Yesterday was just a strange day. Pumpkin had to come home from school early because she was not feeling well. I had some errands to run later in the afternoon and couldn't find anyone to stay with the girls so I ended up taking all three with me, sick or not. I had been asking Honey all week to go to the insurance company as our policy had to be renewed and they had found a cheaper insurance for us, but we needed to give them the deposit and sign the paperwork by yesterday in order to get the discount. All week long, and I suppose by the end of the week I began sounding like a harpy, but I reminded him to stop in. The insurance office is in the same town as his office. To me, it just made sense for him to take care of it.

Making a long story short, he was already at the bottom of my "TO HIT" list as I had to get out, waste my gas by driving all the way there, now with a sick child only to do what I had been reminding him in the first place to take care of. We saved a $800 on insurance this year. 800!!!!!!! Why on earth he didn't go in last MONDAY and take care if it, I don't know. But, that's why it was so important to get it done.

So last night, he asked what progress I had made on some of the ideas we had come up with to bring greater income into the house. Unfortunately, this week was filled with meetings and phone calls for the other job so not much got accomplished at all. Yes, it is frustrating. But it led him to start in with the you know, this has to get started now...blah, blah, blah..... This, from the person who went out and bought pumpkin's b-day gifts without telling me (although we had discussed what we wanted to get her even before Christmas, I just wanted to be a part of the buying process, too), who bought a TV season DVD set (but it was on sale....), who had the audacity to get angry because when he called the teller banker to find out how much money was in the account he didn't bother to check the check book to see if any bills had been paid (and they HAD.. a lot of them...).

This was definitely me. I SAW through a haze of red. He immediately became No. 1 on the "TO HIT NON STOP until I do not feel like hitting anymore"!!!! Which means that I can do absolutely nothing. I started to defend my position, but knew that if I continued, I was going to start saying things I did not mean only to hurt him. Fortunately, there was that voice that found reason and told me to shut up before that happened.

I swear, I could have kneed him....THERE because well, just because!!! I really do not know what he was thinking with last night, but surely it could not have been his brain. (Hummm do THOSE things have the capability to make such decisions??? I thought it only viewed things in terms of sex [and how to get it]....but well what do I know...) anyway....

We agreed to talk about finances later. It was the best solution at the time as we were both upset and in that mood would be able to accomplish very little.

I suppose this may be the beginning of the adjustment phase. We both have said what we want, but now we have to put things into practice which includes changing our ways of thinking. That's probably going to be the toughest thing of all. Not spending money is probably going to be the toughest for him. The force of an impulse buy gets him almost every time..... I fear for me, once the meeting coordinator job goes away, once that burden/weight goes away, it's going to feel so wonderful that I just want to stay on cloud 9 for a bit. Maybe a day or two wouldn't be so bad, but then, it's time to land and focus again. That will be hard. Plus, I often get lost in the process rather than move ahead step by step. I THINK I'm making progress because I'm moving, but I actually stumbled upon a hamster wheel.

Okay, anyway..... it continues to be interesting. I hope Mom C finds someone soon so that I can begin the "letting go" process of this job.

Cheers! ~MacKenzie

I can't tell if this is the week that I most hope to remember or the one I most want to forget. I've been dancing on highs, draining my soul to the bottom of the well, crying at the tiniest things. I've felt deep fear, the most tender love and have found support in places I never thought to. I've shook with anger and frustration as well as laughter at the antics of my family. It really has been quite the week.

After another small panic attack on Sunday evening, Honey and I sat down and really began sorting through the pieces of ....life, the universe, everything. We went back and forth on the issue of my job, of the income I bring in, of the impact continuing it could have on the girls, of the possibilities to remain as is, or to just leap out in the fog with faith that we would be found.

Monday, Honey brought home a little book that one of the directors of another division at his agency let him borrow. Apparently, he's been talking to a few of his female acquaintances at his work place, seeking the advice of other mothers/co-workers, etc. Two in particular strongly suggested we both read the book and see if it helped. (I'll talk about the book later, right now I don't want to get off track....)

It started us talking about "remember when we wanted to do....." or, "why haven't we got around to ...." Have we gotten so off track? We both realized we had. It's as if we worked hard finding some solid ground and then when we did, when we started to... for example, to be able to pay our bills and have a little left over, suddenly we began enjoying ourselves so much that we settled in on the couch and basically began to let that moment in time become our world. The fog began misting around us and we didn't even notice. Suddenly, we couldn't see anymore and wondered what on earth happened, yet did nothing to change it. Perhaps if we just closed our eyes, it would suddenly become sunny again. There was never any thought to picking up the couch and moving towards the sun again. Until now.....


What would you do if you weren't afraid?

