Damn. I am really stuck. I have had a lot of things on my mind these past few days. Yesterday in my Word program I wrote a horrible post bitchin’ and complaining and was really just rotten. I’m glad that I didn’t get a chance to post it. Although the truth, it was a little dramatized and laced with anger and frustration. Saved once again, this instance by the lack of timing on my part to get it on my blog. (Thank you, Divine!)

Hello, proverbial stuck between a rock and a hard place. It’s me again. Be kind, won’t you?

 Here’s the deal… We still have only one vehicle! We haven’t found anything suitable from our searches. We are trying to go about this smartly and find a car that is going to be reliable and last us a long time, not some run down dump that is on it’s last wheel anyway (like we have been doing). Honey was approved for a car loan, but there was some clause that the car had to be a newer car (2001 and up) with less than 100,000 miles on it. That of course raised the monthly payments. We did find one that we liked, one that really fit what we were looking for, but the payments were $240 a month. OUCH! And of course, here’s the rub: Technically, we can afford the payment a month, but there are severe consequences. I have been trying each month to put aside at least $100 for our house and $100 in our new “Cushion account” to be used for example for: trips (like Rhode Island), for a rainy day, for unexpected expenses, for upcoming birthdays and Christmas. Well, we have just been on a trip and the twinados’ birthday is right around the corner. So, that fund is fairly depleted. I’m really nervous to not have anything to fall back on. What if something vital was to break and we had no way to replace it? Plus, with the upcoming heating season, who knows exactly what will happen? I envision us now shuffling around the house looking like colorful little snowmen dressed in our heavy wool socks, three bulky shirts, extra heavy underwear under our pants. Have you ever seen A Christmas Story with Ralphie… the statement from his little brother: “I can’t put my arms down!” (because he is so heavily dressed to walk to school) comes to mind.

And apparently, us asking for help from the family is causing friction. I don’t quite understand that because Mom C and Papa said they would be happy to help out with transportation. Honey told them the situation and at the time they seemed to understand saying they knew all about it because they had been in that situation at one point too. (School for Pumpkin started on Tuesday and because she does not go to the local school we are required to transport her back and forth) So Tuesday night when Mom C called me stating that she wanted the three girls to go to the dr’s and that tomorrow (which ended up being yesterday) was the only day she could take them so I needed to make arrangements to do so, I dealt with being told what to do. She’s only trying to look out for the girls and make sure that something as simple as a cold does not turn into something worse. But then, when she went on how Papa could not keep taking Pumpkin to school and how hard it was on him (after one day….), I got really pissed off…I mean really. I guess I still don’t understand after all this time how that family works. I can only relate back to mine. If you offer to do something, you don’t complain or make the people feel bad that they need your help. You either offer and do it, or you don’t offer to begin with. It’s a simple and straightforward as that. (okay…so I’m still ticked a little) I didn’t explode over the phone because she would have reacted and we would probably end up saying something we’d regret and well, I don’t want it to be awkward between us (more than it already is), especially with the girls around. Honey sure heard my thoughts, though. I appreciate him just letting me vent my frustrations. And when all was said and done, he made me laugh...yet another reason why I love him so.

So today, when Papa came to pick Pumpkin up for school, I asked for a little bit of financial advice. Do we take on a car payment for the sake of us getting a desperately needed vehicle or do we keep looking no matter how long to find a payment that better fits our budget so we can still save for the house, which has been our goal for like, Forever!!!!! It wasn’t what he said or the way he said it, but it was the expression on his face when he said we really needed to find that vehicle. Well, damn again!!!! Looking back on the situation, it was actually Mom who volunteered him; he said nothing. Of course, he could have spoken up and said, you know…that would be really hard on me, but he didn’t. So now I’m left feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, confused, agitated, sorry that I ever accepted that help from them in the first place. And to top it off, I feel that we’re going to be getting that car and my hopes of getting out of this place are being whacked to pieces. The really angering thing…I know how her mind works…In February or so I’ll hear again how I should be managing my money better, how I never should have allowed Honey all the freedom that he has, how I’ve messed things up, how I should have taken charge more, how I should have …and on and on. And I’ll take it all to heart as I usually do. I don’t know why I want her admiration and respect so much. Don’t know why it is important to me, but for some reason it is…

Talk about this being a messed up week.  Well, I do hope all of yours is going much, much better!!

