Rats! Forgot to mention....

I was looking over a few of my more...emotional posts from the past few days and realized in my attempt to get the thought out, I have made so many stupid spelling and typing errors.

I do apologize. It really takes away from reading to figure out... if an "on" actually means one? own? in? of? Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious? Bare with me plaese? <--that misspelling is on purpose, promise!

Update on the car situation: Monday when Honey called the dealer again, they told him that it was NOT supposed to be towed to Bangor but to a place in Ellsworth.... Honey was not happy.... But they said because it was their error, they would have it brought back to Ellsworth on their dime...or quarter...dollar... Consensus is, that if a wearable part caused the transmission to malfunction, we may have to pay a deductible, but the manufacturer's warranty will cover the rest. Honey said they were really going to have to prove that to him. He certainly does not mind fighting with them in regards to finances at the moment. Hopefully things will smooth out quickly and we will get the car back sometime before Saturday. Of course, we will have to find the time to go pick it up as Ellsworth is 45 minutes away... but I'm happy to do it to get it back!

Life is a little brighter, yes indeed!
Cheers! ~MacKenzie

Good morning, everyone! Tonight is the first parent/teacher's conference of the year. Honey is not coming with me because we could not find anyone to watch the girls for half an hour or so, but hey... I swear...I'm not complaining today...well, I'm doing my best not to anyway. Figure I did enough of that the past few days.....

It's sort of tough, because Pumpkin has decided that she can confide in Mom C. As long time readers know, Mom C (Honey's mom) and I don't always see eye to eye. It hurts that Pumpkin has made this decision, but I am glad she has someone to talk to. Mom C makes it a point to be the "Cool" grandmother and friend. Mom C is the one who has enriched Pumpkins love of horses by finding and taking her to horseback riding lessons, by getting the seasonal pool, by taking her off by herself without her sisters for special one on one time. (I wish that that time extended to the other two so I could have Pumpkin to myself every once in awhile, but unfortunately it has a way of not happening....such is life.) I do understand it. I've told Honey more than once that I wish I could have un-interrupted time alone with Pumpkin but when Parrot and Monkey see me doing something with Pumpkin, they want to be included too and I can't concentrate with Pumpkin if the other two are screaming in the living room. I have started from day one try and explain that I want to hear what is going on with her life, that I want to be there for her, that...well, you probably get the idea. I DO want to be the one she comes to, I want to be the mom AND the friend, but for whatever reason, Pumpkin has made this decision. And unfortunately, the MOM role has to come first, I am her only mom after all....

Some of what I'm hearing both from Mom C and from Pumpkin really is disturbing me and it's coming from school so I have to figure out to what extent I am going to address this tonight. First, what ever happened to girls and boys thinking the opposite sex was yucky until third or fourth grade or so? Where's the respite from the boy crazy stage? Isn't it supposed to come much, Much, MUCH later??? The kids in Pumpkin's class have COMPLETELY skipped this stage. A thought terrifying in itself. Mom C had Pumpkin and the girls from her grade over for a tea party and as girls chatter and talk as they do (we do, I should say) the subject turned to boys. Boy talk in grade 1. 1!!! And one of the girls commented on how at recess another boy in the class kissed her on the neck. WHAT! WHAT!!! Mom C replied, "Wow. That must have been gross." "Oh no. I rather liked it actually....." WHAT!!!! OMGoodness.

And supposedly there are boyfriend/girlfriend relationships going on. If Boy A declares that Girl A is his girlfriend, then Girl A isn't supposed to have dealings with Boy B,C,D or Boy A will become upset and yell at her and make her feel bad. Now, when asking Pumpking what is means to have "a boyfriend" she says it's a boy who's a friend. It is the right answer, but I will admit she uses quite the text book tone with her answer. Mom C tells me that Robert was her boyfriend for awhile. When Robert saw her talking to Dylan, Robert got mad and would not speak to her the rest of the day and even at one point told her to shut up. At Halloween, Dylan told her that she looked sexy in her Super girl outfit.

Sexy. Little girls are not supposed to look sexy. Cute, sweet, adorable, pretty are adjectives I would describe to little girls. So the other night when she tried on a new outfit, wow, don't I look sexy she says. "Ummmmm....Pumpkin? What do you think sexy means?" Sort of like a ultra cool was her reply. I attempted to gently explain that sexy was a term to be applied to grown women and that pretty, cute, and some of those others were more than appropriate to describe girls her age.

