I can't even begin to describe the day to day. But anyone who knows of loss has some sense of it all. Right now it is quiet. The girls are all safe in their beds. Honey has fallen asleep in the chair; the emotional drainage of the day has caught up with him. It's too quiet and I keep getting pictures and images of Mepa from the past several years. It's all the little things. Dear Divine how I am going to miss those little things.

I fear the worse may be yet to come. I fear it may turn into a circus before this is all said and done. He didn't want that. His children know that, but so many others want to say one last farewell. Apparently there is a law in Maine where you have to wait so many days before a body can be cremated. That's his wishes, that is what will happen in the middle of next week. A memorial service (aka circus show) will occur on Friday. No one already is looking forward to that, but the family feel they can't deny the right of others to say good bye. Besides, Mepa actually LOVED being the center of attention. Boy, should he love this one....

The three siblings, Mom C, younger Uncle, youngest Uncle, began the planning, sorting through of paperwork. On the very top of his confidental papers, the very first thing that was there was Zachary's obituary. He asked that he be buried as close to Zachary as possible. Honey and I had no idea. Not even Mom C. We didn't realize how much he cared because after Zachary's funeral and such, he never brought it up again. They included Zachary in Mepa's obituary after that because it seemed as if he would want that. At least Honey and I were able to do something today. Now, Zachary has his grandfather to one side of him and a few plots up and across the street, he will have his great grand father there, too. Actually, a part of him will be there, but he wants the rest of him spread out on the ocean near Mom C and Papa's beach cottage. He absolutely loved it that. Certainly can't deal with that thought and everything that goes with it right now.

It dawned on me today that as I have been with Honey for more than half my life, so hasn't Mepa been in my life as well. I always told Mepa that after we got married, he and Mema adopted me as their own grandchild whether they liked it or not. I always got a squeeze, a hug, an assurance that that was true.

Especially since they moved in with Mom C and Papa and we had so much contact over the past 7 years...., I have come to think of him as my real grandfather. The only one I ever knew as a kid was a very bitter old man who lost his son and blamed everyone. The most memories I have of my real grandfather were of telling me to shut the hell up because he was trying to watch the news, or that I was an annoying brat... I saw his handiwork as a drunk with a violent temper. He was my grandfather so I gave him the obliging hug and kiss good bye, but there was never any real emotion behind it.

I remember the first time that Mepa came up to me, took ahold of my face, kissed me right on the lips and looked at me straight in the eyes and said, "Ah, I love ya, doll." Said in that perfect 50's movies voice. It was my wedding day. It took me a bit off guard at first because my family was never (I mean NEVER) very demonstrative with their feelings. But I looked at him and the moment that the words I love you started to pass my lips, I had a very real sensation that this was not out of "proper responses". It had real emotion behind it. It keeps replaying in my head over and over and part of me just hurts so very much because that's all that I am ever going to hear it anymore...in my head. The other half is so very grateful that I had that experience. That there was someone willing to step up and show me what a real grandfather could be. Priceless. He's made sure over the years that I have heard it again and again.

I remember the look in his eyes when he saw his first great, great granddaughter. Instant love.

I remember him telling me how proud he was of us when I was in the hospital after the twins were born.

I remember watching him at family gatherings and the pride that shown on his face as he looked around at his family. He never thought anyone was looking....

I remember him watching Pumpkin sing on stage at a school Christmas play with tears of joy and pride.

I remember waiting for the ferry and he would take his three great grandchildren for a walk to break up the wait. How he loved to have them hold his hand as he's show them all the differnet parts of the world around them.

I remember his laugh.

I remember they way his eyes shown when he teased.

I remember him with my youngest after she had just learned to walk. He stood her on his toes and waltzed with her. Oh, he absolutely loved that.

I remember it now, but I am so so terrified that with the passing of time I will begin to forget.

Damn. I have this horrible habit of when I'm trying to cry silently, I start to hiccup. I guess I have to stop for now. I don't want my hiccuping to wake Honey. I have to go and pat my eyes dry before I wake up Honey and send him off to bed. If he sees me like this, then we'll probably start all over again. There's just been enough of that today.

As I tried to explain to Pumpkin who is struggling to understand. If he's okay, then why are we so sad? Why are we crying? Trying to tell her that we aren't crying for him, but for our loss of him for a time doesn't make much sense to her. Although it isn't the matter that matters, but the energy that matters, yet we are missing the matter of him, is just too confusing. See, isn't it??? Trying to explain that he may be gone physically, but still remains part of our hearts, is difficult for her to understand. Just as we shared in his life, so he shared in ours and will always live on with us, yet we cry because he is not here physically.... welll...... Now I feel as if I am running around in circles and everything is getting jumbled again.

It does not feel real. We were there tonight and Honey and I both said we were just waiting for him to jump out at us and say surprise. We did get through our first meal without him, though. We all remember his saying...

Life is for the living...so live.

That's all it takes. One split second and life as we know it changes, drops a great big hole in our hearts.

We just got...the call. Mepa's gone.

