A week from now it will be Christmas Eve.  How unreal it feels to me.  It's strange this year.  I've been feeling so very sentimental and sensitive this holiday season.  Even those crummy commercials, you know THOSE ones...are enough to bring me to tears.  What the heck?!?  Things have to be just so this year for whatever reason.  And yes, you can side your sympathies with Honey now, even send him flowers if you wish; I fear he may need them by the time this is all over. 

From my childhood, I remember two main Christmas scenarioes.  The first occurred mostly when I was a young child.  For whatever reason, on the 23rd, I'd get a stomach ache.  On the 24th, I'd be on the couch with the "puke bucket" next to me.  Fortunately, on Christmas Day, the momentum of peeling away the paper from my gifts would get me through the day and by the 26th, I was eating left overs as good as the rest of the family.

On those Christmas Eve's, I'd be snuggled up on the couch, a blanket tucked around me so tight I could hardly move, my feet often resting in Dad's lap as he tried to joke me into good cheer and my Mom would occassionally remind me to keep drinking ginger ale for my tummy.  I was excited one year when she bought cranberry juice to mix in with my Ginger Ale.  It was...festive, much more so going in than coming back out, however.  Every year it seemed the same TV line up:  Charlie Brown, Frosty, then the Grinch.  (Rudolph was one the week before.)  Later Frosty was replaced by 'Twas the Night Before Christmas.  After that, we would watch "It's a Wonderful Life".  It was always on Christmas Eve, and even to this day, I have the firm opinion that the movie is so much better in black and white. 

The other type of Christmas, which is the one more settled in my mind started out at 4:00 Christmas Eve.  Why 4:00?  I haven't the faintest idea, but by that time we would have our overnight bags packed and we would load presents, this that and the other into our car and we would go to my grandparents.  Christmas Eve was (again) usually spent around the TV.  My grandmother was in her GLORY as she spread out a simple buffet consisting of sandwiches, cheeses, dips, fruit, home made candies, breads and more.  There was never a formal come fill up your plate; it was a free for all the entire night, complete with, yes...my now favorite Cranberry Ginger Ale.  Fortunately, at my grandparents on Christmas Eve I was never sick, although I admit to sneaking much more of the candy than anything.  It's surprising I didn't have some sort of stomach ache.

Christmas Eve my sister and I would share a room.  I always got stuck next to the windows and when the wind blew just right, I would freeze!!!!!  But it was always part of the fun.  I remember doing my best to stay awake and listen as the house began to get quiet.  And they all settled down for a long winter's nap......  The saying is true!  Those Christmas Eve's where the moon and stars were bright were always my favorite because it illuminated the entire back yard, which my window faced.  I suppose perhaps when I was young I may have been waiting up for Santa.  When I got older, it was more of a gazing at the sparkles in the snow and just feeling and enjoying the moment of Christmas. 

Christmas morning, we would be either awoken by sleigh bells (those few years as we got older and my grandfather got impatient for the festivities to begin) or, we would be awake and the sleigh bells were a signal that we were allowed to go downstairs.  It was SO hard sitting among the packages waiting for everyone to sit down so we could start unwrapping presents!!!!!  Eventually the adults would stagger in and sit down, often with their mugs of coffee and bits of food that they snagged from somewhere.  Usually Dad was in charge of handing out gifts one at at time so we all could see what the other got. 

Gifts were always first, then we could see what was in our stockings as Mom, Nana and Great Grammie went to prepare breakfast which changed from year to year.  I loved the homemade cinnamon rolls the best, though.  Warm yeast rolls with home made jam isn't that bad, either.  Sometime in the morning after breakfast we'd change out of our pj's and go back to playing with "THE" best present that year.  Although I admit, I was always careful to time how much attention I gave to each present because I was afraid to disappoint someone.  I knew (or thought as a child anyway) I was being watched to see what I played with.  It would have been horrible if I had hurt anyone's feelings on Christmas. 

By 1:00 (my great grandmother was supposed to eat by noon Sharp, so to stretch it to 1pm even though we'd have breakfast around 9 or so was amazing).  we'd sit down and have a turkey dinner.  Great Grammie also had to be home Christmas Day before sunset.  Actually, she hated to be out of her house period so to have her spend the night with us Christmas Eve was almost a miracle.  (She complained the whole evening long!  I happened to be her favorite so it was always...go ask Grammie to help you with such and such, which I did happily because I thought she was pretty wonderful, too.)  When Dad took Grammie home, that seemed to be the signal for Mom and Nana to divide the turkey dinner and for us to start getting ready to go home.  Christmas Day evening was filled with putting our things away and having either hot or cold turkey sandwiches. 

While visions of sugar plums danced in their heads was a dream for a Christmas Day sleep.  That evening I would close my eyes and think of all the wonderful things I had seen, had heard, had tasted, all the things that occurred, the jokes, the pranks, the teasing.....  My family made Christmas about being with family.  Some years I swear the presents stretched out across half the living room, and others, we got just a few, but that was okay.  Presents were fun, but having the family all around and hearing stories and listening to all the noise.  That was magic.  That's what I remember most about my childhood Christmas.  It feels now as if I was living in a strange and wonderful fairy tale. 

