So much to do, so much to say, so little time in which to try and accomplish it. What a week! Let me catch you up and then if I have time, I'll try to extract some of these thoughts that are swirling through my head and try to put them onto my blog.

First, it was rather fun to try out the ....new car! Yes, we did it. We bought a cute little 2004 Pontiac Grand Am. It actually reminds me of three of our other cars rolled into one. It's a sweet little ride, although Honey's best friend and I are having a great time teasing him about the car. I don't know what the designer of the car was thinking, but if you are outside and looking straight at it, the dashboard has these two big humps right above the steering wheel and there are three smaller ones off to the side. Well, Best Friend was lauging because he was joking around saying it looked like be-hind cheeks. To quote Best friend...What does your vehicle say about you? Why, you're an ass! And it was taken in the humor given. A bit later, I called Best Friend over and while looking at the car told Best Friend that I thought he was mistaken. There was just enough of a valley between the "twin peaks" that it wasn't a be-hind, Honey's car has a nice set of breasts on the dashboard. I further told Honey that if he played with his car's boobs more than mine, he was in serious trouble! Thus the nickname for his car..the Boobmobile. If you happen to see a car like his around, then you'll know what I mean....

Unfortunately, with that second car payment, there goes the savings for our new house. (she writes sniffling and wiping a tear away) It's definitely going to be another really tough Christmas this year. And saving for a house? It seems to be a bit of a joke now. It's on the back burner once again and the dream seems to be fading into the darkness. Feeling sorry for myself? Yeah, probably. I just can't put it into words how much I want out of this rotten place and into our own home, a REAL home. The walls of this place feel like they are closing in quickly. But on a positive note, we are out of the doghouse with the family. Having a second car means that I got the van back and there's no bothering the family to take Pumpkin back and forth to school anymore. That's a nice thing....

Secondly, Honey interviewed for the new position that I believe I mentioned last week. He is high up on the candidate list. How do we know this? The Higher-up executive director for his section of the agency was talking with some other higher-ups and of course learned what was going on. He didn't like that very well. He went back and asked Honey's Supervisor on her last day there to try and convince Honey to stay where he was. She told Honey that Higher up was reluctant to let him leave and she suggested that if he didn't like his position, Honey should apply for her position. Honey had to chuckle because she works close to 70 hours a week and only gets paid for her normal 40. Plus he'd have to work more closely with Higher-up. To that he says NO Thank You! Higher up is one of those my way is the only way and you will do as I say type of guys.... He is extremely tough to work with. How much to you deny your soul if it says this way is the right way but your boss does not agree and when push comes to shove and it fails...guess who takes the blame? Certainly not the Higher-up....

Anyway, later that afternoon, one of the office personnel asked to speak with Honey. She said that "they" had learned about his applying for this other positiona and everyone felt that Energy Solutions (Honey's work division) would probably not survive without him there. What could they do to get him to stay? She told him that if it was the money as the other position paid more, then she had been authorized to match it. He said he would think about it and get back to her. He came home to me saying that he was probably going to stay right where he was. He would find a way to work with/around Higher-up. Well, I'm not exactly caring where he works at the moment as long as he's getting that pay check in.... So it will be interesting how it all plays out again.

If he stays, though, he'll be gone most of the month of October. For two weeks in October, he'll have to go through a training to become a licensed energy auditor (they find out how electricity and heat are flowing through your house and detect the weak points, etc. which is where Energy Solutions comes in because they focus on fixing the weak points...). Then, after that, there's another 4 day training for something I can't recall right off hand that he will also have to attend. I'm not really looking forward to that, but hey... what are you going to do? No sense fussing and stressing about it. I stress enough about other things!!!!!

So Mom C calls me up last night and asks if Honey can watch the girls because she wantes to talk to me about an interesting business venture in jewelry. She knows that I dabble in making jewelry so my thoughts were really wandering what exactly she was thinking. Well, when I spoke to her today, it was not at all what my imagination had come up with. It's throwing parties and showing off some company's jewelry and you get a certain percentage of all that you sell. She thought it would be really great for me to get into something like that. ME? the one who hates crowds? doesn't interact well with others on a face to face situation? the one who takes a long amount of time trying to answer a question because I want just the right wording, me the one who would rather be behind the scenes than in the spotlight. Me. Again, I believe her heart is in the right place. She said it gives me a chance to get out of the house, and to make money or at least find myself with some new fun jewelry out of the deal. She said it's time to start getting out more as I'm pretty home bound and have been for quite awhile. I just can't see ME doing some thing like that, although she wanted me to co-host a party with her to which I agreed. Why on earth did I agree? Why put myself in such a spot? Only the Divine knows because right now thinking about it, I certainly don't!