Honey rushed over to his parents. And so here I sit. Shaking. Trying to pull myself together. It's okay that he is with the rest of the family. He needs that...to be there right now. I've got to stay strong. I can grieve later... (oh boy...guess what you bloggers get to read in a few months or so... lucky you.....)

Oh my god....how on earth will we tell the kids that their beloved Mepa is gone???

I wish now that I hadn't said it. This morning when I was talking with my mom, explaining to her what was happening, I asked her if the Divine did things like have him hold on just long enough so that he could say farewell..... I feared, I really feared....

Damn. It's not him who I am crying for...but for us who are going to miss him on this side so, so much....

Well, I don't think that I am going to be able to be on the the Stream for a few days or more. Amazing how the world can change on it's axis in one split moment. I only have a few moments now before I really get into the dirt of the day.....

Basically, my father in law (Papa) saved my grandfather in law (Mepa/Grandpa....they are interchangable)'s life yesterday. Mepa had a heart attack and stopped breathing. Papa, who has taught First Aid/ CPR for several, several years was able to provide rescue breathing until the ambulance. Papa is one of those guys who just thinks he did was he supposed to do. I hope realizes the impact he had by saving a person's life. We seriously, SERIOUSLY almost lost our Mepa.

After being stabilized in the local hospital, he was taken to Eastern Maine Medical last night and after a series of tests he'll have to face open heart surgery. So, I guess, technically he is not out of the woods yet. Fortunately, Mepa in the hospital was awake, aware of his surroundings, talking, making sense...... Honey went right down and was at least able to spend a little time with him. Little Bro and Fiance met everyone in EMMC, so they, too got to see him. I wish so very much I could have gotten to, but such is the life of a mother. The girls would pick up so easily on the tension. Plus, for me, little girls being in the middle of an emergency situation is just not okay. The fact that Honey got to see him is enough.

Mepa is one of those anchor rocks in the family. I don't know if I've ever mentioned that Mema has Alzheimer's. She is okay if he is around. It was so horrible yesterday when poor Papa had to wait with her in the waiting room.. She would be okay and then forget and then get ancy where Mepa was, then Papa would say..... and then she would panic all over again. What a horrible, horrible situation for the both of them.

It was actually Mema and Mepa who made me feel comfortable in the family. Papa is hard to get to know because he is so inward. Once you breech the inner circle, then he's willing to enfold you, but you have to want to go through the hard work to get there. And Mom C is well.... an army unto herself. Those of you who have read Inner fire for awhile know what I mean. She is very opinionated and her way is the right way and the only way. Still....we are slowly coming into balance finally after all these years. Meeting Mema and Mepa, having them welcome me, take interest in me, want me to share with them back, means so very much. They are affectionate. You can't get away in greeting or leaving without hugs and kisses. Sometimes you get them inbetween, too!!!! It's a wonderful experience.

So today I am off to cook and clean. Family is gathering. If Mom C and Papa are not home, they are coming here. I am going to try and do whatever I can to help out. I know they will not want to cook, so I will step up and do that. With company, they won't have sweets and such, so I can at least do that.

It all still feels a little unreal.

I do apologize now for not getting back to all the wonderful comments you have left, for coversations left hanging. Today he is being monitored, tomorrow, if everything is going okay, he will be battered around by a load of tests and then depending on what they find, the surgery will take place. Oh Divine....

sorry everyone, no editing, no spell check...no anything.....

~MacKenzie

Oh dear, I did something really, really bad last night. I didn’t mean to….SWEAR, I didn’t. I swear the following was mere accident. It would have made an awesome April Fool’s joke, perhaps, but definitely not good in a normal everyday situation.

Last night Honey had a trade show to attend for his job. He and some friends went out to supper at a Chinese restaurant. To be sweet, he brought me back an order of Chinese ribs… you know, the ones in the really bright red sauce….the ones that taste mostly of salt and garlic???? Well, I put them in the refrigerator for later.

Later came right before I went to bed, for whatever reason. Honey had fallen asleep in the recliner, but before I woke him up, I decided to hit a few ribs first. So I heated them up and I was standing at the kitchen counter happily munching away. I had speared one piece with a fork and with my hands, was trying to get a yucky piece of fat off the meat when suddenly, the rib fell off the fork and splattered the sauce perfectly all down me and onto the floor. “OH NO!” I cried out. I was afraid that the sauce might stain the floor.

A series of things sort of happened at once. First, I went to get the mop. Honey must have heard my "oh no" because he woke up, got up only to find the mess in the kitchen. I returned with the mop to see his startled eyes. “What happened? Are you all right?”

And I took in the scene before me through his eyes. Significant love yelling, walking out to see in the dim light a curious red substance on the floor, a perfect splatter pattern that looked in that light just like blood. “Blood” on my shirt, my shoe, the floor. The concern he has. And what do I do? Do I tell him it’s okay… everything is fine, explain, comfort him????

NO.

