How can it be Tuesday? Wasn't yesterday.... ???? Yikes!!!



This week is April vacation for Pumpkin. From now until next Monday we have something to do EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!!!! So much for vacation!!! Tomorrow we are going to Bangor for Pumpkin's next allergist appointment. Thursday we are going to Ellsworth for Pumpkin's dentist appointment. Thursday Honey also leaves for a weekend conference. Friday, God-daughter will be here, but I am going over to help with some of the packing next door. Saturday is back to Bangor to visit with Honey for a bit (as that's where the conference is). Sunday we are going to my Mom's for lunch and Monday, back to school!!!!!


Yesterday, Mema moved into her new place. So far there are three other people who have moved in and two more will be arriving today. It is reported that she is doing well and is enjoying herself. No questions, no problems and hopefully that is the way it is going to stay.

Tonight we are going over to Mom C and Papa's for dinner. Mom wants to see the girls reaction when they find out we are moving in over there. I also want to take a few measurements of the rooms and see what of our furniture will fit. That will help me figure out what to start packing for storage.

This Saturday the siblings are going through the house and cleaning it out. I don't envy them. I can't believe how difficult that's going to be. Unfortunately one of them is already laying claims to A LOT of stuff. We'll have to wait and see what becomes of that.

Monday I start painting in there. It's going to be a LONG month!!!!



Although the storm we had last night was pretty bad, we only lost our electricity for 6 or so hours, mostly during the night time while the girls were in bed asleep. We lost it around 8pm or so. By 9:30 there was nothing left to do but go to bed. I have a habit of reading before I fall asleep so without that, I found myself twiddling my thumbs for awhile. Honey wanted to stay out here in case the girls got up and got hurt on something.

The storm did quite a number on this place, though. Mid-afternoon we lost a long piece of flashing along the back side of the house. I thought of pulling the remaining of it off because it was making such a horrible racket, but then was afraid that by pulling it off, it may cause more damage. Of course when Honey got home, he went around to look at it and then grabbed ahold of it and pulled it off.... On the other side of this place, in the addition, we had to move Monkey's bed away from the wall as another leak started in their room. She wasn't very impressed. The wind and rain is still a little too strong to go into the woods and find our missing trash can. The metal hood cover for our old lawn tractor is also amongst the missing. Honey said that it wasn't attached to the mower anymore. Well, he's certainly correct now!!!!!!

When the wind blows, it just goes straight through this place. I am looking forward tonight to being next door so the radiant floor heating in the sun room can hopefully warm up my toes.



I did have a really funny dream last night. I'm sure in was inspired by one of my last thoughts before I fell to sleep. I realized that in moving over there, I definitely was not going to get any chickens this year, like I was thinking about doing. Our chicken coop has been empty for two years and I was hoping to get chicks before this all happened.

So in my dream, I had two red and two black chickens, and I was going out to check on them when I discovered the two red ones gone! Worried that they were carried off, I went in search of them and as I walked through the woods, suddenly I began to find an egg or two then more and more.

I arrived at a huge abandoned building in the middle of the woods and I could hear chickens. The building was built up on platforms and the steps had long ago rotted. The bottom of the door was so high it came up a little above my waist. As I got closer to the building I also heard the scared meowing of a cat. Seeing the door, I had to stretch way up to the homemade latch and as I slowly opened it, a beautiful black cat with gorgeous green eyes squeezed through the opening to get out. It hopped on my shoulder, down to the ground and with a small look of thanks the panicked cat ran off into the woods. I turned back to the doorway to discover that the most enormous black chicken was staring back at me. It's feathers were all ruffled and imposing and it's tail feathers, not unlike that of a peacock, actually, were standing straight on end quivering with anger. I thought to myself, "good, God, this chicken is as big as an eagle!"

Talking gently to it, it settled down and then wandered off, allowing me to get a better glimpse inside, where I saw hundreds of these enormous black chickens. My first thought was, how the heck am I going to feed all these suckers!?! I closed the door and started really looking around and discovered that the chickens kept all the perfectly oval eggs in the building with them but all the ones with imperfections and waves and such were tossed out.

Some of the eggs I found were so fresh they were still warm! I gathered them up and took them home because there was no sense of letting them all sit there and rot. I would find plenty of use for them.

For fun, I dug out my dream interpretation book and began looking up key items. Unfortunately, the book didn't give the interpretation for chicken or egg!!!! I had to go to a dream interpretation site for this:

To see chickens in your dream, symbolizes cowardliness and a lack of willpower. (OUCH!!!!) Chickens also represents excessive chatter and gossip. Listen closely to what people may be saying about you or what you are saying about others.

