Well, I went away from my blog upset because of "The lost post in cyberspace". Yet, I can't get it out of my head. Before leaving, I tried back spacing, the works, but I had to face the fact that it's gone. "User timed out due to inactivity....." well...poopies!!! That just stinks. I admit, it takes me a really long time to write an entry. First, I have to sit and sort of free write, then I find a small phrase that focuses me in and in between interruptions from the girls, in between writing with one finger because one or the other wants to be on my lap, I fumble through. When the words flow through the inner fire so smoothly, it causes my addiction to blogging to grow and grow.

The feeling of the lost post is stuck in my head, but the words are gone. I'm not quite sure where to try and pick up the pieces. The following doesn't convey what I thought nearly as well as writing that was lost, but at least some of it is there and I can only move on from here.......

Mom C and I spoke over the weekend regarding my job. I would say that currently we are in the negotiation stage of whether I stay or not. It was nice because she spoke to me not just from the boss stand point but mother in law as well. She told me what the State was requiring and I was able to tell her what I felt I could do and what I felt I just could not commit to. Where funding is involved, I can't make promises I can't keep. They want to clarify a few things and then we'll talk again.

In some ways, I want so much for them to tell me that I'll have to resign. I absolutely hate this job hanging over me. I feel it weighs me down. I hate with the heat of a thousand volcanoes erupting all at once, with the heat that flows out of an exploding star with.... Okay, I know. Theater drama where it shouldn't be. Sorry. I just cannot tell you how much I have come to despise this job.

You know, I never really realized what an impact motherhood would have on me. I saw other women juggling careers and motherhood with seemingly ease and thought if they could do it, so can I. Unfortunately, I was seriously misled. I guess I though that to be a stay at home mom was not....a worthy occupation? a rewarding career? That's horrible, I know. (Believe me, I KNOW.) I guess I thought that "Today's Woman" in order to be anything was supposed to do everything all in order to have it all. Yes, you may say it: What an idiot!!! I agree!

Because now, all I really want to do is be a stay at home mom with my girls and maybe have some fun part time side line that lets me explore my creative side as well as use my natural talents. (business reports NOT being one of them. :) )I want to take on the chef, the financial planner/bill writer, playing maid, gardener, housekeeper, which consequently all takes a back seat to mother/friend/playmate. I have changed. I could care less about having it all; as long as I have what's most important to me, I feel the "all" factor will take care it itself.

Looking back, Honey and I have done pretty well this year as far as finances go. After we got straightened out in the beginning of the year, April through August, we were able to pay our bills, save for our possible someday house and even have a bit left over to play with. September came and that second car payment as well as additional insurance really took the wind out of our sails. However, with a bit of juggling as Honey only gets paid every other week, contending with the occasional snag and doing things a bit differently, we are able to meet our bills each month. There's very little left, however.

Which leads me to the point of security, another thing I can become addicted to VERY easily. Honey and I have lived without financial security in our lives. Been there, done that; it was okay when it was just the two of us, but now with the girls, they change everything. Without my paycheck to come into the bank account, forget being able to pay all the bills, forget about saving for the house, forget about the little treats and heaven forbid the occasional snag!

It seems simple when you look at it. Grin and bear it. Do the job the best I can and stop being such a baby about how much I hate it. As those who have read this blog for awhile know, I've written about this before, and even though I wrote about it before Christmas, I'm no further ahead. I desire to break away from my current job in order to pursue something else, but it would take me awhile and there's always the what if factor. It's scary to think of what happens in between leaving my job and finding myself again. I can't figure out what is the best route. My compass appears to broken as it's spinning in all different directions. It's part of the reason why I secretly hope that when all this is said and done, ends won't match and Mom C and I will come to the resolution that I will have to stop.

You see, I have this horrible pattern in my life where I make a decision by not making a decision. I just go with the flow and see where life takes me. Everything comes with a price, a consequence. By not actually choosing, I don't blame myself when the consequence turns bad. Just look how good That's done for me. And I wonder just how the heck I ended up here a wishy washy shadow. (hello, auto-pilot)

I'm not really sure how all of this started. I do remember a time when I wasn't like this at all! If a situation came up at work, I dealt with it. If something happened at home, I took care of it. There was a time when decisions actually came EASY for me. So what in the world happened? I'm not sure how exactly I got from there to here, but it's yet another mystery that must be solved.

So here I sit still questioning, still confused and lost in the fog. But thinking....and those little sparks from my soul are shooting out everywhere and somehow, somewhere, something's gotta catch sooner or later.

Cheers ~MacKenzie

Do you not absolutely hate it when you type a perfectly good post, when it explains perfectly the way you are thinking today...when you have taken so much time getting it just right, and just when you think maybe, just maybe, a little progress from your soul only to suddenly

POOF!!!!!

disappear.

Oh my goodness. I think I want to cry...... well... RATS!!!!
~MacKenzie

Personally, I am glad that the universe was set up so that certain things happen at certain times of the year.

Last night, we spent New Year's at Mom C and Papa's with the family. Some relatives from southern Maine are there for the weekend and it was so nice to visit with them. We live in the same state, but only manage to see them about once or twice a year...... not exactly the best of track records. I'm not quite sure why this is so, but when we are together, we have a wonderful time catching up with each other.

Last night, we all decided just to see how long the girls were going to last. Yes, I will probably pay the consequence for this decision this afternoon when the adrenaline drops, but we'll deal with it then. Monkey lasted to 10:30 before suddenly running into my arms and falling asleep within a minute. Parrot lasted until 11:48! 11:48!!!!!! I was so surprised! So close to the new year...... And of course, Pumpkin managed to stay awake until we got home. I have to admit though that she was REALLY spacey towards the end of the evening. Everyone slept in...in fact Honey is still sleeping!!!! If he isn't up by noon though, man, he is going to be in for a BIG surprise!!!! (hey girls, would you like to go wake up your daddy???)

