The house is so quiet tonight. It's a nice peaceful quiet, sort of a gift to the soul. The girls were really good today. I'm sort of doing a test with them. After Pumpkin gets home from school, they all go out to play and I come in the house and well, basically stare out the window at them making sure they are okay. It's a real quiet road and the main lawn where they play has a fence they would have to break through to get to the road. I'm actually more concerned they may chase after one of the cats as it scampers off into the woods. I'm not completely confident they won't take off or do something really unsafe, but tommorrow if the weather is all right, I might actually attempt to wash the dishes while standing, staring out the window. Will I let them play out there on their own without me right there with them or without Pumpkin's guidance, no....but I have to admit, I'm really proud of them so far for remembering the rules, even when they think I'm not looking.

I think tomorrow is going to be a good day!
Cheers! ~MacKenzie

After reading back my previous post, a thought occurred to me. I feel a little compelled to sort of write a follow up. I think/hope that those of you who have read my blog for quite awhile have a fair sense of the marital happiness between Honey and I. With that said, when I read back my last post, the fact that we had a miscommunication/tiff/difference of opinion/argument, what ever you’d like to call it, wasn’t the real focus of the post. I just wanted to clarify that. It happened, it sucked, we came back to neutral ground, it ended.

Sometimes when I write, I know the Inner Fire has something it wants to get out, something it wants to say. Sometimes it’s a matter of peeling the skin off an orange so to speak so you can get to the good stuff. Last night I had to get rid of interfering surface feelings to be able to find what I wanted to say. Unfortunately, it was an argument between Honey and I that was at the surface. We all have moments where our best doesn’t exactly shine. I just hope that the main point in my posting doesn’t get lost within the orange peel.

Cheers! ~MacKenzie

Oh my....is it that late/earling in the morning? Wow....what the heck am I still doing awake!!!? I'd tell you, but you'd probably think I was complaining, once again. Okay...so I'll tell you a bit...

Honey and his Best Friend went out for the evening, leaving BF's Wife and I back here to "hold down the fort." Well, we had the van, we could have gone out...but on a rainy day with younger kids, we opted to stick around here. When they got back, Wife (sorry sweetling, until you tell me what you'd rather be called, I will just stick to this, you know I don't do well with names...) and I were watching a program DVD. Apparently there were a couple of jackasses they ran into and it sort of got the better of Best Friend and his mood rubbed off on Honey. Well, although still in the middle of the program, after a bit, Honey gets up, walks up to the TV, pulls out the DVD we were watching and throws it on near by table and starts being an ass when I speak up asking what the hell? How rude and inconsiderate was that! He and Best Friend start ganging up on my saying if I really wanted to see rude, well.... No, I don't because they are doing a pretty good job of demonstrating it at the moment. Wife gets up and basically pulls Best Friend out the door with a whispered apology. Honey hasn't a clue as to why I'm upset. And it was just something that I could not let go. A simple, hey, you guys look tired, why don't you finish the DVD later, or could you guys call it a night or something other than just turning it off without so much a by the way, was just plain mean. And I know that if I did that to him, he'd be pissed. Will I just calm down? No...because my feelings were hurt and I'm not going to let him walk over them.

Finally, he agrees....yeah...he sees my point of view. I could be right...it was inconsiderate to have gone and done that but he felt that Best Friend was getting annoyed and he didn't want him to start arguing and waking the girls. In some ways, it was a bit of a poor excuse, but hey...he did apologize, it seemed sincere. And I do appreciate the apology. That's the end, or it should be. He went to bed and is sleeping soundly.

I'm here trying to calm down, ...still. I am actually almost there. The quiet music in the background is fine, but the candle buring beside me is much better. It's got sort of a fresh woodsy scent and I love just staring at it, watching the different colors that dance around inside the flame. It's quite calming.

In fact, it's been holding me together for the last few days. I've gone through a lot of candles this week. But that's okay because I did find some peace and a moment or two of clarity there. One of the life lessons my Dad tried to teach me was to play the cards life dealt me to the best of my ability, or however the saying goes. I know it's probably worded better, but such is my memory at the moment. I suppose I may have forgotten about that little lesson until somehow, it just magically popped into my head. So, okay Dad, I hear ya. I felt you and that little jab to start moving, start climbing the ladder again and if I find a few sharp rocks along the way, overcome and move on. One question that he didn't answer, however, is if he was such a strong part of my safety net, who's gonna catch me now if I fall again?