To see or eat eggs in your dream, symbolizes fertility, birth and your creative potential. It indicates that something new is about to happen.

To see a black cat in your dream, indicates that you are experiencing some fear in using your psychic abilities and believing in your intuition.

The rest is from my trusty book:

Encountering a strange or unknown cat indicates that you do not recognize or claim certain catty nature or traits as your own, but need to look at. These can be good, bad, or both.

The color black usually denotes the unknown, mysterious, darkness, death, mourning, hate or malice, especially when associated with fear or uncertainty. However, if the feeling in the dream is one of joy or happiness, it would probably imply unmanifested spiritual gifts or qualities.

Decaying buildings: indicates negative thoughts and beliefs, old ideas no longer appropriate, negligence, lack of interest, decline of a once-active, intelligent mind ormay show you your crumbling belief in whatever the building represents.

The book also gave many types of buildings. The closest match was a barn: the area of animal instincts, lower levels of consciousness. I looked further on the internet: To see a barn in your dream, signifies feelings kept in your unconscious. There is a possibility that you may be holding back your instinctual action or natural urges.

Woods: To many, going into the woods is the act of getting close to nature and all its wonders. Trees radiate peace, loving-kindness, and wisdom when we are relaxed and "tuned in". It is a wonderful, refreshing, and renewing place to be. For others the woods may mean, "You can't see the forest for the trees", or it can be an area where one is unable to see his way clear, a place where one can only take one step at a time. It might even be a fearful place for some. Look to the feeling of your dream for further meaning.....

Ah well, I just thought it was fun and interesting. I admit, I like stuff like this and I wish I would remember my dreams more often. Anyway, it's mid afternoon now and I have to start getting myself and the girls ready to go next door. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to play catch up.....

Cheers! ~MacKenzie

Helloooo!!!! If this doesn't work you guys, I'm giving up on every posting songs on my blog again. SERIOUSLY!!!!!! It's not the music that doesn't love me and vice versa.... I think my computer just has one serious vendetta against me. I swear, the moment it comes to life in the morning it thinks to itself. "Let's just see how much we can piss off MacKenzie today" and then all of those little wires go racing around plotting....

So tonight my song choice is by the Cure, a group born in the late 70's from the United Kingdom. I must say, I am QUITE jealous of their singer, Robert Smith. I swear that man has worn the same shade of bright red lipstick for over a decade. Whenever I find a "favorite shade" it seems to disappear within a year or two. How does he do it???? :)

Ever had one of those days, one of those weeks where things just went wrong.... Sometimes wouldn't you just like to not even get out of bed.... The Cure was so nice to write a song about it!!!

Cheers!!!! ~MacKenzie

WARNING: Almost all of this post is copied from two different sources!

From Wikipedia:

A Friday occurring on the 13th day of any month is considered to be a day of bad luck in English, German, Polish and Portuguese-speaking cultures around the globe. Similar superstitions exist in some other traditions. In Greece or Spain, for example, Tuesday the 13th takes the same role. The fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia (a word that is derived from the concatenation of the Greek words Παρασκευή, δεκατρείς, and φοβία, meaning Friday, thirteen, and phobia respectively; alternate spellings include paraskevodekatriaphobia or paraskevidekatriaphobia) or friggatriskaidekaphobia, and is a specialized form of triskaidekaphobia, a phobia (fear) of the number thirteen. This myth came from the germans long ago thinking that somebody was to kill people the 13th of friday.

(by the way, I copied the above....there was NO WAY I was going to get some of the spelling for those words right!!!! )

More Wikipedia:

Before the 19th century, though the number 13 was considered unlucky, and Friday was considered unlucky, there was no link between them. The first documented mention of a "Friday the 13th" is generally listed as occurring in the early 1900s.

However, documentation aside, many popular stories exist about the origin of the concept:

* The Last Supper, with stories that Judas was the thirteenth guest, and that the Crucifixion of Jesus occurred Friday.
* That the biblical Eve offered the fruit to Adam on a Friday, and that the slaying of Abel happened on a Friday (though the Bible does not identify the days of the week when these events occurred).
* That it started on Friday, October 13, 1307, the date that many Knights Templar were simultaneously arrested in France, by agents of King Philip IV.

However, historically, there is no true date that the Friday the 13th superstition can be linked to.