I understand to some extent the curiosity in the opposite sex. But kissing? Sexy? The other girl LIKED IT? A six year old thinks it feels good to be kissed on the neck.... I feel way in over my head. I thought I had more time with this stuff. I was hoping to read a few books about children developing relationships with the opposite sex as they grew up. Stuff like that or something!!!! Actually there's the rumor around town that in another school, two 5th graders were caught with their pants down...literally..... It's not confirmed by any reliable source so I can't freak out even though I may wish to. (Honey has though...he's already decreed no dating until 18 and is shining his shotgun to a lusterous sheen in readiness as he plans to sit out on the door step with it in full protect the female mode.....:) )

Oh! And then there's the kid who decided to bring in his parents cigarettes. First grade. I just can't believe that this is happening in first grade. And this is one of the better schools in the district. So yeah, I'm going to be doing a bit of talking tonight. I'm not sure how much could be accomplished, but at least the teacher will hopefully have a better idea of what's going on, even though a parent can only hope that a teacher already does have a good idea of what's going on.....

So Seasoned Mothers, Seasoned Fathers, at what age did your child become interested in the opposite sex and how did you handle it? Inquiring minds REALLY want to know....

Cheers! ~MacKenzie

I actually started writing this post a few weeks ago. I just never finished it and after I wrote bits and pieces of it, it was enough to let those thoughts go for the moment. However, I suppose that although it may be a gone, but not forgotten deal because I think perhaps they've been lingering around..... In many ways I'd rather bury it than deal with it because it's sort of like a self-contained pity party. And who really wants to deal with that anyway?!?

The past week or two I've felt the desire to become numb to everything going on, everything around me. It's sort of like fibbing to myself saying that I'm dealing with life in my own way, but when I step outside to reflect on what's going on I have to wonder where the lies to myself begin and end. It seems a little blurry there....

Sometimes I find that I just want to crawl inside myself and stay awhile. Sometimes when life feels to be getting "too much", when problems are one to many, when the demands and responsibiliites start reeking too much havoc, I go on auto pilot. It's AMAZING how one can float along by on auto pilot and no one ever knows! You can be screaming, crying, demanding, desperate, but as long as that lever is engaged, it's hard for anyone to figure it out. Learned defense mechanism from over the years? hummm.... perhaps... because apparently I'm pretty good at it...

For me, I guess it's sad, actually. I have to stop and wonder how often I slip into auto-pilot with out even realizing it. I've been told before that I'm rather an aloof individual. I have been told before that I make it a point to separate and keep that distance from others. Know what? I really hate the word "aloof".... what a dumb sounding word..... I don't really want to be that way. I would so rather be considered quirky, witty, friendly and personable.

No one, not family and friends who see me every day, whom I hug, whom I share with, whom I love with devotion can look into my eyes and see the dullness, void of emotion, emptiness. Isn't that a depressing thought? No one seems to be able to tell the difference whether the auto pilot is running the show or not? But it's one that I care not to figure out right now. It's there, but I've got too many other things floating around in here to figure that one out right now.

Sometimes I just want to hibernate. Sometimes I just want to float around in nothingness--to see all the feelings and emotions, the tasks I have to do, things I have to do and not feel any of it at all. See, now looking at it here, on the screen in front of me, it seems like I want to run away. Yes, and no. Yes, for obvious reasons of not wanted to deal with it all, no, because no matter how much running I would or could try to do, there it would all be when I'm panting, out of breath, when I can't run anymore.

So, am I sane having insanity moments, or am I insane having moments of sanity? Wow...when the sub conscious takes over you really never know what's going to come on out to play.

I think one of the reasons I do like to blog so much is because of these moments. You don't have to pretend. There's the thought that on the computer/internet you can invent yourself. You can be anyone and anything you want. You can lie, be deceitful, be syrupy sweet, be the exact opposite of who you are. You can wear any mask you choose. However, I find that if I were to look deeply, people are probably right; I probably tend to wear a mask when I enter real life. Coming home on the Inner Fire, that's where I can loosen the strings, let all pretenses fall away, disengage the auto-pilot and just be....me.

For me, writing is a little like meditating. I have to sit and start to think about the words that flow through the mind through the body toward the fingers. Sometimes it is just a random thought that leads to another random thought that suddenly links to something else that you never even connected with, until boom...all of these things front of you make some sort of jumbled sense. Some strange chaotic order. Suddenly you discover and learn more about yourself that you a) didn't realize was there, b) didn't fully comprehend the importance you actually placed on it, c)realize that somethings you placed so much emphasis and energy on are really quite mundane in the long run.

Does this solve any of my current problems? Well, absolutely not. I haven't come any closer to figuring out this current mess I call my life. But somewhere, somehow, in the writing of this, some of the anger, some of the frustration, some of the "I cannot do this anymore" is gone and replaced by....I would say..a spot of tranquility. How interesting our minds and emotions work......