Well, that's all the time I have to share tonight, sweetlings. I have to get up early in the morning to get my janitor job done and over with because we may have company later in the afternoon. The last few nights I have not been able to sleep very well because a lot of "stuff" has been on my mind. Hopefully, more on that later.

Cheers! ~MacKenzie

Summer's Swan-song   by T.A. Daly

O!  have you seen Rogue Autumn?
He's hiding hereabout
To rob me of my green domain
And put my birds to rout. 
He's marshaling his army;
The skirmishers are out. 
"All's well!  All's well! " the katydids,
His nightly pickets, shout.

Rogue Autumn, bold pretender,
Conspiring with the sun,
Is working in the morning mists
That I may be undone.
Already through my fields and woods
The fires of treason run;
My myriad leaves are putting on
His colors one by one. 

Thy breath at night, Rogue Autumn,
Strikes chill upon my brow;
My crown uneasy rests upon
The head I soon must bow. 
Take thou they spoil!  But there will come
A mightier than thou,
Whose winds shall pierce and break thy heart,
As mine is breaking now!




Advice   by Ms. Denice DeLaurier

Stay peaceful. 
Don't let your life
drag you down. 
It's sad to be so busy
living,
that you never see
what life is. 
Slow down.
Just try it. 
   Stand in the sun.
   Taste the rain.
   Crunch the dust.
   Feel the wind.
   Enjoy!
   Dance, sing, run, laugh.

