Oh my goodness!!!!! I feel as if I'm going crazy! My life won't stop for a moment these days!!! This weekend we are going down to Rhode Island for a few days (I know I've mentioned that before....). This week is going to be full of cleaning the house in preparation to leaving, making a list of things we are going to need, the actual packing, and getting all the other little details taken care of. Honey told his parents last night that he wanted to leave the kids with them for a day and take me to Mystic Seaport as a little get away. That's cool! It will be nice to have him all to myself for a bit. When we get back, we unpack everything just to get clothes washed, before we pack again and go to the cottage in Canada for Labor Day and then on Sept 5, school starts. On September 11, the twinadoes will turn 3!!!! The next few weeks are going to be unbelievable!!!!

It doesn't help matters that I've had PMS for the past two weeks --straight. My body has decided to aggravate me by "being late". So, I know exactly what will happen...Saturday morning as we are loading the car...BANG!!! Then I'll get cramps which will lead to car sickness and I'll be grumpy dealing with all of THAT while trying to have a good time. But what can you do??

I liked Honey's reaction when he looked at me last night and asked, "What in the world is your problem these days?!!" I told him that if he was having hormone changes for about two weeks, he might be a little testy and grumpy as well. I further stated the late business. He looked at me and said that if he had had the vasectomy and still....he was going to be pissed!!! I must admit the look on his face... humorous to say the least. We were really careful the first month and a half... I think it's a pretty safe bet that the two times we ummmm...let our hearts rule our passions we still remain fairly safe. Even so, if the Divine was to slap me up side the head and say...HEY guess what?? Then so be it. If it was our destiny to have another child (OMGoodness if so...because it would be quite a pill to swallow, however...), we'd deal with it. It would not be the best scenario on how we want to live the next several years of our life, but we'd do it.

Do you hear that??? Right now if you were walking by my place, you would hear the gentle beat of music and the slight clutter of background noise of the girls...sharing and playing with Barbies peacefully with each other!!!! Yes, I think I am dreaming! Actually, last Friday, Mom C called and she asked to take the girls out to the beach that she and Papa had discovered. So I was childless for close to 5 hours!!!! It was amazing. I think for the first hour, I just wandered in a daze from room to room soaking in the quietness. It was strange and amazing. Oh, if only they would do that more often!!! I can't tell you how much I thanked them and explained how I appreciated the "time off." They said the girls were wonderful. In fact, they told us that when we have to return from Rhode Island on the 23, Pumpkin was more than willing to stay the week with them, and even if Monkey and Parrot seemed to want to stay, they might consider it. It is so tempting!!!! Instinct says not this time though for the twinadoes, so right now, that's what I'm going with.

Okay...the reappearance of the kids from the cave called their room tells me my time for conversation is at an end. (sigh) Ah well....at least I had a bit to begin with!!!!
Cheers! ~MacKenzie

The day is ending. Another one down, safe and sound. Nope, I didn't get as much as I wanted to done. But really, in the grand scheme of things....is the world going to come to an end? Well, I guess we'll find out tomorrow!

I was talking to Honey a little bit as well as to my Mom over the phone this afternoon about something floating around in my head. I told them that I thought I had lost my ability to multi-task. I used to be so good at it!!! I could be doing 7 things at once and by the end of the day. PRESTO! Accomplishment! Now, it seems if I even get two...I'm exhausted and amazed. If I can focus only on motherhood, its heaven. I love it. But it doesn't get the bills paid or the reports turned into the State, or the dirty dishes cleaned. It feels as if I focus on motherhood and household responsibilities, I can manage though it is a bit tougher. Suddenly I am in the middle of scrubbing the floor and the girls want me to fix Barbie's shoes or what not. So there may be some roughness, but I can do it and often I can get several of the goals I've lined out accomplished, or at least seconds away from being accomplished the following day. Motherhood and work...that's harder, but under the right circumstances, I can stumble though. The work/household combo, forget it if the girls are here. And trying to combine all three....I turn into a nutcase! It is the absolute worse punishment I can give myself. How I don't pull my hair out or fizzle down into a puddle, I'll never know. And why? Why on earth do I insist that maybe the next time I attempt it, it will be better?

