Dear Self...okay...maybe we need some sort of reminder here. Ya know how every night, ya turn off the lights in the house, wander down to the bathroom, pee, wash your hands brush your teeth, check that you got everything out from between them, peek in on the girls one last time and then wander into your bedroom? Well, that's for a reason...REMEMBER! It's all supposed to be little hints that the day is ending and now it's time for rest.

HELLO!!!!! Finally, when you get undressed and slip under the covers, you know, adjust them just so..and your head hits the pillow, that's the time to close your eyes, forget everything and guess what....GO TO SLEEP!!!! So what the heck is the problem tonight?

Damn...I wish I knew!!!!!
If you are reading this and you feel the frustration and anger all the way where you are...sorry...it's just me getting really annoyed here in little Down East Maine!!!

~MacKenzie

This morning I woke up to find a pounding in my head as I rolled onto my back (knocking off my cat who insists lately on sleeping on my hip at night.... ). It was one of those nights where I know I dreamt all night long. About what? Only the Divine at this point knows. I do remember the last dream though.... tee hee.

Actually, reading this back after having written it, I suppose it bears thinking on...but anyway... here's the closing remarks to my night....

I was late getting Pumpkin to school and when I opened the door to usher the kiddies out to the van, I met a wall of snow. Fortunately for me, there was a door (Made out of snow complete with icicle knob) in the wall of snow and as soon as we walked through that, we were in the driveway. Still the snow was about waist high. Part of the driveway had been plowed, part of it not. So, holding the twins on my hips, we all managed to make it to the plowed area. I discovered that the mini van was gone and was a bit annoyed at Honey for taking it. Moving towards the car, which turned out to be a vehicle he had owned several years ago, it was completely buried in the snow! It would take me forever to dig the thing out. But with the snow shovel near by, I started in only to get completely frustrated after several attempts to remove the snow got me no where. (When I went to toss the snow off to the side, it would magically return to the spot where I scooped it up from, much to my dismay and frustration.)

Wishing out loud for the van, I turned and...ta da!!!! There it was! Okay....now we're getting somewhere. I got the girls in their car seats and hopped into the van, turned the key, only to discover that a plow had been attached to the van. And, it had a mind of it's own as it was alive. There was this snapping, angry out of sorts plow on my van and I had to get Pumpkin to school so she would not be late.

So what did I do? I said to hell with the snapping plow, I'd deal with it later because I really, really had to get Pumpkin to school. When I backed and turned the van around, I discovered that the whole bottom part of the drive way was blocked with snow. Hoping the plow would cooperate, I moved towards the snow and thankfully, the plow was more than willing pushed the snow away, but in small doses, so that it took several times of moving forward and backwards to finally get on the road.

But then on the road, the plow started getting into trouble again and while I wanted to go straight, it kept wanting to turn. I suddenly discovered myself in the middle of a city in the middle of traffic and that rotten plow kept wanting to pull into every garage, every car dealship, anything that had to do with cars. It even pulled me off the road more than once. In my dream I do not recall how I got out but in the blink of an eye, I was on the road again struggling with it. Thus, the dream slowly faded to gray as I began to wake into consciousness of the day.


Cheers! ~MacKenzie

Yeah!!!!! Honey and I are an Auntie and Uncle again!!!!! Little Brother and his fiance found out they are pregnant!!!!! Fiance is 7 weeks a long and has had her first doctor's appointment to determine that so far all is fine. It's a bit scary as she high blood pressure so that's something they will have to really watch, but right now, everything's great!

OH! AND.... apparently twins run in Fiance's family. For fun, she saw a fortune teller at a fair this past summer who told her that next year before she would marry, she would have twin girls. Fiance said that she had nieces who were twins, but the teller said that these would be her own. Mom C swears she had a dream with new twin babies a short while ago, so everyone is saying she's having twins. Honey and I don't care one way or the other...we just can't wait for our niece(s) or nephew(s) or a combination to get here!!!!!

Cheers! ~MacKenzie

I HAD a big long post all set to go today. I had written that Honey returned home early today because he was sick. I had wanted to talk to him concering a new problem that I learned of today, but where he was out of sorts, I didn't. Around dinner, he made an appearance. Sensing I was upset, we were able to talk in code around the kids. Basically, here's the exerpt from the other post:

I so hate it when my emotions get tied up in having to make decisions. I feel as if I'm trapped in a deep box this afternoon and it's because of my job. My heart has not been in it forever it seems. When it came down towards having to choose between the job I loved and this one, in the end I chose writing these horrid State mandated reports for the agency I work for because it would allow me to stay at home with the girls.

I'm trying to think things through calmly, logically, realistically. I'm trying to figure out all possible solutions and then go from there, but the wagon wheel is apparently stuck in a rut!

