At this point, I don't think I'm processing all of this very well. It's amazing how things can change in just the last five hours. Around 6 or so, I wrote probably the worst, nastiness blog post I could ever imagine. Let's say it was not good and I am glad I did not post it. No one would probably have returned to this blog ever again. I would have regretted that one, especially had someone read it.

Honey got home from work a little late. Yes, Papa called about that house today. Papa was able to make an appointment to go into the house and take a look around today: 4 bedrooms (perfect for us), comfortable sized living spaced downstairs, the place is in great move in condition (good when having 2 three year olds running around). It is owned by vacationers who have had to put it up for sale for financial reasons. They want to get rid of it! It is appraised at $165,000. The going price right now is $139,000. Oh my!!!! Yes, it sounds good. Sounds great actually. If we were to line our ducks in a row, we could probably get into that house. It would take a little time, however.

It just so happens that we learned that someone else is interested in the house. Their ducks are better aligned than ours. Apparently, Mom's children's program has out grown its space. It seems that Mom and Papa have decided that the house would be ideal to turn into office space and learning skills area for their children's program. They are planning to buy the house.



I have to admit, I did not take the information very well. Honey told them upfront on Sunday of our interest. Honey wasn't too fond of them at the moment, either. He told them we just needed a little time to to get things together as we were planning on spending another winter here. Mom informed him that we were being naive to think we could afford it and we weren't ready. They were in a better position and had better ideas for it and were probably going to pursue it. (I don't need to go through the emotion buttons again, do I? naw...didn't think so....) But I will say, are we 14 again? You will do this, you cannot do that.. you intelligence is lacking???? Oh my....

I'm at the point where I have tried to step back, tried to look at things logically. However, I'm completely divided. Half of me wants to rage and scream and have the biggest temper tamtrum this side the Eastern US has EVER seen. I cannot tell you the anger and hurt that swirls around in my head. And the thing is, I would love to give in to it, to march my little be-hind over there and yell till their chimney comes crashing down. What gives them the right to put us down? To just grab the rug (as small as it is) out from under our feet? Why not give us a chance? They know how much we want out of here. They know we have been looking for a few years now. What happened to support and encouragement? Why not just cut out a hunk of heart while they are at it..... It's nice to be believed in and to not have that support from them really hurts. Mom has stated before that our time to get a house has come and gone and we failed. Ouch. Not a good feeling. They helped Little Brother purchase a house when he was going through his divorce, but no help is coming here. Double ouch. And this is family....

The other side is says just let it go. There is no sense of causing waves; what is going to happen is going to happen. Part of me says I'm looking at the situation through anger and hurt. Part of me says maybe it isn't the right house. (well, that's gotta be true if it sells within the next month or so now anyway, isn't it...) Part of me says they are so focused on what they want, they don't even realize that they are hurting us. Perhaps when they go out and buy new shoes and seasonal clothing and the like for the girls, that is their way of helping out? It is a help, but we've never asked them to do it.... and in this instance when we have only asked for time, the answer: no.

I admit that once we did not pursue the house up for auction this past summer, I felt as if we were going to be stuck here for the rest of our life. I bought in to the "our time to get a house has passed" routine. The past few months, I have always made sure our current bills are paid, but I've been lax in saving for the down payment. What good is it to save if the tunnel just keeps getting darker and darker with no light ahead? Is the Divine trying to show a life lesson here? You've gotta prepare before the miracles can happen (because I swear at this point, it feels like it will take a miracle to get a house....). Perhaps this is a wake up call? Goodness, but I don't know. We have searched and searched and searched for "the one" and it doesn't seem to be there.

Oh, and the better part. Mom calls tonight. Papa is taking her to see the house tomorrow and she knows I can't come with the girls, but where Honey liked it, he's invited to come along as I guess there was a tentative arrangement for him and Papa to see it Thursday anyway..... She acted as if nothing were wrong, nothing had happened. Everything is fine in her own little world. yeah...she's getting what she wants, why wouldn't she?? (sorry...obviously there's still some hostility leaking through the masonery....)

So, I guess I just put it into the Divine's hands as far as that house, a house, the darkness in the tunnel goes. Of course, after trying this method for the past 5 years with no forward motion, it's wearing me down. If this is a test of patience, it's got me to the point where I just want to scream.....

Gotta look on the bright side.... I can still play my music as absolutely loud as I want, I still have my woods and all the pleasure it gives me, my wildlife adventures, a beautiful starry sky to gaze at in pitch blackness, a roof over my head and a family to share it with. AND, also, we have more knowledge now than 24 hours ago where we are towards advancing our neverending goal. At least it's something....

Do hope, however that your afternoon was better than mine.....
~MacKenzie

That's right. I said it. Tonight Honey is about as evil as they come. Of course you DO have to hear why I have come to this conclusion!