Don't get tied down to a life
where you run forever,
LIVE!!! 


~~~

Three years ago just about around this time in the morning, I was able to fully appreciate what my body had done. To have our twin girls safely in my arms instead of my tummy at last! After the family's visit, though, a very stubborn nurse came in and told me it was time to get up. Excuse me? The sooner I got up, the better. It's true...you really do feel as if your stomach and all the other organs around that area are going to fall out the incision. If she hadn't been so sweet and sympathetic (but very strong willed) I swear I would have hit her if I had had the energy. She was right. It was good that I got it over with. By the end of the second day in the hospital I still had a death grip around the pillow I braced around my stomach, but I was able to get up out of bed on my own without help. Anyway, I jumped ahead. Back to the first night....I had no misgivings about letting them sleep in the nursery that night because I was absolutely exhausted. Could I sleep though...no...I was in too much pain. Finally one of the nurses said enough was enough and gave me something that pretty much knocked me out. It was glorious!

The first week and a half back at home was absolute torture. I can not even describe it. First of all, we did try the whole twin sharing a crib. It worked fairly well during the day, but nighttime was real rough for them as well as for me. For one thing, I couldn't lay down. The stitches or my imagination or something told my brain that lying down was just not a good thing yet and I tried everything I could to get into that bed and sleep, but it wasn't happening. So I propped myself up on the couch. But I wasn't alone! During the first week and a half, Monkey slept in my arms and Parrot with her Daddy. That was the only way to keep them calm at night.

I remember after one really tough night, I saw the dawn out the window and I began to cry. Not just cry but bawl, howl, choking sobs that would not stop. Honey repeatedly asked me what was wrong and finally I said that dawn was here...we'd actually made it though another night. Somehow I didn't think it was going to arrive. Woe is the individual who does not understand the hormonal adjustments that a woman must face after the birth!!! Thank goodness Honey had experienced this with our other births. At the time I was pretty annoyed with him laughing at me, but obviously we survived.

I must admit, even now there are still moments when I'm waiting impatiently for the dawn to come. I knew it was going to be tough, but I had NO IDEA what was in store. After we got sort of a routine going, the first year wasn't so bad. Then the girls learned to move and I've had trouble ever since!


They are definitely their own individuals with separate likes and dislikes, personalities, ways of handling things. And to sit back and listen to them interact and play is amazing. Of course we're getting into the thick of the fighting stage and not sharing and hitting and everything else. That is tough. Many days I want to rip my hair out rather than deal with the situation. They are testing their limits and learning what's okay to do and what's not okay. Some days I seem to get through to them, other days, I just want to sit and curl up into a ball and cry. What are you really going to do though? Once they are here there is no turning back and you just have to hope and pray for the strength and wisdom to do what is right and necessary and hope you don't completely mess them up for life!

In times of frustration (such as one of them pooping on the porch and the other trying to best the first by pooing on the couch...), in times of anger (like when they say no to you, or completely ignore your request), or stare at you with that vacant but cute expression when you're trying to teach them something, or gang up on you pushing every button to see how far over the edge they can get you, or not letting you get a moment's peace when you so desperately need it, I have looked at Honey before and asked why? Why in heaven's name did we do this to ourselves? What were we THINKING!?!?

But if they weren't here, I wouldn't have this....






And how boring my life would be without their smiles, their antics, without them. I'll take all the other stuff for the memories, the pictures, the feeling they have imprinted on my heart.

To my adorable three year olds: Happy, Happy Birthday! May your coming year be filled with adventure and wonderful discoveries as you learn more about yourselves and the big world around you. Someday when you look back over the earlier years of your life, may you find that your daddy and I were always behind you giving you all the encouragement and support wrapped in love that you needed for then, for now, for always.

Sending out big pieces of cyber cake for all! ~MacKenzie

Wow. Again. My babies are turning three!!!! How the heck did that happen? Well, I will be the first to admit to you that there are days when I've looked at them and wondered to myself...aren't you 5 yet? Shouldn't you be going to school any time? But then when they are so, so, so sweet and cute and loving and adorable and are playing nice together and everything is going according to fairy tale plan, well.....how could I not want it to last forever.

I remember realizing when I thought I was pregnant. I waited a month or so, still no period, nothing and I did have that "ole pregnancy feeling" so I called my ob/gyn and set up an appointment. During my appointment she felt around my belly, confirmed that yes, I was indeed pregnant and ...to make me feel better because we hadn't heard the baby's heart beat that visit, she wanted an early ultrasound. Hummm... she hadn't done that with Zachary or Elizabeth...but hey...any chance to see the baby...why not?

The day we get there I was tired and grumpy having to drink so much and not being able to pee. (Ladies, aren't ultrasounds just horrid!!!! and then they press down! Shouldn't there be better technology yet!?) Anyway, after an initial review, the technician said that she had to call my ob. OH MY GOD!!! Not again because that's the exact same thing that was said to us at our first mis-carriage. So he sat, I laid there trying desperately not to pee my pants scared to death that something was wrong! And then, the technician calmly came back in and told us that while we were there we might as well take a few measurements, but we needed to take measurements not only for one baby but two!!! Thank Divine I was on the table because I probably would have fainted. Honey turned pretty pale.... And not a word was said between each of us the rest of the appointment.

In fact, we walked out to the car in silence. We drove almost all the way home in complete silence until finally Honey pulled into a gas station because he needed something to drink. We both sort of stared at each other in blank bewilderment when he asked if I was okay. I told him I thought so...was he? Yup...I think so...want something to drink? yep..... and for some reason, I really had to pee again too.

Over the next few weeks, I did lots and lots and LOTS of reading!!!! Oh, I swear I found every article about loosing one twin which could damage the other! The disappearing twin trick when something goes wrong and your body absorbs the "waste" as I re call the term, terrified me! disappearing twin! What the heck! And then preeclampsia, pregnancy diabetes, plactental abruptions, not to mention all the extra hormones and chemicals and side effects that were roaming around in there. Finally, I could not take it anymore. I was absolutely terrified I was somehow going to kill my twins. I took a long break from the internet because I knew if I got on....I'd go right back to the twins sites and would drive myself crazy!