Cheers!  ~MacKenzie

A simple thank you goes to Lucy who asked about blog birthdays. In looking mine up, I took a moment to read my first post again. Wow. In some ways, it seems so long ago when I wrote those words. I remember feeling hope that I might make a few connections with others out there, yet feeling my self esteem wobbling with nasty statements such as I was doomed to failure. Already I had been on meds for depression/anxiety for awhile. No, I haven't exactly written about that side of me. Instead I made the choice to fill myself up with focusing on the positive, thus I quote from what this blog is about: "My inner musings on teh ups and downs of my life and trying to keep a positive spin on this in the end..." I really needed a place to work out what is going inside of me. Currently, I only have PRN meds in case I really need them. Technically, my physician wants me on something else, but I'm refusing. I'd much rather try and work these things out on my own. The fact that I have not had to take anything for awhile gives me greater confidence that I eventually, I'll win out and will be able to live my life in the manner I want.

I really feel as if I have been able to accept more of myself as myself. Sometimes I feel as if I am in the process of reinventing myself. Then, after pondering the problem of why I'm not getting anywhere, I remember the answer I found awhile ago (didn't I mention somewhere along the way that I'm forgetful?!)...it's not reinventing, but finding myself again, my true self that has been there all the time waiting patiently for my inner eyes to open in the darkness again. There in the quiet of the dark, I'm not what anyone else wants me to be, but me. The more I touch that, the more real it feels, the more I become who I'm truly meant to be. It's nice. Some of the blogs I read...I find you amazing. Some of you have such a strong sense of yourself; you give me hope.

Unfortunately there's been no strides towards living that self reliant lifestyle that Honey and I dream of having someday. One step at a time, I guess.... I've spent the last three summers trying to grow sunflowers and I still have not been able to do it!!! But if I got everything I wanted instantly, where would the challenge be?

So it's with this thought that I stop yakking and begin the catch up phase with many of you again. Why does so much happen when ever I'm gone for the weekend Ha!

Sincerely ~MacKenzie

I have to admit, the last thing I want to do right now is to finish packing and leave for the family's cottage tomorrow. I needed a break right now though. After finding myself going down to the bathroom, standing stupidly in the middle of the room trying to think of what I wanted in the first place, to come out, remember and repeat the process two more times...I decided I really need a break. I'm almost done anyway. I'm glad that this is it for awhile. The last two months have been pretty busy and I'm actually looking forward to a slight change of pace that fall brings. Also...we are actually investigating possible preschool for the girls! Mom C heard of one starting up and said she was willing to pay the fees for the girls to go. She's a bit worried about Parrot as she thinks that Parrot is having a difficult time relating to other children. She needs the comfort and security of Monkey to make her feel at ease so she won't have a melt down (which occurred while playing in one of the playgrounds in Rhode Island). They are only turning three on the 11th... Well, we'll see what happens. We want to investigate the program a little more before making a final decision.

Well everyone, I do hope that you all have a great weekend. See you all when we get back!!!

Cheers! ~MacKenzie

Well, of course, when things seem okay, we are graced with yet another obstacle to plow through, leap over, push aside, pour acid over it, murder....or whatever other method would be the best to get it to just go away!!!! Complications this time come from Honey's work. Just when things were beginning to smooth out, his supervisor resigned yesterday morning. By afternoon, one of the "Higher-ups" in the agency was plowing through the program with a bull dozer.

Let's see...how do put this into picture... for starters.... There was Honey's supervisor who oversaw Honey's program (in the housing division) and this other Jerk's program. Now, Jerk here was willing to cut a few corners here and there, to let things slide. When Supervisor's division was given the task to over see some renovations to the building, she gave it to Jerk. Well, Jerk did no supervising of the project himself, allowed the contractor to run wild and in the end, the work was shabby, things were not up to code and miscommunications were everywhere. Frustrated, Supervisor turned to Honey and asked if he would take over. He agreed, but with the conditions that he ran things his way which meant a fully licensed electrician to come in and take care of electrical requirements, to have the wheel chair ramp built to code, etc. Well, when Honey took over and met with the contractor, with Honey's supervisor in tow, they almost lost the contractor because he was so mad at Honey, but Honey stood his ground. Later Supervisor told him she was relieved to have someone on board with the same work ethics as she.... She wanted to give the program higher standards (guess it was too much for her?) to work by.

okay... Well, elsewhere, this Higher-up who not many likes because what's okay for one is not for the other, he plays favorites, etc...Lets just say that his being not well liked is not just because he's the boss... Higher-up hired a person to come in and write a grant for more money to the housing program. It would have given the programs a huge boost. Writer was Higher-ups hand picked golden boy, apparently and was treated by Higher-up as such, even when two weeks ago, Writer let the deadline slip by with the grant uncompleted, and he's still working there!!! No one really knows why or what he's doing, but there's some fear Higher-up may already let Writer slip into the supervisor opening.

