I have been trying to work on this post since Wednesday. It keeps taking different twists and turns. I have spent a lot of time these past few days contemplating it, trying to sort through it, trying to put each little thought and point into neat little categories and cubby holes that could make the whole picture flow easier and fit well in my mind.
Well, it isn't working. I've dabbled with it, started writing it, made notes here and there. So this post, I guess will be whatever it will be. It's taking part of what I've written, of what I’m writing now and blending it all together. Will it make sense in the end? Well...... I guess we'll see!!!!
Last Wednesday, Mom C and Papa invited us over for dinner. Mema had her Gould's assessment done and at her skill level, she qualifies for nursing care. Mema’s children all together feel it best that she be in a nursing environment. Plus, if she remained at home, most of her care, even with people coming and going would fall on Mom C. Mom even now is past the empty mark and running on who knows what. Mom herself was diagnosed in the beginning of last month with chronic fatigue syndrome. She’s not taking care of herself at all and it shows.
It's tough because in one way, as Mema qualifies for the highest care, it is a good thing as more options are available, but to know that she has lost so much in skills is tough. In some ways, it sort of feels like we are losing Mema just as we have lost Mepa. It's especially tough on Mom. We are worried about her as she is just not herself. Understandably, she is trying to shuffle a lot of things around. It is very difficult to see her struggles to come to terms with everything. She made the comment the other day that she just feels as if she is betraying her own mom.
So we were absolutely shocked Wednesday night when they told us that after a placement is indeed found for Mema in a few months or so or longer, they wanted us to move into that house so we could get rid of this place and start the prep work on our land for our own home. It would be a LOT easier if this place were gone.
Then, we got a call from Papa on Saturday asking us to come over for dinner both Saturday and Sunday night. On Thursday, they learned that a new Alzheimer's unit was up and running in the middle of the state. So, they decided to take Mema and check it out. When they arrived, the Activities Director as well as the Admissions officer met them. Mema walked up to the director and GAVE HER A HUG saying that it was wonderful to see her again. Mema thought this woman was a long lost friend. They took off for close to an hour while the Admissions person gave the rest of the family a tour and talked about the facility. They learned that there was actually 3 placements AVAILABLE. Unfortunately, if they didn't act now, chances were that by the beginning of next week, they would be gone.
Then yesterday they got a surprise call from another facility. The facility asked if they could come us, and so they went out of mere curiosity than anything. And they liked it even better. Mema would be closer and where it’s smaller, it’s thought that she would not “get lost” in the system. The place is BRAND new and Mom said the rooms even seems so much more cozy and homey than the other place. It is nice that she would be closer to us as we would have more opportunity to see her. I think that is part of what Mom was worried about… Mema being so far away. Hopefully, we will get more details about this new place later tonight.
At first, we were struggling with the thought she would be moving this week, now it’s 16th. Even then, it's just so very soon!!!!! We thought we had time. At first everyone was saying we’d have months in order to spend time with her. Now, it is just so very short. And still, we have to make up our minds about the whole house thing. Because we thought we had more time, we just put it towards the back of our minds.
I don't know. It's just freaky. Moving into our grandparents’ house that seems to be falling into our lap out of great loss.
If I went with my head, it would make sense. Financially itself, it would be worth it. Eventually, this trailer HAS to be gone in order for us to fix up the land for whatever we decide to put here. If we decided on a modular, it would be at least 6 months or so (based on the time it took for Mepa to get his all set up next door) that we would have to rent a place. Rents around here are going between $500 for scary shitboxes upwards of about $950 a month. Guess-timating $750x6= $4500. Yikes!!!! It would cost us that much just to rent a place. Where here, there's a rent free place for us to live in for the next 4 years. (A time limit was mentioned...)
I look at where we are here and compare it to there. First of all it’s a well built house, and only 6 years old. There are no sagging floor boards and planks. There are no leaks in the Spring. The refrigerator is not falling into the floor (very inconvenient soft spot in the floor joists). All the windows open. The Venmar system helps keep pollutants out of the air as well as helps with the humidity (very IMPORTANT when having children with severe allergies). Because of the efficiency of the house we would no doubt be saving in our electricity bills as well as heating during the winter months. The wind would definitely not blow through the house as it does here. There is a generator wired into the house so if we loose electricity at least we would have heat, water, food and maybe a light or two.
It would be extremely tough for all 5 of us to be living in about 900 square feet of living space. We are crowded here at 1,100 or so. It doesn’t seem like much of a difference, but going into that little house and trying to picture all of us there. ??? I suppose we can do anything for a few years. Right? Surely we could make it work. We would take the small bedroom and give the girls the larger one. Unfortunately, there’s so little storage space in the bathroom. It’s teeny!!!! And the space that would have been for a stairway downstairs makes up the washer/dryer and is the ONLY storage for cleaning supplies, paper towels, etc. Behind the storage closet is the main bedroom closet and then a little entry way closet. The kitchen, too, is tiny. It’s barely bigger than ours so I will say that for me, especially, it will be tough. I got this thing from my mom where you just need lots of food in the house. If you’ve got full cupboards, you’re okay. Soups, spaghetti sauce and pasta, beans, cereal, oatmeal, rice, salad dressing, condiments, chocolate chips, sugar and flour and jams must be kept in quantity at all times. (And we aren’t even talking about toilet paper, paper towels, soap, shampoo, deodorant…. All of that stuff…..) So, it would be really weird to not have the room to store them. I almost have these really bad shivers going up my spine at the thought!!!!! We weren’t offered the use of the basement. And right now, it’s extremely full anyway of items that Mema and Mepa stored down there as well as Papa’s tools, and paint and outside furniture, etc.