May you find your on blog tranquility.......

Sincerely ~MacKenzie

See this?
Let me make sure you understand..

Well, what a hell of a week this turned out to be. Halloween, obviously was the highlight of the week. The girls were so much fun. We were out trick or treating for over an hour (the longest we've ever been) because the girls had so much fun. Actually, Parrot make one woman nearly cry... We stopped at one of my mother's friends house, well more of an acquaintance actually, but she and her husband both have always been very nice to Honey and I... anyway, she invited us in for a minute and of course knelt down to give the girls their bag full of candy and turned to talk with us when suddenly Parrot walked over to her and handed her a different piece of candy from her bag with a shy little, "Here...." It was so very sweet and the woman said that in all her years of teaching, in all the Halloweens that she's enjoyed, NEVER had ANY child ever given her back a piece of candy. Ah, to have to choke back the proud tears of a parent while watching the woman so touched...... So, that was good. Very good.

I will say that the candy is causing a bit of havoc with little Parrot though because almost all of it either has peanuts in it (we do a Candy exchange...yes, I bought peanut free candy to keep it fair) or has been processed on machine that processes peanuts/peanut products, or may contain traces of peanuts. Well, we were lax on the ones that involved processed on the machine that processed peanuts and we've noticed an itchy rash developing on her lower back. Poor sweetie, but we're keeping benedryl cream on it to help her feel more comfortable.

It did take a little to unwind from the 31st. Basically, the 31st is the start of months of holidays with the warmth of family gatherings, closeness and well, all that other stuff. Everything changed 8 years ago. Now, there's always someone missing, always something not quite right, there's always a hole and a knowing that Zachary should be with us, but is not. Sometimes it feels as if I'm the only one who remembers; I know I'm not, but sometimes I feel I have to work extra hard to insure he's remembered, if only by me.

And I had to spend some more time sorting out feelings in regards to this whole house thing, financial thing, trying to put it in perspective. And it's been quite the journey so far....

Here's the brief recap...January of this year, we started saving once again for the down payment for our house. Okay. This this summer the van Honey was driving broke down causing up to....yes, take all that we had saved for a house and put it towards the down payment and the registration of a new car, causing even more steps backwards when the first half way decent possiblity of a house came to light. Because since then, we've been looking around. There's not a whole heck of a lot going on in a decent house in a decent location around here these days.....

Meanwhile, we've also been thinking about how to make ends meet for the upcoming gift giving season! Honey applied to work night shifts at two local wreath factories, but he learned that they aren't doing night shifts anymore. So, he applied to one that's 45 minutes away. It's a fortunate but unfortunate thing that they have not called him back. I'd hate to think of him travelling home late at night tired, worn out, etc. especially on possibly slippery roads.

But last night, we got some GOOD news. We've been trying to clean up the yard, trying to "spruce" up the place and we've been trying since this Spring to get rid of the old bus/chicken coop. Last night we got a phone call from a neighbor asking if it was still for sale and agreeing on a price, he came down and paid us and will be taking the bus in December !!! YES!!!! We were thrilled!!! Both of us thought, okay.... we're set for the girls for Christmas and the rest will fall into place.

Tonight, Honey had to run some errands in a town about 45 minutes away. He was going through Blacks Woods (he was past Catherine's Hill though.... ) when suddenly he LOST the transmission for the blasted car!!!! Can you bloody believe that?!? Just unreal.... So Papa volunteered to go and get him. The car has to be towed up to Bangor for a job that big and Papa told Honey to use his Triple A card for the tow. That was nice anyway! The warranty on the car is now iffy too. It was a 2 month, 2000 mile warranty. Well, we've had it less than two months, but it has more than 3000 miles on it already. (Yes, Honey does a LOT of driving.....) But the car itself only has 31,000 miles or so on it. Chris called the dealer and said that there had to be some sort of manufacturer's warranty on the thing so they will look into it. How much would you like to bet that the cost of fixing the car will be the money we got last night???

So yeah, it's been a weird, frustrating week.....
Cheers ~MacKenzie

Good Morning, Everyone! Happy Halloween!
Energy runs high here in the MacKenzie household today as the twinadoes know tonight is the night for tricks or treats.

I just have to try and stay focused today so all will go well. It's Honey's fault actually...... This morning after getting Pumpkin ready to go, I grabbed his work shirt and threw it on so I could get the girls out to the van. (when frost covers the windshield, it's time to start layering!) All the way to school and back, I could smell the ocean, fresh cut lumber and that unique scent that is all Honey's own mingling around me. Oh, my, my my.... not fair! When it's right, it's right, ya know? There's nothing better in the world than to give in to the desire for the one who you've given a life commitment to and to have them return your gift in the manner received.