My mom was awesome (trumpets sounding in the distance because, wow... she was right on board with me!). She stated that I do multi-task, it's just that the tasks are different, and some of the tasks are little steps that I won't even realize until the bigger picture in the future is revealed. I understand her answer, yet I don't quite perhaps comprehend? I see what she's saying but because I'm so stuck in the process, it's a bit difficult for me to believe. I need to think about it more. Honey, being a rather cynical, sarcastic individual anyway commented that we all change and if that's the way I am now, I needed to give myself time to learn, cope and bend to my current situation. Maybe I am trying to continue on my pre-children lifestyle and need adapt better. Whatever it is, it's annoying!!!! I don't want to change....I want to be my 7 tasks at once person with everything checked off at the end of the day. How's that for being stubborn???

On a completely unrelated side note, mom also told me that this was the first of two weeks that Jackass has my nieces and nephews for a "summer vacation." Sis is off to a 3 day conference with the possibility of a job promotion if she proves herself up to the task. Interesting. If it's what she wants, I really hope she gets it. On an other INTERESTING side note.... Sis told Mom that she's been spending a lot of time over at Jackass's best friend's (former best friend, actually...) house because sometimes he watches the kids over there, sometimes at her house. It is true...the last few times I've talked to her, his name has come up in the conversation....randomly...or maybe not.... I've actually talked to him over the phone when I've called her house but she hasn't gotten home from work yet. First impression was a nice one. Well, now this is an interesting little twist. When she gets back, he's asked her out on a date. I say, if he makes her happy, if he's good to the kids, if he can provide for her and give her the love and respect she deserves...I think I may have to start referring him to Sis's boyfriend. Oh the teasing a little sister can do..... hee hee!!!
Good night! ~MacKenzie

Good Morning! Wow! I woke up the morning and tried to stretch (the girls were in bed with me again) and suddenly a thought popped into my head. Crap! I think fall is coming! I took a deep breath again and yup...the slight stuffiness, the strange tickle at the back of my throat...oh man! Fall allergies! Isn't it too soon? And just the other day there was the faintest aroma in the air...fall. wow.... that was quick. Makes me want to hold onto the warmer weather even tighter!

I've been working on a post for the past three days titled Restlessness. Whether I'll post it or not, I'm not sure. The moods sway back and forth and maybe the mood I am in now is not the mood I was in while starting to write. But we'll see. I may just do it anyway. One thing that has come from my restlessness is I now have bright red hair! tee hee! It's....interesting. I have darker hair to begin with so when I decided to put in red streaks, I got a little carried away and now it looks more like I have red hair and darker streaks. Bad news...the red washes out in 8-12 washings...good news...I have more of it!!!!

When I am in this sort of mood, it is so hard for me to concentrate. Like butterfly nature, I flutter from flower to flower, never staying long. Well, trying to work or deal with the girls or just to stay focused on a task is frustrating, annoying, aggravating because I have to really settle down and focus on work. I got a strange feeling yesterday that my mother in law may want to talk to me about getting my work in sooner. Now...it could just be my conscious working, but man...if she did, that would really stink because although it would be coming from a work stand point, in this mood I know I'd receive it on a personal level. So, I'm trying to focus. However, I got on the computer this morning to start work early while the girls were still sleeping, and I ended up here!!!! How absolutely BAD is that!!!!

Well, conscious has kicked in again and I am going to completely log off the internet and try to focus at the task at hand. I don't know...I fear it may be a really long day!!!! EKKEEEKKKKKK!!!!

Cheers! ~MacKenzie

I have to say, thank goodness it's....Monday! Yesterday was one of those rotten days where you just want to go back to bed and forget it. It started out well enough. The girls released me from a "Mommy sandwich" (one on each side of me wanting to cuddle through the night) so I was able to actually stretch and relax from that cramped up position that somehow I had gotten into during the night. Honey got up with them, gave them cereal, put on a movie and came back to bed. We cuddled, we talked, we had time to be together, and then the girls realized....hey, we aren't getting attention here.... so we got up for the day.