Everything has changed so much now.  Well, okay....I know everything has to change, but tonight I would rather walk in my memories of Christmas past and try to remember every detail, every story, every moment, every tiny everything,  because they are so important and are a huge part of me.

Sweet dreams....  ~MacKenzie

This morning was the agency's Childrens Program Christmas Party. There were crafts and a puppet show, food, games, a story and even Santa popped in from a visit. There were a lot of happy, over stimulated kids there and by the time we left, our kids were one of many on a great overloaded sugar high. Supposedly it's been proven that sugar does not hype a child up, but well...tell that to our kids because they appear to not follow those guidelines!

Okay......... I thought I was all set for Honey for Christmas. I ordered his gift on the 13th, they confirmed the order and even took the money out of our account. Phew! What a relief. But suddenly last night, I received a notice from the company I ordered from stating that there was a mistake and the item was out of stock. . This morning, the funds were back in our account. Before we left this morning, I went to four different sites looking for this item (which of course I can't say what it is incase Honey decides to check in.... ). When we got back, I looked around some more and after 7 sites, I have given up trying to get this wretched thing; I'm just a little frustrated myself. It WAS a perfect gift, but no longer since I can't seem to get my hands on it. And by now, I would want to make sure that I get it by Christmas which means extra shipping charges. At one site it was $17.95 to get it here by the 22nd. Good grief....I could find him another gift for that price!!!!

So on to plan B as he claims that he, too, hasn't bought me a gift yet. (He's usually a last minute shopper, anyway...) Now to convince him that we should pool our money together and get something we both want... That would get us both out of trouble! After all, we've done it before.... hey wait a minute...last time it was HIS Idea...does that me he didn't get me a gift!!!!!!!

tee hee!!!! Okay.... I have one more craft for the girls to do and I'm hoping to get it done tonight. Although with my head still pounding from many children's squeals of delight and the fact that we are all now in different stages of a cold (and I swore we would be well this Christmas, but I came down with the sore throat and sniffles when I woke this morning), maybe we can start half tonight and finish up tomorrow.

Cheers! ~MacKenzie

So, earlier this week I really feared I had lost the momentum of Christmas spirit that I've been able to maintain so far. The agency Christmas party was this afternoon and after some really good food, gifts and a couple glasses of homemade eggnog complete with rum.... Well, it helped pick up the holiday cheer. Either that or being out of the house by myself, with no kiddies to look after...just a bit of freedom, really did the trick.

Lots and lots of things have been piling up so quickly that I can't process through them.

Honey's Best Friend, who has been through rounds and rounds of depression for the past three years has been going through a horrendous cycle. It got to the point where he decided it was better to start cutting himself again and now he can't be left alone. His Wife has had to stop working so they will have no income except her unemployment. It's really hard to see someone who you went to high school with and have followed their life these many years take this turn. Fortunately, he was able to get into crisis counseling again and will be matched with an appropriate counselor. He wanted to get into Acadia, a crisis hospital, but was denied services because he hasn't actually tried to commit suicide yet. It frustrates us to no end.

BF's Wife is having, of course, a tough time dealing with this herself. She was put on the waiting list for counseling, but it's a long wait. How frustrating is that! So, she gets to talk to me. Now, I want to be there for her, I want to somehow help, but I'n no counselor! I'm just worried. I'm focused more on her right now to give her some support than him.

Honey has thought about taking up blogging again. He had one for awhile on another site, but got bored with it. He's looking around again. I told him Blogstream would do well by him and he said he'd think about it. I SWEAR....I was not trying to peek over his shoulder, but I know what blogstream looks like and he was doing some reading on here tonight. I had to keep biting the inside of my mouth to let him look around on his own. Blogstream will sell itself with out me yapping at him. I wonder what he will decide? Well, I suppose if I start flirting furiously with some new person, you may well figure it out!!!!!

My job is still up in the air. However, two more meeting occurred this week and I have all the material to do the new reports so I am going to start them this weekend.

Good news! We are so relieved to have Monkey's pediatric cardiology appointment done and over with. It occurred yesterday and we were told that her sub-aortic membrane that has a growth on one side causing a large murmer in her heart has not changed since last year and she's good for another two years. What a relief! One thing her cardiologist stated was that it was extremely important to insure she has the best dental hygiene as an infection from the mouth can easily get into the bloodstream and cause problems. She must begin antibiotics two days before any dental work is done to help prevent problems. She should be brushing her teeth up to four times a day. And guess what part of her bedtime routine she hates the most? Yes, of course...cleaning her teeth! Ah well....

With the holidays so close now, I'm starting to slowly work on cleaning up the house. Christmas Day we have sort of an open house all day long. That way the girls don't have to leave their Christmas tree and have all day if they wish to open their gifts. I like letting them have the time to appreciate each gift and play with it before moving on to another one.

Okay. There's a lot I have to get done before I go to bed tonight. I hope you all have a great weekend!!!!
Cheers! ~MacKenzie

Well, apparently it is another sleepless night for me. The house tonight is so very quiet; all I can hear right now is the hum of the computer, the click of the keys and the whisper of the Inner fire.