In the case of Greece, Tuesday, April 13, 1204 was the date that Constantinople was sacked by the crusaders of the fourth crusade. The first ever fall of the then richest Christian city, and the looting that followed, allegedly gave Tuesday 13 its bad meaning. Ironically enough, Constantinople fell for the second time in its history on Tuesday, May 29, 1453, to the Ottoman Turks, a date that puts an end to the Byzantine empire, and to Greek sovereignty for several centuries, and therefore reinforcing Tuesday as an unlucky day in the Greek world.

Many modern stories (including The Da Vinci Code) claim that when King Philip IV had many Templars simultaneously arrested on October 13, 1307, that started the legend of the unlucky Friday the 13th. However, closer examination shows that though the number 13 was indeed considered historically unlucky, the actual association of Friday and 13 seems to be an invention from the early 1900s.

From NationalGeographic.com:

"It's been estimated that [U.S] $800 or $900 million is lost in business on this day because people will not fly or do business they would normally do," said Donald Dossey, founder of the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in Asheville, North Carolina.

Among other services, Dossey's organization counsels clients on how to overcome fear of Friday the 13th, a phobia that he estimates afflicts 17 to 21 million people in the United States.

Symptoms range from mild anxiety to full-blown panic attacks. The latter may cause people to reshuffle schedules or miss an entire day's work.

When it comes to bad luck of any kind, Richard Wiseman—a psychologist at the University of Hertfordshire in Hatfield, England—found that people who consider themselves unlucky are more likely to believe in superstitions associated with bad luck.

"Their beliefs and behavior are likely to be part of a much bigger worldview," he said. "They will believe that luck is a magical force and that it can ruin their lives."

Wiseman found that one quarter of the 2,068 people questioned in a 2003 survey associate the number 13 with bad luck. People with such feelings, he found, are more likely to be anxious on days like Friday the 13th and thus more prone to have accidents. In other words, being afraid of Friday the 13th could be their undoing.

So how did Friday the 13th become such an unlucky day?

Dossey, also a folklore historian and author of Holiday Folklore, Phobias and Fun, said fear of Friday the 13th is rooted in ancient, separate bad-luck associations with the number 13 and the day Friday. The two unlucky entities ultimately combined to make one super unlucky day.

Dossey traces the fear of 13 to a Norse myth about 12 gods having a dinner party at Valhalla, their heaven. In walked the uninvited 13th guest, the mischievous Loki. Once there, Loki arranged for Hoder, the blind god of darkness, to shoot Balder the Beautiful, the god of joy and gladness, with a mistletoe-tipped arrow.

"Balder died and the whole Earth got dark. The whole Earth mourned. It was a bad, unlucky day," said Dossey. From that moment on, the number 13 has been considered ominous and foreboding.

There is also a biblical reference to the unlucky number 13. Judas, the apostle who betrayed Jesus, was the 13th guest to the Last Supper.

Thomas Fernsler, an associate policy scientist in the Mathematics and Science Education Resource Center at the University of Delaware in Newark, said the number 13 suffers because of its position after 12.

According to Fernsler, numerologists consider 12 a "complete" number. There are 12 months in a year, 12 signs of the zodiac, 12 gods of Olympus, 12 labors of Hercules, 12 tribes of Israel, and 12 apostles of Jesus.

In exceeding 12 by 1, Fernsler said 13's association with bad luck "has to do with just being a little beyond completeness. The number becomes restless or squirmy."

This fear of 13 is strong in today's world. According to Dossey, more than 80 percent of high-rises lack a 13th floor. Many airports skip the 13th gate. Hospitals and hotels regularly have no room number 13.

On streets in Florence, Italy, the house between number 12 and 14 is addressed as 12 and a half. In France socialites known as the quatorziens (fourteeners) once made themselves available as 14th guests to keep a dinner party from an unlucky fate.

Many triskaidekaphobes, as those who fear the unlucky integer are known, point to the ill-fated mission to the moon, Apollo 13.

So, what are triskaidekaphobes to do?

Dossey said "practical" cures are as simple as learning to refocus one's thoughts from negative feelings to positive. His mantra: "What you think about, you begin to feel. What you feel generates what you do. And what you do creates how you will become."

In other words, those stricken with negative thoughts about Friday the 13th need to learn how to focus on pleasant thoughts. Those, in turn, will create pleasant feelings that make one's fears less overwhelming, according to Dossey.