I said that to say that yesterday, already some of Honey's upcoming projects were questioned. As Honey tried to explain, his budget was approved and these projects were put into the works without taking into consideration of the upcoming grant money. It was all just very, very stressful. Honey felt that Supervisor was really one of the few that really had his back, that was willing to stand up with him and fight. Honey came home with such a bad headache yesterday.

He told me he did something. In the past that has not been the best way to start a conversation... but... While putting together his budget for his program, he had the opportunity to talk to several other divisions. He has had connections/acquaintences/contacts in agency even before he began working there. One of them told Honey a few weeks back that there was an opening in their division and they thought he should consider it because he would make a great asset to their team. He sent her an email yesterday asking for more information regarding the position.

I don't know quite how I think about all what's going on, except that he is so good at what he does now. He knows many ins and outs of building, renovating, insulation process. He has his journey man's apprentice in training certification in electricity and has been helping his father since a teenager to maintain the residental homes for his parents agency. It's part of the reason why I want to find an older home to renovate because I know we can do most of the work ourselves (Honey actually wants to build... At this point regarding our house, I think we are fairly game for anything as long as it is out of here! It's just all about the finances....)

On the other hand, first of all, this job pays more. It would get him out of Higher-ups division, and actually, today, he got a call from the person whose place he would take asking Honey to seriously think long and hard about coming aboard because he would be great at the job. In fact, while this other person was talking, he mentioned that they were on speaker phone and the one who was doing the hiring said hello and was hoping that Honey was really listening to this (this is what I mean by him having acquaintances and contacts already in the agency because he has known them for more than 8 years; he has a very good relationship with many in that division). This job would work his people skills, another of his natural talents. I have see my husband shift easily from person to person regardless of who they are from atheist to the Pope and any range within, any age, gender, background, from one to one talks, to those in a crowd with this amazing ability converse and make people feel at ease in the situation. He is a wonder to me because I am so opposite. I'm shy, introverted and being in crowd where something may be expected of me may cause a panic attack! Thank goodness he's a big guy so I can hide behind him in a crowd. I sort of plaster myself to his back and even now while thinking of it, my heart is beating faster, I think if I focused right now on being in a crowd alone, I would start seeing spots behind my eyes. It sucks, by the way... but...it's just another complication to living a "normal" life, I guess....

Ha! Wow, as I read back what I wrote, as I listen to the twinkle of my love's eyes through his voice over the phone, instinct tells me to prepare for him travelling much more extensively over the coming months. With this job he'd be on the road almost as much as he'd be putting in hours. A little nerve wracking, but if it makes him happy, there's not much arguement, is there. Less stress, greater pay, better working environment, longer travels (still no second vehicle yet). This should be very, very interesting.....

Thanks for listening to me ramble, yet once again. It was very nice to let flow whatever was going through this head of mine and it wasn't until I read it back that I saw the clear picture.

Cheers! ~MacKenzie

Hi Everyone! As you know, I read a lot. I have been reading a lot of poetry these days and decided that once a week I'd take a break from everything and jot down a recent poem I have found, a quote or two, an exerpt from a book I read, what not. Not only is it fun to share, but this will also help me keep track of some of the things from books that I would like to remember. And so.....

THE CHEERFUL WAY
by Mrs. Barbauld

Life! we've been long together
Through pleasant and through cloudy weather;
'Tis heard to part when friends are dear,
Perhaps 'twill cost a sigh, a tear.
Then steal away, give little warning,
Choose thine own time;
Say not "Good-night," but in some brighter clime
Bid me "Good-morning."

WHAT IS GOOD?
by John Boyle O'Reilly

"What is the real good?"
I asked in musing mood,
"Order," said the law court;
"Knowledge," said the school;
"Truth," said the wise man;
"Pleasure," said the fool;
"Love," said the maiden;
"Beauty," said the page;
"Freedom," said the dreamer;
"Home," said the sage;
"Fame," said the soldier;
"Equity," the seer.
Spake my hear full sadly
"The answer is not here."
Then within my bosom
Softly this I heard:
"Each heart hold the secret,
Kindness is the word."