And I am reminded again of the bonds that connect us. I believe in those bonds, even though sometimes they go silent. I have to actually, or else I would have to wonder by my relationship with my son, if I were actually crazy. Just because they may not be here physically doesn't mean that there isn't some special bond of the heart, that bond of love.

Oh my goodness...I must really be getting tired after all. I suppose I may read this back tomorrow and wonder if I shouldn't edit some of this out. I have a feeling if Dad were to look over my shoulder, he might shrug and ask, Why? Remember the safety net issue Dad? Oh sure, silence once again. I guess he's going to leave that for me to figure out.....

May you all have warm thoughts from your loved ones both far and near and strong safety nets underneath you!
Cheers! ~MacKenzie

Domestic Poem by Eileen Moeller

nightfall I sink
into dishwash meditation
steaming china prayer wheels
crystalline bells of the lost horizon
crockery mandalas
chanting din and lull of running water
breathing slows
moist heat muscles soften
zen poems drip from silverware
my air humming out
in a cleasing melody
washing the frantic stew of a whole day
down the drain




It Was a Dream by Lucille Clifton

in which my greater self
rose up before me
accusing me of my life
with her extra finger
whirling in a grye of rage
at what my days had come to.
what,
i pleaded with her, could i do
oh what could i have done?
and she twisted her wild hair
and sparked her wild eyes
and screamed as long as
i could hear her
This.   This.   This.  



Surviving by Gail Tremblay

I dream of dancing naked under the stars,
the dew of grass dampening my ankles,
the moon, sensuous ancestor, calling
to my blood.  I dream the impossible
moment when tongues touch, try to forget
how much I've lost.  In these dark
moments, sensation wakes like an ancient
hunger that will never be satisfied.  Nothing
insulates me from memory.  The fire that fills
me with electric pulse, that makes my meat
long for that strange animal heat it once
possessed, desires even now when this graceless
body moves in fits and starts.  It is difficult
to forget the pleasure of running, the quick
pulse feeding my whole being so even skin
seemed too small, my breath rushing past ears
to meet wind in my hair.  Now there is no speed,
only the struggle of muscle working to cross
space, the deliberate choice to survive pain,
and the will to remember love is inescapable.