"They haven't lost their mind. They've lost control of their mind," Dossey said of triskaidekaphobes. "They are focused in the wrong direction. In their mind they have a big, large, looming picture of something horrible that could happen."

Wiseman, the University of Hertfordshire psychologist, offers similar advice to those stricken with the fear of Friday the 13th.

"They need to realize that they have the ability to create much of their own good and bad luck," he said. "And they should concentrate on being lucky by, for example, looking on the bright side of events in their lives, remembering the good things that have happened, and, most of all, be[ing] prepared to take control of their future."

Folklore offers other remedies, however. One recommendation is to climb to the top of a mountain or skyscraper and burn all the socks you own that have holes in them. Another is to stand on your head and eat a piece of gristle.

So if you fear the 13th, take your pick of remedies and let tomorrow bring its luck—good or bad.

Interesting, huh!!!! ~MacKenzie

Life is a little better today. Could be better, but could be like yesterday so.... I'm okay taking this. Apparently, Honey and I are running parallel paths to each other. I guess I wasn't blunt enough with him when I said right out that I missed him and really, really wanted to spend some time alone with him. Only to get brushed off with the well, it'll have to wait until later. I think my other option at the moment is to knock him upside the head and ask if he's paying any attention whatsoever!!!!!!

Although I won't. We actually have never talked about this, but it's one of those personal lines we don't cross. It happened I guess, just on instinct. Where other couples joke around and punch each other in the arm or "get back at each other" with the playful slap, we've never done that. Well, actually, I tried it once, a few years ago and he asked me if I really wanted to open that door. No, actually. First, because if felt so uncomfortable to do it. Also, because what happens when the playful hit becomes something more. Why open yourself to that. "But I was just playing" "But you hurt me" "Don't get so sensitive, it was...." "But....." Nope, don't want to open that door. So even when a playful slap seems most appropriate..... nope.... won't go there.

It's just a little frustrating as we've been so... "up" lately. Maybe that's why this "down" is so emotional.


It was announced on the weather today that a new record for the amount of snow in Bangor was broken today!!!! Old record: April 1974 16.5" as opposed to April 2007 with 22.7" of snow. It's a record I would have preferred to remain the same.

I remember my childhood when sometimes we would go trick or treating with our winter coats on because we'd have snow on the ground October straight through March. I really miss those winters. You get your garden in during the fall harvest, let the snow fly in the winter, but by Spring time, your flowers are up and growing again. None of this nastiness. My kids just don't know what I real winter is....

I was so hesitant to take Pumpkin to school today as the roads are covered in wet snowy slush. But she missed a week of school last quarter so I decided it was better to send her. I hope that wasn't a mistake on my part.



In other news, Honey told his parents this week that we were going to take them up on their offer in regards to the house. So we are going to definitely have a very busy spring. Our approximate time line: April 16 Mema moves. Hopefully by the end of the month the house will be cleaned out. (it's very creepy to say that....) May we'll be painting the house (THEIR request....) and fixing it up, packing, etc.
In the beginning of June, we should be moving in!

It is very nice because they (actually Papa... I'm still not quite sure where Mom C stands in all of this but have EVERY intention of finding out BEFORE we move in) said they want us to feel at home and to make that place into our home. Papa and Honey are planning on putting up a temporary wall in the girls bedroom so that Pumpkin can have a least a little space to herself away from her sisters. The girls, although they don't know it yet, have chosen colors for their bedroom. Honey wants them to help paint their room. I admit though, that I'm not 100% on that. It's one of those yes and no situations for me.

AND, Papa said that he wanted to have a section of the basement cleared out for us because he knew we weren't going to be able to fit everything in the house so he wanted us to have access to it. The rest can hopefully go up to our other current storage space. Mom C and Papa own a building where their children's program offices are. The offices are downstairs and it's basically become "family storage" upstairs. Hopefully we have enough storage up there to fill in the gaps so that we won't need to buy any extra storage. Honey bought a few totes yesterday so this weekend we (or should I just admit to the I) will begin to pack.

One thing we all agreed to was the fact that we all need to sit down and insure that our expectations are all on the same page. I continue to be most concerned about the sunroom. I admit that I just have really bad feelings on how that is all going to play out. I hope I am wrong and it's the one thing I am going to focus on during the family chat.

Okay, well, unfortunately I have things to do, places to be and people to see. Plus, the sooner I STOP writing this, the sooner I can get my "stuff" done and the sooner I can get back on the 'Stream to go visiting. THAT is a good motivator!!!!