Well... yesterday, he says that he wants to show me something. So he piles us all in the car and off we go. (do you recognize the pattern? I've mentioned this before in the past....) Anyway...long story short: A beautiful colonial house in the centre of town has come up for sale. Slightly over an acre of land. Gorgeous back yard, two car garage, looks in pretty good shape. His mind is working a mile a minute thinking that this could be "the one." no, nO, NO! Don't even think about leading me down this path again! He says it's possible. Somehow he knows. If we can get things into place by March he says by late spring, we could own a house. But, but....oh man! He can't get me excited. A house. Sanctuary. A place to call our own where we can have all of my books back, all the little things I've had to pack away to make more room here. Space. A real home, not just a "tin box". We did some budgeting. Gosh, if we did things better we could probably get a Rural development loan as well as Maine State housing finances and we could afford a house payment. It's coming up with all the upfront fees that's a huge drawback right now. But Honey says there's services to help out with that, too, if our finances are right. He should not have the right to do this to me..to add hope, possibility.

He walked around the outside. He said he even thought the chimney in the ell of the house appeared to work. A fireplace or wood stove, he reminded me, tempted me. See how evil he is!!!! He's planning to find out more information. Actually, Papa thought the house was pretty neat too and will call tomorrow to ask for info.

So now, I have to pull myself back. I'm tired of getting excited only to have to add to my "no go" list. Things wrong with the place? It is in the middle of the village. People would be on either side of us and across the street for us. (OMGosh though, we'd have trick or treaters again!!! wouldn't that be cool!!!! ) I may not be able to play my music as loud as I wish for fear of disturbing others. The back yard is perfect and surrounded by tall trees, but it isn't the woods.... (of course, there's less chance by getting hit with a bullet during hunting season as well...and the girls could actually play in the back yard during hunting season in the village.....) With no woods surrounding us, there's less encounters with deer, owls, birds, moose, and other creatures that are so fun to watch. (How many people have had to chase an ermine through their house before??? Adventure!!!) The woods are special to me with the scent they give off, the sound of the wind blowing through their branches. It's calming to me. Of course, I could always drive down here. It isn't like I would never have the opportunity again to do so. And surely there's wind everywhere!?! With street lights, the stars may be less visible. Now that's a problem. However, when I lived in the neighboring town complete with street lights, I could still see the stars... and the town dock is within walking distance. I could hear the water better and watch the stars....

Oh crap! Well, this rumination isn't helping at all! I cannot get excited again. I cannot, I cannot, I cannot. Oh good grief!
Cheers! ~MacKenzie

Bequeathed- by Frances Wright Turner

 Ages ago a lady died.

To the tall white birch

At her green grave’s side,

She gave her white body

With no one knowing

And her long dark hair

For it’s green leaves growing. 

 

To that singing bird

On the stone at her feet,

She gave her voice

All clear, all sweet. 

The light in her eyes,

That danced for a lover,

She laughing gave to the

Stars above her,

And the fragrance

Of  her breath she gave

To the roses tangled

Over her grave. 

 
Now you will know

Where you can find her,

The arms of the grave

No longer bind her. 

 
She gave all this

With no one knowing—

This long dead lady

With her dark hair flowing.

 

 

 

The Encounter- by Bettie Margot Cassie

 
I met Life on a lonely road

One fair and placid day,

And she was all for walking by

With her face turned away. 

 
But boldly I accosted her

And made her look at me,

A glamorous lass with sad brown eyes

And a wry mouth was she.

 
“If it’s the time of day you want,

I have no time,” she said.

“The price for your detaining me

Will be upon your head.” 

 
But I was young and I was brave

And Life a comely lass;

Undaunted I held fast her hand

And would not let her pass.

 
“Dear Life,” I said, “O Life,” I cried,

And her eyes looked me through;

Confused, I instantly confessed,

“I am in love with you!”

 
She pressed my hand within her own,

“I’m sorry sir,” she said,

“But I cannot keep my lovers

From bedding with the dead.” 

 

Haunted House- Author Unknown

There's a house upon the hilltop 

we will not go inside,

For that is where the witches live,

Where ghosts and goblins hide.

Tonight they have their party,

All the lights are burning bright,

But oh we will not go inside the 

haunted house tonight.

The demons there are whirling 

and the spirits swirl about.

They sing their songs to Halloween.

"Come join the fun," they shout.

But we do not want to go there, 

so we run with all our might

And oh we will not go inside 

the haunted house tonight.

                                                                                  

The late afternoon sun was hidden behind dark stormy clouds.  The cold hard wind drove the rain down on the mountain side.  Had there been someone watching, they would have seen the couple, clinging to each other, the man leaning on his wife, favoring his right leg and she, desperate to find him some help.  Finally, seeing possible shelter, they made their way through the wet slippery forest floor towards the rocky mountain side that poked up through the woods.  It wasn’t exactly a cave, but the rocky ledge jetted out forming protection from above and the underbrush along the farther side lent some protection from the wind and rain leaving the area closest to the rock dry at least. 