Prayer by Lisa Colt

May we reveal our abundance without shame.
May we peel back our sleeping wintery layers
like snakeskins, like the silk chrysalis,
like clothing cast off during love.
May we unravel with abandon like lover's knots
before knitting ourselves back to the heart. 
May we settle into our own rhythms as tides do-
within the borders of the moon's calling.
May the music of the souls
be accompanied by grand gestures
and the persistent clapping of hummingbird's wings.
May the milky fingers of the moon
reach down nightly to cherish and unveil us.
May we turn our bodies generously in its light
like tranquil fish glinting underwater,
like precious stones. 
When we open our mouths to sing
may the seasons pause in their long journey
to listen and applaud.


~~~

Can I run away? Please, someone tell me it's okay to just run...run hard and fast and escape. No? sigh...yeah...I didn't really think anyone would, but well, it was worth the try...

Life feels as if it's about to fall down on top of me. I've got a lot of "stuff" shoved inside at the moment. Lots of responsibilities, all lima beans and okra and fish eyes on my plate with no yummy carrots, or fruit, scallops or chocolate based dessert in sight. I fear I see mostly comments on others blogs rather than to actually be writing on mine in the near future.

It's all me. I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall but maybe I'm not banging it hard enough because nothing is shifting around enough in there for some clarity to break through. I feel at peace when I'm reading a book and when I'm on the Stream because you all are my escape at the moment. Thank you!!!!

I'm hoping that this will all turn out like one big puzzle and once I find that one really hard to find piece and be able to put it into place, the others will just fall in line right behind it. When I'm able to step away from reality (like now) I have that calm down period that's like sunshine to my soul. I don't like myself very much when the pressures of life return to me and I have to find a way of sort of bring the serenity of the Blog into the reality of my life without interrupting the magic that I find here. It probably should be a simple thing, but when you feel yourself drowning in quicksand, it's much easier to panic first and struggle before calming yourself and looking around for that branch, for a tool to use to start pulling yourself out.

I can fill two or three of my role fairly well and do okay with them. I can be genuinely happy and "play well with others" and have that fulfilling feeling that we all need from time to time. Add 2 more roles to that and I'm a bit out of my comfort level, but still able to function somewhat reasonably and constructively. But adding one or two more roles to fill, and I start to go into meltdown mode. It completely sucks and I wish so much that I could be like other people and take all this on and be fine with it. But, I'm not like other people. And I'm not fine with everything, but I'm so baffled as to what I'm supposed to toss by the way side right now.

Motherhood? Nope; obviously I can't do that one. Not only is it the duty and responsibility towards them I chose to take on when I got pregnant with them in the first place, but you just don't ignore your kids, especially when they are young and need you. So dropping out of mother hood is not an option.

How about work/working/the whole spectrum? Oh, now I really do hate work. Well, not work itself, but my current job pretty much stinks. However it brings in an income that we really need and more importantly it lets me stay home with the girls. And sometimes it can go smoothly. True, I really look forward to the day when they are 5 so that I have more time to devote to work, and that will make writing these reports so much easier then. To be concentrating on a though and be interrupted again and again really blows my thought process out of the water. And then I get frustrated and it's easier in work mode to start stressing. The State has decided that if these reports aren't written in a month and approved then the person could loose their funding if the waiver funding date approaches without this being done. Most of the reports are about 15 or so pages long. 7 of them is a narrative that I have to come up with and the rest are mostly forms. To give the individual a personal plan that describes them, their level of functioning, their skills, likes and dislikes, preferences when known, to describe their ways of communication because many are not verbal takes time. I know most people take the approved plan from last year, changes the dates, updates any issues and calls it good. I don't want that, but I may have to "go with the flow" to make ends meet at this point. If I lost this paycheck, we would be seriously in debt. I don't want that to happen to my family, so off to work I go! (but no whistling a happy tune like Snow White's dwarfs....)

Can I just dump the whole housemaid, cook, laundry person, "payer of the monthly bills"/financial planner, and all that stuff into one catagory? It takes a lot of time to fill this role. Mentally and emotionally it's not so bad. But cleaning up after a family of five takes physical energy and time. And where there's dust, mold, cat and other seasonal allergies to deal with, I feel like it puts more pressure on me to keep this place clean. Not as much attention as I would like goes to this role, making me feel guilty at times when one of the girls starts sneezing and coughing, etc because I feel like I should be doing better with the house cleaning, etc. And I swear, Honey could live in a barn/pig sty and not be bothered by it at all. It's taken me 13 years to finally get him to just put him damn dirty socks into the laundry. And that's because the girls made a big deal of it!!!! He came home once to find me on the phone with work and the girls had found his dirty sock and were putting them on. He didn't like that so now, into the hamper they go. He feels the responsibility of the house falls on my shoulders because he is out of the house so much. I remind him that he is an adult and does live here, too, but it doens't help very much.....

Which brings me to the whole wife/lover/"mother of his children"/companion, etc, etc role. Let's just say that right now there are issues there, good and bad and sometimes I absolutely love the role, sometimes, well...sometimes it requires work..... I would hate to give this role up but at times it does go on the back burner, unfortunately. And where my emotions are so tied up in this role, it can make or break me.

The family role. You know this one. We all have certain responsibilities to our parents, siblings, extended family. Right now my grandmother is not in good health. Mom really feels the burden of caring for her mother and running the household. Mom needs to get away sometimes. She needs things from me that I sometimes I can't give her. I promised my dad that I would be there for her, that I would help her, I would do right by her, because in the past Mom and I are like night and day. I don't feel like I'm doing well on that promise that I made 13 years ago.

And there's the litte voice deep down inside...What about me? Yes, dear soul, I hear you too, I just don't always have the ..the what? the strength? the energy? the time? the patience? the fortitude...
And again, as in this post, I know, I see you...you are at the end, once again.

I have to keep believing that all of this "Stuff", the pressures, the where the hell do I go from here feelings, the constant making of mistakes, the stress, the unbalance is worth it in the end. Someday I pray I will be able to sit back and meditate over this period of time and say yes...right there...that is why I went through that so I could come to this. Does it happen? Will it happen? One can only hope.

And look at that, a simple quick note on my blog has turned into 2 1/2 hours of writing (of course, there have been several breaks inbetween). But it's not working on any of these other roles, the work, mommy mode, housekeeper duties that I need to get to. Part of me says that I've been wasting time, procrastinating from these role...the other part says...thank Divine we were able to scratch the surface a little bit of the boiling cauldron....

Later, Sweetlings, and a big, huge....thank you!
Cheers! ~MacKenzie