I think I'm getting spoiled, either that or my brain is becoming stubborn. I'm finding that when I want to REALLY write, it's much easier to do so on my blog rather than in Word. Perhaps I find that I have more of an commitment if I write it for my on line journal? Perhaps deep down inside I want people to see some of the deeper thoughts and feelings? I crave that connection?

The other day after drying off from the shower, I stood staring at my clothes, and couldn't find a THING to wear. Now that's aggravating. Personally, my clothing is supposed to reflect my style, my sense of being, sense of self. I have a few favorites (all which were in the wash that day) and that's about it. I felt like a kid whose mom washed their favorite blankie and the second the dryer stopped, I was right there and pulled out my favorite skirt and was happy again.

Something was brewing that day because when I walked through the kitchen and living room, a deep sense of unsatisfaction welled up in me. There's lot of chaos going on in here, lots of little messes that have been pushed aside, lots and lots of work to do.

I am very goal oriented, (well, duh...some of you who have read my blog for a long time say... :)) a very once the plan is formulated to stick to the plan type of person. If I made the plan, then usually it's a pretty good one. (oh, the commitment and execution of it though....sigh) I can be spontaneous, but only up to a point. I often feel tied down to the "responsibilites of life" is the best way I know how to put it. Not even in my dreams can I remember the last time I really ...flew.

Do I really remember who I am anymore? I dunno. I fear my auto pilot is stuck.


Some people believe that the butterfly is a symbol of transformation. I once read that life is constantly changing and as we continue through life, we too must transform and retransform ourselves both mental and spiritually in order to grow and develop into our full potential.

I fear that the cocoon I have built around myself is getting a little old, a little tight. I think I'm starting to get too fidgety, jittery even. Well, crap...! The desire for change is about as stubborn as the desire to just remain here from a safe distance and observe. But that's not what life is all about, though is it....

Will I procrastinate? Yup. Will I back slide in to past comfort levels? Most likely. Will I have times where I forget all progress? Momentarily. Will I desire to stay too long at the pit stops along the way? Probably. Will I get completely ticked off with myself and want to forget the whole journey? don't need a magic 8 ball for that one....

But the end result... oh, the possibilities that abound. Because I don't know fully where I'm going with this. But something has got to give here. I don't want to spend the rest of my life, like...this. I do know that change is around the corner. And I don't want to end up as one of those mean old grumpy shrunken women who had the chance and openings in her life to alter her outcome but was too afraid, courageousless and a complete idiot to do so when given the opportunity.

And there's my post for the day....
Cheers! ~MacKenzie

The 15th? How on earth can it be the 15th all ready? Wow. Well, after spending about 20 minutes outside with the phone box, I've had the phone for....well, it's been close to an hour! Imagine that!!!! Supposedly on Thursday, they'll be here. I must admit, I'm getting a touch annoyed. I'll behave myself, though. Promise!!!

Unfortunately, I don't have much in the way of poetry this week. I haven't been able to connect very much with the poetry because of the whirling of emotions going on. I like being able to reflect what I'm feeling, even if no one else understands it but me.....

I will not tempt fate to disconnect me from the world once again....

Written by Emily Dickenson--

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

I must say, I hate having the jitters. It's when I can't concentrate on anything. It's when every 10 minutes or so I'm up pacing the house. It's when I'm starting a dozen things at once and none of them get done. It's when I have so much going through my mind, I just can't settle down. Oh how I hate the jitters....

Plus, it's raining again. Just lightly so far. Saturday our "secured" date with the telephone repair personnel was a no show. I do hope we will keep our phone.... That, too, is giving me the jitters.

I did a little check/balance after my "window" shopping on Friday. Oh my....I did not realize window shopping was so expensive. Did find the girls some Christmas pj's, something we usually have a hard time doing and end up having to order from a more expensive store. Also bought three gifts. I can honestly say I have started my Christmas shopping. However, after my financial check this morning, I find that that, too, is giving me jitters.....

I also intensely dislike the jitters because when I have lots of thoughts going through my head, they are so much harder to get out. I have started a post in Word, but honestly, I cannot concentrate enough to follow through on it. So it remains stuck, bubbling up from the Inner Fire to the surface contributing to ...what's that word again... jitters.

I really did want to post something on my blog today so here it is...such as it is.... It's just the jitters.....

Cheers! ~MacKenzie

Well, yesterday, after exchanging unplesantries with Honey first thing in the morning, my friend and I took off for some early holiday window shopping/ idea gathering in Bangor. After arriving home at around 2 this morning, Honey's (who fell asleep in the chair while waiting up for me) main reaction was first concern and then relief that we were home and everything was fine. My friend did not fair so well with her husband calling every half an hour or so from 11:00 on, angry, frustrated and just not a happy camper. I need to be so much more grateful and thankful I have the man I have.....

This past Wednesday evening, we had another pretty bad rainstorm that knocked out the phone the entire day Thursday!!! It was horrible! Major blogging withdrawals.....sweating, coughing, headache and everything...oh no, wait...that was due to the cold I'm fighting off. With added Vitamin C and Echinacea, I'm at least holding my own today. (The headache today is probably due to lack of sleep... )

Anyway, we called the phone company and they are sending someone out to look at the lines today. The phone service was put in about 18 years ago. We've had problems ever since we moved in, so I am not looking forward to the results of the consultation..... Just for them to come out, it's $94.... So we've gone from getting our car back without having to pay (HOORAY!!!!! Another check for the blessings list), to having to pay for the phone lines to be repaired. Okay... it's not a complaint, only a frustration.....

Which reminds me...it's close to 10 and I'm still in my pj's... The repair guy might like the nightie, but I'd rather not risk possible further unpleantries between Honey and I. Not when hopefully things are better between us.

There's actually something brewing here in the Inner Fire, a long throught process that is taking me some time to work on and figure out... endless circles leading no where, but just perhaps somewhere if I look close enough. We'll see. For now, hopefully the phone box can be repaired quickly and later tonight I can come visiting.

Today is a bright sunny day in DownEast Maine! I do hope it is where you are, too!
Cheers! ~MacKenzie

November -Ella Warner Fisher
Dark clouds are driven across the sky
  As the mournful winds go fitfully by,
They whisper and wail through the branches bare,
  They fret and sting in the frosty air
And secrets they tell as they searching pass
  Where the leaves lie thick on the sodden grass.
In some vast amphitheatre, some awful height,
  The forces of air have gathered in might;
Adown the wild November sky,
  In solid phalanx their horsemen fly.
They have blotted the sun in the murk of night,
  I hear their carousel of mad delight,
Their hoofbeats against the window pane
As they drench the earth with sheets of rain.


Impression -Berniece L. Beane-Graham
Autumn wraps itself
Like a scarlet flame about my soul.
It seems a deep radiance
Of rustling leaves, of calm blue days
And shining nights that creep
On frosty hands
Across the darkness girdled by stars.
Autumn wraps itself
Like a scarlet flame about my soul!
Like a golden symphony,
It sings is way into my heart...


The Fires Within -Lelia S. Marstaller
The fires within burn high, burn low.
They flicker, burst forth, smolder again:
Yet ever they burn in my inmost soul
Though smothered under the toils of men.
With tired body and aching head
I am the fuel the fires burn,
For on need's alter I can but lay
The gift of a heart that can but yearn.


Vision of You- Lester Butterfield
This morning my eyes beheld a vision.
A vision such as that of a blindman, reborn.
For his first vision after darkness is immaculate.
My vision was much greater than his.
For I see, yet was privileged
  to see your face as a sunrise.