This was one of the questions in the book. What would I do? Oh my goodness...... A LOT!!!! One being that I would latch onto my experience with motherhood and turn it into an amusement ride. I would savor the moments that otherwise might pass me by. I would drive my daughters to the beach for a short walk and not feel guilty. There'd be no more "I shouldn't be here; I should be finishing...." I wouldn't sigh as I was trying to write a report only to be interrupted because my daughter who has just learned to read wanted to share a story with me. I would renew my friendship with cooking. Not baking... I'm okay at that...but actually cooking meals. And when I mess up, as I know I would do, I would laugh. So we would have another soup and sandwich night..... I would the girls into the woods on a spring afternoon and show them how wonderful it can be just to sit and listen to nature.

I would work on becoming the person that is there inside, but is so loaded down with everything else that I often forget all about her. I must do this, I have to be there, I've got to focus on this, I have to do this, I have to, have to, have to..... and where exactly is it leading me? to panic attacks for one.... now THAT's the lesson I want to give to my girls, now isn't it..... (now I KNOW that you can recognize sarcasm when ya hear it....)

Can't I do that now? Can't I work on my cooking, walk with my girls, etc, etc, .... Well, yes...technically..... But I'm so tangled up in trying to live my life in the fog, I'm only half participating. And believe me, kids know. It's gotten to the point before when the girls and I will be doing something but I'm so lost trying to plan out what I need to do to catch up from being with them that Parrot has actually grabbed my face between her sweet little hands, to get me to wake up to what she's saying.

Ever heard the saying, "If Momma ain't happy, ain't NO body happy?" It's actually true. My moods effect the entire house hold. And in the end, is it really worth it to try and continue this way?

Honey and I have been looking around at ourselves. Suddenly, blinders off, curtains opened, and what we saw, astonished and saddened us. How could we be living so off key, yet thinking that the melody was just fine? Living does not come by buying that new house. Happiness does not mean the best of everything. Eating sour grapes is just that...sour.

For how long have I mentioned in my blog that I feel stress, that I feel there's more to life than....this.. that auto-pilot just isn't quite what it used to be, that this isn't where I want to be. How many times have I heard, especially here on my blog that I just need to take a moment to breathe!!!!!

So after saying all of that, although Honey leaned more one way than the other, he said it was up to me how to proceed. As I have often had to adapt to his decisions, it would be time for him to adapt to whatever I wanted. The only thing he said "No way" to was the girls going in day care. That is very important to him. I respect that.

I can't begin to tell you how much I've prayed for the "right" answer. I've felt abandoned, alone, heartbroken. I began to seriously question everything! Then suddenly things just started coming to me. A faint whisper in my heart here, a stirring in my soul there. A voice that said, listen: pay attention. It kept breaking through the barrier and was persistent.

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

It's time for a change. It's time to shake things up and wake up. It's time to explore and learn and remember. It's time to focus again on what's truly important. It's time to show the girls what living is really all about. It's time to get back to our dreams. I think my time as meeting coordinator is at an end. Once the decision was made, things suddenly began moving ahead.

I told Honey. Cool! He was hoping this is what I would do. We have discussed how hard it will be. What is interesting and we both picked up on is that the book also mentioned is seeing where you want to be and then finding the path to get there. Some of our dreams from awhile ago surfaced at the same time. There are dreams we share together and this may be the push we need to find our path to them again. I had to laugh though because already, Honey has huge plans on how to bring in some more money to the budget....all of them involving me. :)

I told my Mom. She's known for a long time how unhappy I have been. She said she'd been praying for a long time that I would find what I was looking for. She was surprised I'd held on as long as I have. She wants to do what ever she can to help us out, even finacially if she can. Now, she's on a very tight budget. To offer that and such a showing of support touched me more than I'm willing to talk about here.

I didn't come right out and tell Papa, but I eluded to the fact of where my thoughts were. There was no, so you're going to give up, are you? There was no what the hell are you thinking! No, you'll never get a house that way.... There was only "you're happiness come first and everything else will fall into place. It always does, trust me..." He asked if I was going to continue with my cleaning job and I said definitely. He said he would have to talk to Mom C, but he thought he could give me the hours for cleaning the new offices once they get up and running, if I was interested. Wow.... okay....I'm interested.