Today is just a laid back lazy day. Not very much got done over the weekend and so I am playing catch up trying to get the house in order again before we have to go back to the same weekday routine tomorrow.

As I stood in the kitchen this morning washing dishes, I reminded myself just how much of a pack rat that I am. I hate to throw anything out. I'm so afraid that two days later after I get rid of something, I'll need it again. Or, if I throw out that smiley face that Honey left for me 4 years ago, maybe I will forget that he gave it to me in the first place and maybe I would forget how he made me feel just at that moment. I have seed packets dated from 4 years ago. I still have the last teddy bear that my father gave me and I still have a sweater that I wore in high school sitting in my closet. High school..... I wore it in HIGH SCHOOL and I still have it and, I must confess, occassionally wear my now ratty, pilled, holey sweater even though it doesn't fit me nearly as well anymore.

Why?

For some, New Year's denotes an out with the old, in with the new feeling. Let go of the stupid things you did in the past and create new memories. A fresh start, new beginning, and all that other good stuff.

I would never delusion myself into thinking I could change my ways instantly and let go of all that is holding me down. Talk about setting oneself up for a huge disappointment. However, I could start small. I can throw away that ridiculous sweater. I could get rid of those shoes I never wear anymore. I could give away those books that I never seem to have time to read over again. I think I could even get rid of the scrap of paper with the smiley face. I perhaps might forget that memory, however that warm fuzzy feeling has pooled into another greater feeling and that is something that is with me no matter what.

When your life gets so cluttered with "stuff", there's no more room to add anything of consequence. I fear that if no room is made, no flow established, life becomes stagnant. I wonder how stagnant my life is become. Perhaps that's part of the reason why I feel as if sometimes I'm in a serious rut.

I guess it's time to start cleaning again, and not just my house, either. I wonder what will float to the surface? I wonder what I will have to choose to keep, to throw away, and I wonder if I will have the courage to just let go what I need to? hummmm.... Only the new year will tell.....

Cheers! ~MacKenzie

A New Year's message received in my email this morning from a friend:

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-enterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber and the I.R.S.

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

May New Year's Eve find you seated around the table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends. May you find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.

May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may the commercials on TV not be louder than the program you have been watching, and may your check book and your budget balance - and include generous amounts for charity.

May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent, your siblings; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.

And may we live in a world at peace and with the awareness of the Divine's love in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile, every lover's kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.

Happy New Year's and may blessings find you throughout 2007.
Cheers! ~MacKenzie

Ah....quietness after the holidays. Joy! Unfortunately the reason it's so quiet is because everyone was sharing nasty little germs over the past few days. Honey is having the worst time right now. Low energy, a hoarse cough, runny nose and all around under the weather type feelings. Before Christmas he had to go to the doctors and was given anti-biotics. While on them his cough still lingered. He says he will not go back, but we'll see.... Monkey and Parrot just have a slight cough, Parrot's a little worse and has a slightly runny nose, too. Pumpkin fortunately is doing really well and appears to be the best out of us five. Me? Nasty sore throat and I'm just beginning to get that yucky tickle in the back of my throat that makes me want to cough. I fear the extra Vitamin C and Echinacea floating around my system may be in a loosing the battle....

So we, like many other households are digging out from all the new "Stuff" that has come into our home. Today I finally put Pumpkin to work and told her that for everything she took into her room, she had to remove one thing. No, not an easy task for a six year old, but she's a little pack rat all ready!!!! Finally, seeing her frustration, and looking around her room we decided she needed a Clean Sweep and we are in the process of moving everything out of her room in order to get rid of that which she really doesn't need any more. Although I certainly did not want to take on any big projects she appeared to really need one. She almost all of her small stuff out of her room herself. While Christmas shopping last week, I noticed some shelving that would fit great in her room. But we can't get back up to Ellsworth until Friday. I certainly do NOT want to wait until Saturday to put her room back together, and at the same time I want to do it right. Hummm..... I will have to get creative.

So this afternoon I was cleaning off the table when Parrot came out to me because for whatever reason she couldn't get her jeans back on. Okay...you would think that I would wonder why she had taken her pants off to begin with, but well, she does enjoy dress up and such so I did not think much about it. When helping her, I noticed she smelled a bit...funny. And when I had almost gotten her jeans on, I noticed the unmistakable smear of poopies on the jean's creases. Okay...off to the bathroom we go. Where I was able to piece together after having her totally strip down, clean her up and put her back together again that she had had an accident in her undies. Now, if it were Monkey, she would have called out happily that she was having a problem. Not Parrot.

It was easy to figure out the following steps... the initial poop on fingers and trying to wipe it off on the tub done to her satisfaction. Then she grabbed some toilet paper, did her best to clean up her undies and left it on the closed toilet seat. It...yes...it... along with other attempts to wipe her self up, leaving of course the toilet paper attempts all over the floor, and the final...must get IT off her fingers ....the top of the toilet seat will do. I have to admit, I really, really appreciated the invention of clorox clean up and anti bacterial soap for that little adventure in parenthood. Thank goodness she hardly ever has accidents any more!!!!!

I started out anxious and eager to do some blogging, but now that I am here, I can't think of a thing to really write about. With all three girls at home, I have found out in just these past two days that I am able to get even less done than usual...including visiting Blogstream. I fear that if I am not careful, I may go into withdrawal. However... January 2 is now less than a week away. I will wander when I can and be content with that!!!

Cheers everyone!! ~MacKenzie