I got a call from Mom C today acting as my supervisor, not my mother in law. I don't know how exactly she is able to turn the switch on and off like that, but she can. Perhaps it's just part of her work ethic. She told me she had to talk to me about the reports as everything had to change and she was not sure I would be able to do it.

Then, later on I found out from my co-worker who helps out with the reports that apparently the State of Maine is not happy with the way I am writing the each individual's annual reports. I have tried very hard over the past 6 years to combine what my supervisor (Mom C) expects from these reports as well as what the State wants to see, and sometimes they have not always meshed in well together. I do not want to forget anything that is requried in the reports, as a delay could delay funding for the individual, messing Papa's budget all up. In the end, I've sectioned each topic according to what the State wants and have added a lot of info Mom C wanted. Sometimes that info does not change from year to year, yet that is what the State wants.

I thought I was meeting the State's requirements..... I mean, out of the 6 years I have been doing these reports, only three has ever had to come back for revisions. All the rest have been approved...I thought it was a good track record........

Apparently the agency is loosing is standing with some of the Higher Ups in the State, and when funding for your business is on the line, it's not good to loose ground with these guys. The smaller, less important people in the State "zoo" seem to have the loudest voices and apparently the agency is loosing reputation points, so I have been told.

There are a few other things going on that has to change, too, but the main concern is whether I am going to be able to continue to do the job or not, especially with upcoming developments. And with no one to watch the kids, I would not be able to go to all the trainings or meetings that they are going to start requiring. Nor would I be able to kiss be-hind of those I detest. I would have to work more with "State people" and they give me instant headaches. Yeah, of course in all things it's like that... I suppose I would find that anywhere.

Good grief. To resign would be my dream, EXCEPT there goes the dream of our house. Without my pay check, there's no chance of that. We wouldn't be able to make all of our bills a month, either. Honey says I should see this as the opportunity it is and resign. He knows how much I hate it. He says we'll make it work. We will still have his two pay checks coming in as well as my 4 hour paycheck.... I could take the opportunity to find what I want to do.....

Fortunately, I have some time to think about it.

It's tempting. Real tempting. I don't know though.... I just don't know!!!! urrrgghhhh!!

~MacKenzie

I have discovered as I'm getting older that this time of year holds many wonderful memories laced with the occassional sadness of what was and what we wish was now, but isn't. This morning thirteen LONG years ago marks the moment of my father's passing. It seems as if every December 5th since then, my mind wanders down Memory lane to recall my father's humor, wit and wisdom, private moments, special moments, even some of the darker moments.....

I think this blog has pointed out the fact that my Dad was an extremely big influence in my life. After spending most of his time in the navy, he wanted to see at least one of his daughters grow up as he knew he had missed so much with my sister. He was a HUGE fan of Christmas after having to miss so many while out to sea. It's what got us all through that first year without him.

Out of all the times in the year, it's this month that really makes me yearn for loved ones passed. Over the years I've discovered my weakness of searching for signs from beyond that they still remember. Whether it really happens or whether I want so much for a connection to them that I myself make it happen, I'm not sure. And I don't know whether I want to find out. Out of thirteen years of missing my Dad, there's only been one year that I've really questioned.... the rest, I've told myself to believe.....

Many would call the following a coincidence, but a few years prior to Dad's passing, we did not get snow before the 15th or so. I recall driving down after hearing the news that snow was predicted sometime during the first week of December. On December 8th, the day of my Dad's funeral, as we were saying our final good bye, it began to snow. It was his favorite sort of snowfall.. the light, sparkly lazy sort of snow...the kind that is reserved for Christmas cards sort of snow....

Speed up to December 5, 1994. Honey and I have just moved into our new home in Bangor. We're just getting that we're home and life is good feeling. It's mid afternoon and Honey is at work, I'm getting ready to make a casserole for supper that night. Suddenly, I get an urge, not just any urge, but this powerful no questions asked urge to step out onto the back porch. Wrapping a blanket around me, I step out and just sit for a moment. There's a tingling in the crisp, cold air. And after a moment or two I get sort of a dizziness in my head. I wander down the steps and peer into the woods. I'm staring and staring and suddenly, I looked up. I realize there are snowflakes falling on my face.

Oh my goodness, it's snowing! And it's wonderful and it's peaceful and.... well, everything. I'm standing there staring up at the snow when I realize that I did not feel as if I were alone anymore. I swear, if I turned around I would see my dad standing just a few feet away. I could hear him in my mind and I could feel him with my soul.

I could have turned around; perhaps I should have turned around, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to know for certain, I only wanted to revel in the peace and tranquility of the moment and the knowledge that at that moment, things were okay. At that moment, it didn't matter that Dad wasn't physically present any more, he was there in my heart and soul and it...was okay.

Every year but one, it has snowed sometime between December 5-8th. Yesterday afternoon it snowed. Today there's the occassional snow squall.... All I can do is watch the snow falling with a smile on my face and a Hi Dad, love ya! in my heart.

Cheers! ~MacKenzie