Stephen and Anna huddled down together in the small space.  They clung together instinctively, searching for warmth.  “I hope you don’t take this the wrong way,” Anna said in between the chattering of her teeth, “but I don’t think I ever want to go hiking again!” 

 Stephen laughed and pulled his wife closer.  “I can’t believe the weather turned so quickly.  I’m sure that as quickly as it turned bad is as quickly as it will turn back again.  I’ve been hiking in these mountains for so many years, we’ll be fine.  You can wipe the worried look off your face.”  Elaine glanced up at him.  If there was nothing to worry about, then why the strained expression on his face, why the worried look in his eye?, she wondered to herself.  She snuggled closer and shivered.   

 “How does your knee feel?” she asked. 

 “I can’t believe I went down like that,” he grumbled.  “You’d think I would have learned a long time ago to avoid falling on it after I broke it all those years ago.” 

“I’m sorry that you hurt it again.” 

 “Sorry?  Why are you sorry?  Did you do it?  No!  Actually I’m the one who’s sorry.  I’m sorry that we aren’t home naked in front of a roaring fire….” 

“Stephen!” she exclaimed and then laughed as she reached up to kiss his cheek.  He turned his head and caught her lips.  He felt good and tasted good, and when she eventually broke the kiss, she said, “Yeah…I guess you’re right.  You should be sorry.” 

“Actually, we should get rid of some of these wet clothes.  Our jackets are in my back pack.  There’s an emergency blanket in the first aide kit as well.”  Stephen shifted around and grabbed the pack.

 Soon they were warmer than they had been for the past few hours.  They had buttoned both of their light weight jackets together in a make shift sleeping bag, and wrapped the blanket around their legs as best they could.  With the sun now down, the air had grown colder.  He pulled her closer to him, her back to his chest and wrapped his arms tighter around her.  She felt so cold.  He rubbed her arm back and forth, trying to will the heat back into them.  Please, please dear God, don’t take her away from me, he pleaded. 

 Anna felt the tension in him.  She tried to move closer to him, tried to give him comfort.  At the same moment she prayed, Please, please Lord, don’t let me loose him. 

 As the night wore on they talked only of happy times.  They talked about how they met, what they did on their first date. of how they were going to decorate their dream home.  Even when they mumbled, even when they didn’t make much sense any more they continued to hold on to each other, needing each others presence.  Eventually they stopped shivering; eventually the cold didn’t even seem to bother them any more.  She tried to keep her eyes open, but she just couldn’t seem to do it. 

 Stephen shook her a little.  “Anna, you should stay awake, sweetie.  There are people probably looking for us and it will be morning soon.” 

 “Just for a few minutes, Stephen.  I just have to close my eyes for a few minutes.  You’ll stay with me, won’t you.  Please?  And hold me.” 

 “You don’t even half to ask.  You know I will.” 

 Her eyes were closed, and Anna’s voice sounded far off.  “Stephen?  I love you.” 

 Surely a few minutes of sleep couldn’t hurt.  He kissed her hair and snuggled down as close as he could get to her.  “I love you, too, Anna.”  And then he closed his eyes. 

 No one was there to feel their last heart beat.  No one would hear the last breath taken in, and then out for the final time.  Only the hooting of an owl as wise and old as the earth itself, proclaimed their passing.  No one saw their souls lift from their bodies.  No one saw their surprise, their joy, their embrace.  No one saw their tears of happiness.  No one heard their exclamation of praise that their prayers had been answered.  No one saw as they walked on, hand in hand from this place. 

The Story of Catherine was my first experience with ghost stories. Mom and Dad never talked about ghosts or anything of the like when I was young. I am assuming that as religious as they were, they really didn't believe in ghosts. I really didn't feel comfortable talking about my feelings regarding ghosts with them, so I was pretty much alone in the dark... Well, I have to say, it really effected me.

In fact, that November I remember taking a Saturday and going shopping in Ellsworth and Bangor....and Mom always travelled, yes...through the Woods. So coming home late at night, Mom and Sis in the front seat, me in the back (ALL alone)...suddenly I realized where we were. And I heard Mom complaining of the fog. OH NO! Catherine was going to get me! I just knew it; I knew it! What could I do?

I came up with the best plan ever! There were several packages in the back seat so I hurried to pile them up on the entire seat, trying to cover every inch except my small little space. When everything was to my liking, I sat back, surveyed me work, and breathed a sigh of relief. You see, I decided that when Catherine tried to get in the car and sit down, there'd be no place for her so she'd just leave us alone. I had just saved myself and my family!!!!!

Cheers! ~MacKenzie