Earlier tonight I had to run out to the van to get something and when I looked up, I saw the stars shining away. With a sigh, because it's so cold I came back in, but I kept thinking about the stars. Well, since I'm awake anyway.... I threw on a coat and out I went.

OMGoodness, the stars are twinkling so bright here tonight. And it was just as quiet watching the stars as it is right now here by the computer. When suddenly a brilliant meteour came shooting out of the middle of the sky, my first thought was, "Oh good grief, change is under foot!!!!" And as I stood and pondered a moment, another one went zinging by.

It's strange. Before I knew I was pregnant with Zachary (and we had been trying for so long and had pretty much given up), one late fall evening I was out watching the stars when the MOST AMAZING shooting star struck from one end of the sky and zoomed across the entire sky before winking out. I had goosebumps all along my arms and a tingle in my spine as I watched this fire ball full of reds and oranges and blues against the brilliant white move in front of my eyes. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. The same happened with each of my pregnancies and a few other small events in my life. I know it sounds crazy and that's okay. I had a great, great aunt who swore that if she woke in the middle of the night and she saw a red floating sphere in her room then someone was going to die, and her predictions were fairly well on too. She didn't really care if others thought she was a bit crazy..... but somehow she knew. Sometimes, you just have to go with what your gut and instinct is telling you.

And apparently there's a great meteor shower going on because I saw many more, but it was just those few that made me feel to my core, change is gathering it's forces.

Did I mention the stars were absolutely sparkly tonight? Yes? Well, that's good because they were. But that isn't all. My eyes got hot and watery when I heard the lone hoot of that owl. Truly, I have not heard so much activity from them as I have since my birthday. Tonight, it just touched me because the sound was just so, so beautiful.

I'm sorry but I don't envy you who live in big cities and have theatres to entertain you and clubs to go to and all sorts of entertainments at your disposal. Tonight you couldn't offer me the grandest house in the best city of the world because that means I would have to leave the stars and the owls and the sounds of the night behind. Nope....tonight it's priceless.

Have you ever felt so small while standing under the stars? Like there is just so much more out there that's just so much bigger than you? I felt pulled in every single direction. Everywhere I turned there was yet a new star that caught my eye. And yet the more I looked around, the more I felt I was turning my back on ...something. But what if I missed something else because I wasn't looking in the right direction?

You know those static electricity balls, or maybe they are called plasma balls. I can't remember but they are a glass globe with a center and when turned all static electricity that looks like lightening shoots out all over the surface of the glass? And if you put one finger on the glass, suddenly the flow of electricity begins to focus on that point of contact. Standing under the stars I could not help but wonder where to put my finger on the glass. On the top, the bottom, somewhere to the left? What direction should it flow? Oh, how complicated, and that is a little how life feels sometimes, when I stop to think about it.

I found myself wishing for many things tonight. Mainly it was wishing to truly live again. Not to just experience the little things, but the BIG things as well, and yet not forget the lessons I learned by appreciating the little things. I wish I had time to write more, I wish I had time to bake more, to take bubble baths more, to create (?) more, to laugh more and love even harder. I wish I had time to stand under the stars more. Yes, I enjoyed my visit with Orion and Leo and the Pleiades and more tonight. Somewhere when I was younger and I learned that Pleiades was also known as the Seven Sisters, I began to write a story for each of them. Only the Divine knows where the story went; I can't even seem to recall how I started their stories, only that at one point, I did. It raises my eye brows a bit and makes me wonder, ponder where I would possibly begin again.

I wish I had a magic book. However, it's probably be named The complete idiot's guide to Mackenzie (DUH!!!) . I wish my life came with a complete instruction book, one that was not written is some ancient alien language. I guess I just need to find my own Rosetta stone......

Okay... I think it's time I try to go to bed once again. Now that I've gotten the above out of my system, I think there's a possibility of a few hours of sleep ahead of me.

Cheers! ~MacKenzie

If so, please, may I borrow it! Goodness gracious but I would really like to start the day over. It's just been "one of those days" where really, it would have been better just to pull the covers over my head and cower in light of this day. From breaking my favorite mixing bowl to actually forgetting to pick up poor Pumpkin from school (it was a half day and I forgot! ), and everything inbetween, all I can do is sit and laugh. Fortunately, Pumpkin thought it was all an adventure and well, as far as the other "stuff" what are ya going to do? There's no use fussing over what cannot be changed. Crying, maybe, but fussing? ....no...

And what's worse...haven't been able to get my email in three days!!!! Oh, the horror!!!! The withdrawal!!!! The pain!!!! I have orders to check on, and email to reply to, and things to follow through on. It really stinks. I've enjoyed having Incredi-Mail, but it's been unreliable for the past month or so. Honey, on the other hand, HATES it! He's thrilled that I made a deal with him. Tonight if he can get it working long enough to get all the info that I want from it, then he can get rid of it. He says the computer will run much better. Right now, I'm just a bit obsessed about getting my missing email back.

Cheers! ~MacKenzie