I start to laugh. Where the heck did that come from? And it’s a hysterical, belly rolling laugh. It’s one of those laughs that once you start, you can’t really stop; it sort of takes on a life of its own. And, truly, I don’t really know why I’m laughing. It just…happened. Finally, in between gasps for air, I’m able to get out the word…RIBS. And I point to the dish. My teary eyes finally see that he, too, realizes the situation. And I wait for the laughter to join me.

Only, there was no laughter.

He was pissed at me because I was laughing, at what he probably thought was him. Which leads us back up to my very first sentence. Because I tried to stop laughing. And his reaction really was sobering, but it still took me a bit.

Lying beside him in bed last night felt... Distant to say the least. Before falling asleep, I explained AGAIN what happened, but he still just wasn’t over impressed with me at the moment. He said all the right words, kissed me good night, but it didn’t exactly have the LOVE in it.

Fortunately, this morning things seemed much better, thank goodness. I guess he really just needed his sleep. I don’t blame him for his reaction; looking at it from his stand point, I can see his reasoning in being angry. And I guess now, it’s me feeling guilty (even though it was an accident) and wanting to make him feel better.

I’d make him his favorite cookies as a way of showing him that I really want to make him feel better, but he actually decided to participate in Lent this year. A first for him. I asked him why after all this time and he said simply because had never done it before and wanted to see what it was like. Technically, he could have gone for not swearing or giving up his morning coffee to get the REAL experience, as giving up sweets for him is minor. But hey….not my call. In fact, had he told about it earlier than just saying, oh, by the way, I would have done it with him. I am interested to see how his little experiment will turn out. I’m interested to see if eating sweets again will produce the result he was looking for.

Growing up, his family predominately practiced in the Catholic religion. Well, actually, as an older child, his parents became very active Pagans so he has a bit of experience with a variety of religions. Yes, family gatherings, especially those related to around the holidays could be very interesting as one set of grandparents are Pagan, the other strict New England Baptists. Fortunately, everyone comes from a place of respect so there does not seem to be a whole lot of friction, Thank goodness!!!!

Life is interesting, isn’t it! There’s always two perspectives, two ways to look at one situation. It seems in many of life’s situations, there’s not many wrong ways, just different ways to get the job done. So I’m off to find something special to do for Honey today. And it’s not because I have to, but because I want to.

I will say this, though; I don’t think Honey will be bringing ribs home any time soon......

Cheers! ~MacKenzie

Well, I was going to be mean and post a picture of a dust mite. They are Ugly Little Things!!! And frankly, I don't want to come to my blog and see them, so forget it!!!!

This weekend, Pumpkin and I have been working really hard at getting her room more dust mite unfriendly, as she is so allergic. Well, no wonder my poor sweetie had red rimmed eyes all the time and had colds when no one else seemed to. With the medicine that her dr prescribed and better efforts to keep her room more tidy, hopefully she'll feel the difference soon. She's never really complained, though. And her symptoms seem to come and go. She was tested for asthma, though and from what I read, not treating this now could lead to that later. eekkk!!!!

Man, it's certainly a fine line between having a "sterile" bedroom and a comfy girlie room with the frills. We've had to do some serious compromising on what to get rid of and what she can keep in her room. Already it looks bare to me, though. No more scatter rugs. Dusty curtains cut down to a minimum....fewer stuffed animals, finding more room on her shelves to help keep things up off the floor to make sweeping and mopping easier. It's just not what I envisioned for my babies....

When reading up (again) on dust mite allergies, it was recommended to wash the bedsheets, etc. weekly in water 60 degrees Celsius. (can't remember right off hand what it is in Farenheit.... 130? doesn't really matter at this point..... trust me..) Okay, our hot water tank is set lower due to electrical and other house reasons that Honey explained. Basically, I sort of stopped listening at "no it isn't..... there's a good reason why..... and ....the... but..." He said no, he said why, and that's all I really wanted to know anyway.... (awful today, aren't I!) Lower temperatures won't kill them all off completely. Well, rats.....



At this point, you all have probably figured out that I'm feeling a little scatter brained today. Sorry. The intake of everything is keeping the processor going on to maximum to try and catch up, but I'm still not able to focus and file things into good, flowing, easy to read thoughts.



The web site I was on also stated that these nasty little dust mites thrive in heat and humidity. There were recommendations to freeze stuffed animals and such in the freezer for up to 24 hours to help kill them off. Sort of makes sense... heat/humidity =live; freezing/dry... =die off. However, no evidence was found as to how effective it would be because wouldn't dust mites in the room return to good feeding ground?

Today I washed the bed linen. (my bi-monthly schedule has become disrupted ..hey if you broke it all down, washing bedding from five single beds every week is a lot. I had it so that I washed pumpkin and ours one week, the twinadoes the next, and so on, so on....) The setting was in the hottest water possible. Next I put it out on the line. I'll leave it out on the line all night tonight as we are having a run of teens-20 something degree nights.

So do you think it's going to help? I don't know. And I have no way of testing it out. However, I do have the knowledge that I won't be running my dryer for that time, plus.... I'll have fresh smelling sheets. Added bonuses!!!!!

Have a great day, everyone!
Cheers! ~MacKenzie