Of course, I had to tell Mom C. I mean, she technically is the my supervisor, after all. It was scary, actually. I told her what I had been feeling, some of the signs, whispers, conflicts that I was having. She said she felt as if this job was going to get a lot worse before it got better and I didn't need that chaos in my life. She thought (gulp... on my part) that I was making the smart decision. Sure, it will be tough for awhile, but sometimes, you have to do what you have to do. She said she had a dream where she saw me walking with a wolf, and stopping to talk with a snake and a black panther. She shared her interpretations with me. She said she wasn't surprised at my decision. (technically, I think she was happy that she wasn't going to have to fire me, the daughter in law because can you imagine how THAT would effect the relationship? )

So, my main (financial) job will be ending at the end of February. This gives the new person time to adjust to everything that is expected plus learn the ropes a bit as there is a meeting scheduled for the middle of February. Today, I attended a planning meeting training/update. Apparently, there has been training/updates offered quarterly for the past 18 months and we never received an invitation to any of them!!!!! And some of the forms I have been using have been updated, but I had no idea!!!! Well, things begin to make a little more sense...... And what they expect the meeting coordinator to do now? wow.... All I can say is that I'm glad it's not me (not for much longer, anyway!)

So now, it's a process of rethinking our current way of thinking. Last night I asked Honey where the travel mugs were because I could not find any. He told me to just buy some on the way. Pay $2 or more for what I could get cheaper at home! No way!

And I'm pushing for that garden again this year. It may end up that the only thing we get from it is zucchini again. I can grow a pretty mean zucchini . Okay, I know...like, who can't when they put their mind to it.....

All ready, I'm seeing little things that "must go!" things that we should have been doing all this time. It's time to start focusing on that self reliant lifestyle that we had wanted a little while ago. It's just time to wake up, that's the only way I can describe it at the moment.

Will it be all fun and games? No...In fact we have thought about worse case scenarios. But right now, really, we are at the bottom of the barrel. There's not much room to go down further. We could completely ruin our credit to shreds, have a vehicle repossessed, ummmm well, the land we are on still technically belongs to Papa so they can't take that away, and the trailer isn't worth that much any more. In two years, it will be paid off..... So, there's a few things that could really go wrong. We have to muster up a little faith.....

And if we can't pull it all together, in two years, the twinadoes go to school. True, a lot can happen in two years, we just have to pray for the best. I've already researched it and according to the school district's qualifications, with my background and education, I could become and Education specialist and work in the schools. I'd have all the school days off, vacations, summer break, right along with the kids. What a nice set up. There are many possibilities to discover. I'm feeling slightly giddy (or is that the lack of sleep) ....

Cheers! ~MacKenzie

Found this, thought it cute...wanted to share....Cheers!!

I woke up this morning feeling anxious and tense. I knew that yesterday Mom C and Papa had a meeting with the State. I knew they would talk about my position as meeting coordinator. I started my day with the thought that I was going to tough it out and continue. Surely things couldn't evolve so much that I couldn't manage. It would take me out of the house for a little bit, but perhaps that is a good thing....being out in society, that is.

I met not my mom-in-law but my boss today. That put me further on edge. I will not go into details. Although I willl say that many communication errors occurred and apparently there have been several trainings on how these meetings were supposed to occur, additions to the reports that were supposed to take place and since we did not know of them, it is part of the reason the State is so very unhappy. As much as I understand, I'm still just as frustrated, and the whole position itself has just become much, much more complicated. Going to the training will again, take me out of the house. It will also put others out when they have to watch the girls. Wow.. I am really missing my mother and grandmother's help, but where Nana has been so ill lately, that possibility is not very likely. When I was on the phone with Mom C, I said that I was going to continue, but was going to look around at other possibilities.

We got off the phone and I went about mundane tasks that did not require thinking. Suddenly while scrubbing down the stove, I felt disoriented, dizzy. I was standing still but my head was spinning. (no Exorcist jokes please... )I could feel my heart beating faster and faster in my head and I couldn't seem to catch my breath. Full blown panic attack. Okay....well, that just completely sucked!!!!! Thank God, thank God, thank the Divine that the girls were in the bathroom washing their play dishes and seeing how many of them would fall down the sink drain. (at least it kept them busy....) I was doing my best to calm myself down and was at least able to breath again and see clearly when the phone rings. It was Honey asking what he should pick up for supper. hiccuping and sobbing through the conversation, I wonder how much if it he actually made out.

He always knows the right words to say and how to make me smile. I was feeling better by the time we got off the phone.

So now I'm just praying that something will come my way. I certainly do not feel as if I have any job security right now. And already, it was said that one mishap, and Mom would have to find someone else. Suddenly the meetings have become a HUGE deal and a lot depends on them. The voice in my head says this is SO not for me. Well, what then, I ask. How do I replace the funds we need to remain even. Right now I don't care about saving for that house or anything, I will give up gaining ground, I just don't want to back slide.

I feel lost. I feel as if I could grow three heads, 7 legs and tenticles rather than make this all work. The one thing I have going is that Honey says what ever comes we'll weather it out together.

I know everything is supposed to happen for a reason. Man, I cannot wait to look back on this several years from now and see why!

It's been a really LOOONNNGGGGG day. With that, I wish you all a pleasant good night.

Cheeers! ~MacKenzie