked a lot of questions about marriage, mine and Honey's especially. Weird questions like if I really trusted her Dad and did I really love him. If I did love him, why didn't I do so and so and if he loved me, why didn't he.... Wow. Okay... well. My best explanation at the moment is that it's just the way Honey and I are. No, we don't tell each other every little tiny detail of our lives. Yes, there are times where we drive each other absolutely crazy. YEs, there are times when we get upset with each other and yell. Yes, we hug and kiss, even with the girls around. No we have no plans of ever living apart unless it's for a short time (he goes to a two week training somewhere or something....) Maybe we do things differently than others but we still love each other very much and are committed to the vows that we made to each other. It felt as if she wasn't completely satisfied with the talk, but she said no more.
Later on, I asked Honey if he'd like to take a walk on the beach with me and he said yes. Yay! I will admit that often he passes it up much to my sadness. So, I really appreciate his effort here! And I did happen to mention the interesting conversation between Pumpkin and I which led to him: Well, do you trust me? Me: of course I do... why??? is there some reason I shouldn't? Him: God no. Why would you say that? Me: I don't know, but this conversation is becoming really weird.
Geesh. I hope that our marriage is what it should be. It is true that lately he does his "thing" and I do mine. Sometimes I do feel more like his best friend than his wife. (friends with benefits??? ) Sometimes it feels like it's all about sex and attraction. Sometimes it seems like we are on parallel paths rather than walking together on one. There are times when it feels like we are only roommates and then there are times when he is the most fabulous husband and companion and lover and better half of me. He's the cheese to my macaroni. (movie reference to those who have seen Juno. Awesome movie!!!! Kind of nerve wracking for parents whose children are just getting ready to grow up, however.) Can macaroni live alone? Sure and it can live quite well alone, but doesn't cheese just MAKE the meal??? And I'm sorry, but the couple who claim to have the perfect marriage are LYING! We are who we are and I, at this point, assume that Pumpkin is hearing things from her school mates and fitting that information in her head where she needs to.
On a side note, one thing we also talked about is the possibility of getting a horse for all three girls and keeping it in Mom C and Papa's barn for awhile, keeping in mind that Chances ARE: we'll end up doing most of the care for this horse. Essentially, the horse becomes ours, not theirs. However, it would be interesting to see who, if any, of the girls steps up and shows the most interest in the care and companionship of a horse. We're still thinking, okay, I'M still thinking. Honey is searching......
So, all in all we enjoyed the weekend. Coming back over the Canadian border and passing cemetaries on the way home, it was nice to see all the flowers and flags in decoration for the holiday, in that sober sort of way. Because I admit, when we first started celebrating "Oreo" day, it didn't quite feel right. In some aspects, Memorial Day should be more of a solemn day. And yet, I can't forget my dad, some of whose brothers were lost in wartime, and how he would rather celebrate their lives with happiness and laughter as they died doing just what they wanted to do. They found cause and purpose for their life and they fought for their truths as well as insuring that we, too, would have the opportunity to seek ours in our own way as well. I sort of think that everyone just has their own ways of remembrance. For some it is with tears and sorrow and others laughter and celebration. For me, anyway, the most important thing is that you REMEMBER.
When our oldest daughter was less than a year old, we began the tradition of going to my parents in law's summer cottage in Canada for Memorial Day. When Pumpkin was just learning to talk, she was so excited because a) she was going to the beach and b) instead of Memorial Day, she heard Oreo cookie day!!!! So now every year we celebrate Memorial Day at the cottage eating as many varieties of Oreo cookies that we can find.
But I can't leave without a quiz!!!!! (I suppose there are many worse things to be addicted to... plus, I admit, I love the interaction with you that I receive... okay, so there...)
Anyway... I was thinking about my blog in relation to all the other blogs out there last night before I went to sleep. When I started blogging, I didn't really know what to expect. My blog is just my online journal of my life.... a place to put thoughts and musings and whatever else touches my fancy. There's no theme per se, it's just stuff from me. I relate to others blogs by relating their words (your words) to my life and seeing if it fits or if it doesn't. If it does, Great! and if not, I accept it as one of those things where perhaps we can agree to disagree, no harm done.
And suddenly the thought occurred (as random sleepy time thoughts sometime do) what would happen if the Inner Fire winked out of existence!!!! The past few years of slow awakening, pure moments between me, myself and I and others who have dared to put their hands and hearts up against mine and give them a little tug, the work that I've not just wanted but NEEDED to put into my blog for my own understanding... what if suddenly that were gone. The Inner Fire just floating out unconnected through the cyberwaves... gone. We joke and laugh about missing posts, but for me, to take that feeling and put it towards my blog... sends shivers through me. Loosing my blog, I think would make me curl up into a ball and cry.....