Cheers! ~MacKenzie

It started the first thing this morning. Just a the very moment I began to open my eyes, actually. I just wanted to get up and come out to visit with Honey a few minutes alone before he left for work. He's been away a lot this week. I feel as if we are only co-habitating this space at the moment, not really sharing it. If I could just have him to myself even for those few minutes.....

But first, I had to somehow get out of bed without waking the sleeping kid that I had snuggled into my side. She wasn't there when I went to bed last night, but there she was this morning. I don't even remember when she came in. I tried ever so carefully to get up. And I did it!!! I got all the way around the bed, to the door way and then, "Mommie! Wait for me!!!!!" oh boy......

Weekday mornings, I don't eat breakfast with them. I am not hungry when I first wake up in the morning. So after taking Pumpkin to school and coming home, starting the dishwasher, cleaning up after them, sorting laundry, vacumming, my tummy really began to rumble. So I made myself a piece of toast. "Can I have one too, Mommie?" "Me too, me too!" But, but.... this is MY toast, I haven't even eaten breakfast. "We're having toast!!!!" Damn, damn, damn@!!!!! Go away and leave me and my frickin toast alone!!!!!! I think to myself as I butter my toast, sprinkle just a little cinnamon sugar over the top and then cut it on two, handing a half to each kids with a horrible thought that THIS IS MY TOAST....

It feels like there has been a bombardment of Mommie this, Mommie help me with that, Mommie I spilled this, Mommie that and on and on and on and on this morning. Oh my heavens, if I hear it one more time I swear....

What?

That I'll spank them for being kids? That I will hop into the car and drive off? That I will yell at them until I can not even speak anymore? That instead of wanting to rip my own hair out, I'll want to do it to them instead???? That I'll go way beyond any boundary zone that the invisible commitment of becoming a parent decrees???

AHHHHGGGHH!!!! I hate it when this happens. I actually hate when part of me just wants to be alone. To just relax and hear the silence, to breathe and have no worries, no concerns, no interruptions!!!! Because the feeling just starts to spread and soon the part of me that wants to be a good mommie has to fight it off. And then the girls are stuck in the middle, fueling fires that they don't even realize. This morning, I actually would have called for back-up. But my closest friend and her husband have an appointment in Bangor, today is pre-admissions day for Mema so everyone over there is gone, Nana is recovering from a colonscopy so she and my Mom can't come over and I even got no answer at an acquaintance's house.

Today, it seems as if everyone else has a REAL life except for me. Holy crap but I feel like an awful person today. I feel selfish and self-centered and I feel like the exact opposite of the person I WANT to be. (hello me, where the heck are you?) That and one unhealthy dose of PMS just adds another whole dimension to the situation. And you would think, that after all this time, I would learn how to deal with this! I know that I have blogged about this before. So why on earth can't I learn my lessons like a normal person? Why can't I get past this feeling that creeps up every now and then???

 Fast forward an hour or so from the last sentence to now.....

Deep breaths, sitting on the porch in the cold air (we're actually supposed to be getting another five inches of snow again tonight, believe it or not), and fighting back, letting the urge to do something really stupid begin to fade..... such as break every dish in the house, drink a bottle of wine or running to the store for cigarettes (oh.... what a wonderful stress reliever in college.... it was super hard not to let that little addiction take hold and now I don't even dare keep them in the house for these little out of control moments....).... I'm forcing myself back to a more managable level.

I guess maybe I have to do something more constructive with my extra energy. Maybe I'll scrub the kitchen floor on my hands and knees. That's really the only way to keep this floor really clean. Swifter and the like just don't give it that deep down clean that elbow grease does.

Tomorrow I will probably look at this post and be super embarassed. I may even delete it all together. No one likes their rotten side to slap them up side their face. Or, I may leave it as a reminder that blogging for one thing helps. By using blogging as a steam outlet, rather than bottling it or being a complete idiot about perceived circumstances, I think I was able to let go of it easier. Would it work every time? I don't know. I'd rather not have these moment at all..... I think everyone has their own personal lines that they make for themselves. How close do you dare to walk towards that line? Some days it's tempting to take a flying leap over them. Thank the Divine that fear and the thought of consequences keep me in check. Sometimes I think (I fear) that's the only thing that does. And, frankly, I'd rather not test that theory.....

It's just a mood, just a moment, a bad one. Time to scrape myself up off the floor, accept I'm not as perfect as I think I should be, focus on the positive, and dig out my mop bucket....