The only thing that could save us is that there is a big sun room that connects Mom and Papa’s house to Mema and Mepa’s house. The whole back wall is all window and glass doors. It’s gorgeous. They said they would be willing to share that space with us. Well, not with us, per se, but they would allow the girls to have all their toys out there. Those of you who have read my blog for a long time, and have heard stories regarding me and my mother in law, though, know however, that by using the sun room, there would be plenty or rules….. Could I deal with that????
Speaking of heart matters in regards to this decision….. First of all, that is Mema and Mepa’s house. Even though it was offered to us, I feel as if we are invaders or something. Remember hearing back in medieval times people would wander across the fields after a battle and pick at the dead? Armor, goods, jewelry, anything was up for grabs. For whatever reason, I feel like one of those people.
And, there would be ground rules set up. They already said so. They have their life, we live ours. It was already determined that we aren’t going to have dinner with them every night. There may be times, days even, when we come and go and the only contact we have with them is the wave from the windows. The possible move to there would mean the girls must learn to live with a new set of rules. Visiting Mom C and Papa would have to have guidelines, too. Technically…… it could be done. Although we pretty much know that when it comes to grandparents and their grandchildren, rules are usually broken. Part of me knows that it’s good to get everything clear and upfront in the very beginning. Part of me is just rebellious and doesn’t want to be smooched under thumb again. It’s silly, I know, but unfortunately it’s there.
Also, I feel like I’m in a really good place with them. This is probably the closest Mom C and I have been since, well…. Ever?!?. I would really hate for that to change. What if, by spending more time with them we find that we just drive each other nuts!!!!! There’s a possibility of that happening. OR….. there’s the possibility that we could grow closer! And that would just be so wonderful!!! I would really like for that to happen. We both want our own thing and own way though. We’re very stubborn, only where I bottle things up, she lets it all out there. That means that not only to I bottle up the initial problem but her reaction to it. Once I have something in my head, it’s hard to let go. I am working on that though…..
It’s not actually like we’d be moving in with them. We would have our own space and would still be paying our own bills and living our own lives. Sure, there would be some adjustments. And again, couldn’t we do anything for just a few years????
As for Mom C and Papa’s perspective, it was Papa who brought up the possibility to Honey. After we got home that night, Mom C called and wanted to tell me personally about the offer. She doesn’t think she could take coming home from work everyday to see that house empty. She thought this would be a good solution for both us and them. Having the girls around, too is a big boost to them so Papa says. And even a neighbor who has been helping out with Mema said the other day that Mom was itching to have the girls over Wednesday night as she really needed to see them. And, it a project. A project for all of us. And a way to move forward. When Papa made the offer, he said that we could have the back deck all to do what ever we wished as well as the entire back yard, which is huge, BTW. It’s enormous, actually. It’s so nice. Papa said they would bring the swing set over for the girls and everything. And, if I wanted to, I could have a garden back there. Actually, then even PULLED OUT the Mepa card….. “Now you know that if he was here and could give advise to you, he’d want you to do it. He would be happy to see you in that house. He’d even go so far as to suggest how to get all of you in there comfortably!!!!!” The Mepa card was a pretty big thing to us. I don’t think they would have used it had they any qualms about the whole move in situation. What happens 6 months down the road or so when things begin to calm and life begins to return. Will they realize they have made a mistake???
There are consequences to everything and every decision. I just want to make the right one for them and for us. To remain here keeps us in this place much longer. To live there carries a bit of an unknown element which just bothers me.
Hummm…. Well, I do think I know where I’m leaning with this one. However, it feels as if there is something I am forgetting. However, I am done (finally, right???!) for today. If you’ve read through the whole thing, you are brave, brave souls!!!!! Thank you!!!
Cheers! ~MacKenzie
It just seems to be zappping all the energy out of me. The house is turning into quite the disaster and I haven't the ambition to get up and clean it. 
I still have my reservations. I'm really hoping that once Papa, Mom C, Honey and I all sit down and talk about everyone's expectations, I will feel better. I'm sure in some ways we all will. The biggest point/problem area I think will be the use of the sunroom that connects the two houses. I am very curious as to how it will all play out. But, I'm keeping my fingers crossed and having positive thoughts that this will all work out okay. 
. At least he is not keeping this all inside and is not bottling it all up. It still scares me sometimes that he won't even mention our son's name. After all this time, I wish so much that he had more peace with that passing as he is already starting to with this one. 
Sorry for my grumpiness.....