I started focusing week by week. Okay, I told myself I was going to make it to the 28th week because by then, the babies stood a good chance of surviving on their own. Week 28 came and went and we were still going strong. I admit though it was at this point where I stopped sleeping. Oh my heavens. I could see my toes one day, and the next day, they were gone! I could NOT see past my belly the twinadoes just popped out there so fast!!!! Little Parrot, I could not feel move at all. I had to poke and really nudge her to get her to move. Monkey...a squirmer...no problems with her at all. So, I would make it to the 32nd week. There was now a 95% survival rate for preemies. Surely we could make it until then. So the lungs needed more time to develop. I would deal with seeing my lovies hooked up to machines. Please, cuties, please just hang on until then.

35th week? Okay doctor. Here's the deal... when are you getting these babies out of me! I swear there's two year olds inside me. I can't do this anymore!!!! Enough! Why, dear Lord, why must you torture me so. Man, I must have been so horribly rotten in another life to have this sort of karma. Not even the stars would help me out here. Oh my, my, my. And there the little darlings sat. 36th week. nothing. 37....38...nothing. Doctor...okay...if you don't do something soon, I swear I will cut them out myself!!!!! Want to know why...here's why..... look closely....


yes, that is me, but it's such as warped me. This picture was taken in the 40th, yes 40th week of my twin pregnancy. It took me 20 minutes I swear to waddle down our tiny little trailer hall to the bathroom. I could not do dishes because I could not reach the sink. Ditto with laundry. And, heaven forbid I should drop something into the floor!!! Thank goodness Pumpkin was with me to help pick up what I dropped! About the 35 week my feet, then ankles, slowly my legs right up to my knees began to swell. I even had water retention in my lower belly (how that was possible, I don't know, that's just what the dr. said that loose flabby skin was at the very bottom of my belly). Even my hands and neck felt swollen in the end.

As terrified I was of a c-section, on September 10, I was ready. I would do ANYTHING to be able to do anything again besides sit in front of the air conditioner during the hot, humid days August and September that year. I am so thankful for the excellent nurses and technicians. It was the thought of the spinal that terrified me the most. Yes, I had even read stories of the medication not setting in all the way so some women actually felt the knife. Oh, I was crazy with fear. But, Honey assured me that he was not going to let anything happen to me and everything would be okay. Trusting in everyone else was about all I could do at that point.

The first cries....to hear Monkey's first cry brought tears to my eyes. I couldn't see her quite yet, but there she was. I heard her and eventually, I got to see her, touch her for just a second before she was whisked away. Both the girls were breech, their heads towards my breasts and their feet dancing on my bladder. Parrot, though...once her sister was born, she practically somersaulted into position and was born head first instead of behind first. That was pretty cool to hear the dr's surprise. But she scared me. She was so quiet. She barely cried. But the sound was there, and that's what mattered to me. When it was time to sew my insides together again, they told Honey he had to leave. WHAT?!? I don't remember talking of this... I was pissed and felt as if I was going to panic to the point of feeling I had to throw up. The tech watching the monitors must have seen something because he inquired and he told me by holding on to some instrument, I'd be okay. He would make sure of it. And he was right. My grip on that thing was as tight as you couldn't believe, but I felt myself calming down with the little sensations I did feel, I was off to the recovery room. After I could feel my feet again, I was wheeled back down to the maternity ward. And the first thing I remember seeing, was Honey holding Monkey with one arm across his shoulder and the other arm stroking Parrot's face and shoulder. There are some things in life you just never forget. Seeing your love with your children for the first time... priceless. I don't need a camera for that one.

So my babies were born. The surgery was at 8:30 in the morning and we asked that the family not show up until around 2:00 to give us some time. I was even able to get a nap in when around 1 or so, Honey returns from a new daddy shopping trip for his girls (all three of us) and informs me that I had to ready myself soon because the family was hogging the waiting room. They had seen the girls through the nursery window and now, they wanted to hold their grand kids!!!!!

So here's Monkey....


she weighed in at 8 pounds, 8 ounces.... (gulp)
and little Parrot....

who was not so mean to her mommy at 6 pounds, 6 ounces. Oh..and yes.. my defiant little one is indeed giving you "the finger". :)
And of course, I have to show off the reaction of Pumpkin when she first saw her sisters.....




And with that, I will say good night and continue with my story tomorrow. My my goodness, my babies are officially 3!!

Cheers! ~MacKenzie

I don't know why, but sometimes it still amazes me how Honey and I can be instantly at complete odds with each other. Whether it's just plain circumstance, some strange external force, who knows, except sometimes we are not even in the same book let alone same page! And the fact that we can be fine one moment and the next be so seriously in a deep dark pit baffles my mind! He says it's my fault and I say it's his. Have you ever been petty just for the sake of ...well, being petty? Well, that's what we were doing to each other last night. He had it tough at work yesterday as he and his crew were replacing windows, blowing in insulation and building a new bulkhead door. He's been doing it all week. After three weeks of desk work/paper work stuff, to switch gears and be back doing some of the physical labor might be tough to step back into. He's tired and his arm and shoulder are aching again. So he's grumpy. Me, well, yesterday's blog showed a bit of my mood. For me it's much more emotional and mental stress. Trying to deal with writing a work report and having to stop and blow runny noses, arguments, them playing with the cats and getting too rough, bathroom accidents...yesterday was trying. I finally gave up and took them outside to try and run some energy off. It helped, but around supper time, they were sleepy and grumpy and I had planned to do some grocery shopping (I have not done a "formal" grocery shopping in a few weeks as Honey has had sole use of the van.) I was determined to get to the store. I went, took my time, I admit enjoying a bit of freedom and by the time I got home, he had been so annoyed at the girls he put them to bed. Tired and frustrated already, he then got ticked at the amount of money I spent and I got annoyed at him because he was frustrated with me...and the cycle continued. Towards the end of the evening, he gave the me the obligatory kiss on the lips and simple good night and went to bed. Well fine then! I was actually glad to have "the house" to myself again. This morning when he woke me up before leaving for work, everything was fine on his part again. It was as if nothing had happened last night. I woke up, saw him, and immediately remembered. But he went on his merry way with a smile on his face. At this point I can do nothing but shrug it off and chalk it up to just one of those things and hope that tonight it will be better. Sometimes we got "it"; sometimes, we don't (and man, do I hate it when we don't).....

Cheers! ~MacKenzie