So....with the looming night upon us, I decided that maybe my blog page needed a little ...something.....

The word "Gargoyle" shares a common root with the word "Gargle"; which comes from "gargouille", an French word for "Throat". A true gargoyle is a waterspout. The word “gargoyle” is also a derivative from the Latin word, “gurgulio”, which had a double meaning, “throat”, and the “gurgling” sound water makes as it passes through a gargoyle. A carved creature that does not serve the purpose of a drain pipe is frequently referred to as a "Grotesque". legend has it, that a fierce dragon named La Gargouille described as having a long, reptilian neck, a slender snout and membranous wings lived in a cave near the river Seine. The dragon caused much fear and destruction with its fiery breath, spouting water and the devouring of ships and men. Each year, the residents of Rouen would placate Gargouille with an offering of a victim, usually a criminal, though it was said the dragon preferred maidens. Around 600, the village was saved by St. Romanis, who promised to deal with the dragon if the townspeople agreed to be baptized and to build a church. Romanus subdued the dragon by making the sign of the cross and then led the now docile beast back to town on a leash made from his priest's robe. La Gargouille was then burned at the stake, it is said that his head and neck were so well tempered by the heat of his fiery breath, that they would not burn. These remnants were then mounted on the town wall and became the model for gargoyles for centuries to come.

The Gargoyle Myth and how gargoyles drive off evil:

#1 They can stand guard and ward off unwanted spirits and other creatures.
#2 If they're hideous and frightening they can scare off all sorts of things.
#3 They come alive at night when everyone's asleep (and you can't see them to prove that they don't) so they can protect you when you're vulnerable.
#4 Better still, the ones with wings can fly round the whole area and cover the village or town as well as the church. (And if someone does see something, who's to say whether it was just a bat or one of the gargoyles on the wing?)
#5 They return to their places when the sun comes up (and no-one can prove that they weren't out and about, and no-one respectable who rises and sets with the sun is going to be mistaken by them for an enemy and be dealt with).

My little friend here is just going to stick around for a bit to protect the place.....


I had actually forgotten how much FUN is it to prepare for Halloween! Last night Honey and I did "trial" runs with our costumes so we could concentrate fully on the girls tonight. Originally we hadn't planned to dressing up this year because of financial reasons. However, when the girls began to get so excited and we learned that MereMere and Papa (their names for Mom and Papa) were dressing up and hearing their little, "What are YOU going to be for Halloween???" caused us to cave. Pumpkin is going as Super Girl. Now, she's never even seen the cartoon, but that's what she chose and wow...she looks awesome! Monkey is going as Scooby Doo and little girly girl Parrot Gigglepuss (as we're sometimes referring to her as now) is Daphne.

Honey decided to dress as Shaggy. He searched everywhere for a Shaggy wig, but couldn't find one. Last night he showed me what he found. He walked into the bedroom where I was finishing the butterfly necklace I was making in this long flowing 60's style wig with the bangs and little bow above the bangs, the part in the middle, the amount of "big hair" this wig had was amazing! He demanded a kiss, but I was lauging too hard to oblige him. Eventually, after I stopped the bursts of giggles, I put the wig on so he could start to trim it. However when he cut off one of my curls (Opps!!! Well, actually he was more upset about it than I), he shooed me out of the bathroom. The final effect is awesome. "Shaggy" looks scared!!!! It's so funny!

I would have gone as Velma, but I KNEW instinctively that it would make Pumpkin feel left out. So, while digging around ebay for a bit, I came across an auction for butterfly wings..... hummmmm..... That could work! So, beads for the butterfly necklace, lace and velvet sleeves (you know....sort of like gloves that don't cover the hand that go from the wrist to above your elbows...the lace wraps around the wrist and flows over the hand... definitely worth the money....they are awesome!), ribbons for my hair, and a bunch of temporary butterfly tatoos (so cool, now I want a real one even more!) later, my costume is going to work out nicely. Actually, last night after trying it on, I asked Honey if I was missing anything... The look in his eyes and his little whisper into my ear caused me to think..mission accomplished....

So this early afternoon, it's a race to clean up the house before the chaos of tonight, then pick up Pumpkin from school, run to the store and get items to make munchies for tonight, make the munchies, start to get myself ready, wait for Honey to come home, finish getting every one ready, go trick or treating (first stop is Mom and Papa's for the trial trick or treat run and drop off the munchies), go trick or treating with the girls, return to Mom and Papas for a munchies and a meal and then finally home.....

Busy, busy, BUSY!!!!!!

and FUN!!!!!

Happy Halloween!!! Cheers! ~MacKenzie