Appointments:
Yesterday a doctor from the clinic we go to was able to squeeze Parrot in for a follow up from her hospital visit. Things are good on that end!!!! Yay! I knew that they were, but to hear someone who is supposed to know what they are doing confirm your feelings, that's just a good thing.
This morning, I had an appointment at 8am. People who know that there are families with young children just should not schedule appointments for 8 in the morning. Not being able to have even my morning coffee or tea has just jumbled the mind into one yucky mess of funky colored jello, I fear.
Mother/Daughter:
It is just WAY too soon for my daughters to be getting older. I can't believe it. This is one of those things that from Pumpkin's stand point I shouldn't share, but as a mom in a new stage of learning, I look ahead with mixed emotions. How do I figure it out and be the best mom I can be if I don't talk about it and figure my own feelings out?
The other night right before bed, my beautiful 8 year old Pumpkin came to me rather teary and needed to talk. You know those split seconds where you what's going to happen, but you scream to yourself, no, no, no, but outwardly you just put on a good front, remaining calm but still, not quite attached to the situation??? please, just say yes.... "Mom," she says, "I just don't feel right. I don't feel like myself anymore and I don't understand. I feel as if my body is trying to tell me something, but I'm scared and I don't get it. Why is it that the things I used to do I just don't enjoy anymore? Dolls don't interest me, coloring is boring and I don't even know why I enjoyed some of the stories that I used to. What's wrong with me?" My heart screams, NO; my mind takes control of my mouth (thank you Divine) and calmly says that every person goes through not feeling like a kid, but isn't ready for the teenager stage yet, either. It's okay to feel that way and perfectly normal. If she could please just give me a few days to really think about what she told me, I really wanted to get back to her concerns.
Pumpkin is the type of kid who appreciates knowing what's going on before hand. Surprises really aren't her thing. We've been having "THE TALK" regarding body changes and babies and such for over a year, however, I've been taking it in small slow steps. The conclusion of the talk will be putting all of the little pieces together.
Ladies, you know the signs of changing into womanhood. Suddenly your chest just doesn't feel like it used to and maybe your jeans just feel differently around your hips. Have those hairs always been there? Why are my emotions riding the rollercoaster? Damn it! It is just too soon for our 8 year old baby girls to have to start worrying about this. Girls are starting to have their menstrual cycles, periods, whatever nickname you wish to call it at such early ages now!!! I was a month shy of age 10 and was told that I was starting early. I fear she may begin the process at a solid 9, although only time will tell. (okay... no more ranting even though I want to....)
Monday she was sitting out on the porch when I went out and sat beside her and we talked some more about how everybody changes and more about how all of these changes effect oneself. It seemed like she began to feel better. I sure hope and pray that she understood what I was trying to tell her. For me, it really felt like one of those "Moments" of bonding and I really needed that with her. Sometimes as a mom, I feel as if I have NO idea of what I'm doing.
Horses:
Speaking of motherhood, that's another thing. I learned yesterday that Rita is taking on an apprentice. Damn, but I am jealous (okay, happy for the person, but jealous of the situation). I was trying to figure out how I could work our schedule so that maybe I could do that. I really want to become more familiar with her horses, especially if I am going to be working with her in her therapeutic riding program. I have to be able to project my confidence around the horses outward so that any child we work with can feel that confidence and have some comfort in that. Unfortunately, we just don't have the money so I can take lessons from her. The last thing I would want to do is to accidentally take advantage of our relationship for my own needs and goals. So with not having money for lessons, I was considering asking her if I could somehow work for her in exchange for her knowledge and horse expertise. Mine and Honey's schedules are just chaos lately that I just couldn't seem to find set times during the week where I could go over there alone to do that. Every single time we are there, it's with the girls and I have to focus on where the girls are in regards to the horses rather than being able to focus on the horses themselves. (okay, so of course I sneak in a little pat here and there, but only when its safe to do so)
There are times when it feels like motherhood holds me back from the goals that I am trying to accomplish. I really think that there should be some sort of class that before you become a parent, you must take so you have a fuller understanding of parenthood and all it entails. It is such a hard balance to find that line of what your family needs and what you need because most often, what you need isn't even pushed into the back seat, it ends up on a thread attached to the bumper. You all know I love my girls and I love and embrace probably 90% of motherhood wholeheartedly. This sort of falls into the other 10% grey area. And see, I've thought about it, gotten it out of my head, onto my blog and I feel if not better, at least calmer and more accepting of the fact that eventually my time will come, just not as quick as I would like.
In other news:
The sun is shining, the birds are abundant and I can hear their singing. Goldfinches, purple finches, rose breasted grosbeaks, a sparrow variety, chickadees, phoebes, catbirds, hawks, hummingbirds, Canadian geese, blackbirds, robins, and many more join in the occassional chorus.
Also, significant progress is being made with the Mom C and Papa's barn. The groundwork is done, the foundation is poured and set, and now the actual construction is beginning. The girls love to sit out on the front deck and watch everything that is going on.
There's less than a month of school left!!! How exciting! I've told Pumpkin that I do hope we will be able to have her best friend here a lot and I really hope that we will be able to go down to the beach and have tons of cook outs and if her parents say it's okay, have Brit over for a few sleep overs. I told Pumpkin that if she and Brit (with her parent's permission of course) were daring enough, perhaps the could sleep out in the tent on one of the warmer nights!!! She can't wait. Now, as long as I can keep Honey from playing a few pranks on them.....
...but in a good way, please!
Cheers! ~MacKenzie
*All graphics courtesy of ..you know my favorite place... Photobucket!
Well, I certainly don't know how it happened, but over the past few months I keep getting emails from lawyers, judges, barristers (okay, more lawyers), and diplomats trying to insure that I get my inheritance from my long lost uncle, and then great grandparent, and I'm not sure who my latest deceased relative is.
So dear long lost Uncle Ian MacKenzie has left me 2.1 million dollars. I just need to confirm my bank account and they will do the rest.
Now, I know who all my great grandparents are (even if I didn't get to meet them) and I've known how long they have been deceased so to hear that I've missed the opportunity to know some long lost great grandparent, as you can believe is quite distressing. (What, one of my great grandparents was a polygamist and it hadn't come out until now? Way to keep a secret, Great Grandparent!!!!) Apparently that's all right though because I've been remembered fondly in their will and again... just need a bank account number for them to give me my million.
Apparently, my family are dropping like flies......
My latest deceased relative apparently resided somewhere in the Caribbean. Dear Diplomat Mr. Frank Chambers has been MANDATED to deliver my inheritance of 7.5 million dollars in my country of residence. This is so top secret that he won't even reveal who my benefactor is until the deal is done. Yeah.... I'll let you guys know when he comes knocking on my door. And maybe with my 7.5 million I'll just buy an island somewhere and have you all come and visit. How does that sound???
Thanks to whomever thought it was funny to put my email on some list. Thanks a whole lot.
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If you have not joined in, you are really missing out!
It was really hard not to have my Brother in law, SIL and niece there, though. I don't actually remember the last time I saw my niece and am so afraid that at this point, she isn't even going to remember me!!! boo hoo! 
So all of us were called over to look at the phallic shaped rock. What does that mean, she asks. And no one answered. So the next morning on our walk, I got to tell her what a phallic symbol/penis is. Lucky me! 
My best explanation at the moment is that it's just the way Honey and I are. No, we don't tell each other every little tiny detail of our lives. Yes, there are times where we drive each other absolutely crazy. YEs, there are times when we get upset with each other and yell. Yes, we hug and kiss, even with the girls around. No we have no plans of ever living apart unless it's for a short time (he goes to a two week training somewhere or something....) Maybe we do things differently than others but we still love each other very much and are committed to the vows that we made to each other. It felt as if she wasn't completely satisfied with the talk, but she said no more. 
And I did happen to mention the interesting conversation between Pumpkin and I which led to him: Well, do you trust me? Me: of course I do... why??? is there some reason I shouldn't? Him: God no. Why would you say that? Me: I don't know, but this conversation is becoming really weird. 
) Sometimes it feels like it's all about sex and attraction. Sometimes it seems like we are on parallel paths rather than walking together on one. There are times when it feels like we are only roommates and then there are times when he is the most fabulous husband and companion and lover and better half of me. He's the cheese to my macaroni. (movie reference to those who have seen Juno. Awesome movie!!!! Kind of nerve wracking for parents whose children are just getting ready to grow up, however.) Can macaroni live alone? Sure and it can live quite well alone, but doesn't cheese just MAKE the meal??? And I'm sorry, but the couple who claim to have the perfect marriage are LYING! We are who we are and I, at this point, assume that Pumpkin is hearing things from her school mates and fitting that information in her head where she needs to. 