Honey has applied for a loan for a new vehicle, which does make me quite nervous as I don't see how we can have another monthly payment, but then again, he's on the road a lot and needs a reliable vehicle, especially during the upcoming winter months. He's been using mine for the past couple of weeks because when he has to use his van, the strange sound from the engine is getting worse and worse. Sometimes there's an electrical smell, sometimes there's smoke. It's not a little fix. When the school year starts...in a month (A MONTH!!!! How did that happen?), I need a vehicle to take Pumpkin back and forth to school (the price we pay for taking her to a better school, believe me, it's worth it!). There's no one down this way to car pool or anything and even though Papa would probably do it if asked, we refuse to ask him because he has such a generous nature, he'd probably say yes, but then might feel aggravated with it, only to not say anything...well, you get idea...I don't have to explain. So, he decided to pop up to Ellsworth to see if there was anything in the lot of the car dealership he contacted. Did I want to go? Well, in the end I didn't because a) Pumpkin's booster seat is with her grandparents who went to the cottage this weekend, b)I would end up spending money I didn't have, and c)yes, I would end up spending more money we didn't have.....

Now what I didn't mention before was when I came out yesterday morning, I looked around and wondered who threw a party in my kitchen, living room, well, almost every room without me knowing!!?! Not sure what happened, but wow...this place really needs a clean sweep. So while he was gone, I started in the kitchen. I have to admit...I HATE cleaning the kitchen, for whatever reason. It was frustrating me so I changed rooms and headed for the bathroom. I picked up the clutter, I washed down the surfaces and cabinets, I scrubbed the tub and even washed down that tiny spot behind the toilet where yucky stuff tries to live. In the end, I swear, you could have eaten in the bathroom...not that anyone would have really wanted to...however... The bathroom was clean, I got the hallway all clean.... and I was TIRED!!!!!

Honey gets home. He wasn't able to get everything he wanted done...he's grumpy. And then for the rest of the afternoon, no matter what we did...we were snippy with each other. I think I'd almost rather have an all and out fight and get it over with before we do the whole snippy routine because it doesn't end! And with a fight you at least get to kiss and make up.... . But it wasn't meant to be yesterday. So I'm glad it's done and over with. Hopefully today when he gets home from work, things will be back to normal.

I didn't even have 15 minutes on line yesterday!!! It was horrible!!! So now, I think I may float along the stream and come visiting.....

Cheers!!! ~MacKenzie

While we were in Canada last weekend, I had "one of those moments" that I think I will never forget. I was feeling out of sorts, partially due to sleeping away from home, partially because Honey's family was there but he wasn't, partially towards the way Mom C was trying to make me feel, but I was fighting her off. So when it was announced we were going to the sand beach on the far end of the island, I really didn't want to go. But, I wanted to be with the girls and this beach really is pretty. So with a fake smile on my face and determination to do my best, off we went!

The waves that day were especially high and hearing them crash against the shore then the swish of them gently roll up onto the beach was such a calming sound to my soul. Monkey is not overly fond of the ocean, but is quite content to play in the sand so while others rushed down to the water, she and I "set up camp" and began to play in the sand. Eventually a few wandered back, but I was surprised to see that they had left little Parrot alone down by the water. If she had run out at the wrong time, if she had fallen and the undertow had gotten her...well, a lot of those ifs probably came from Mommie alert, but, I walked down to stick close to her while she was in the water. We were running in and out of the surf and then she spotted Pumpkin way down the beach so we ran down to see her.

On the way back, that's when it hit me. It was like I had walked into an invisible barrier, but it wasn't a barrier at all. It was like walking into a bubble. Oh, I can't explain it well at all. There two of my girls and I were running and laughing and splashing in the ocean, our toes turning numb with the coldness of the water, the shriek of us when one splashed the water just right and it got all over us. It was like we were all in the same age zone with one purpose in mind, to relax, to enjoy each other's company, to have a bit of fun. It was an instant moment of connection, instant magic between us. The only thing that would have made it better was if Monkey had joined us.

Eventually, the girls ran back to their grandparents and I was able to wander off down the beach again. The magic seemed to stay with me because all my senses seemed to remain in keen focus. I could feel the sun on my back (resulting in one horrendous sunburn....), the sand shifting under me as the water wrapped around my ankles. I heard the sound of the water and sea gulls from further down the beach, the sound of the girls squealing in delight as they played. I felt that special peace and contentment settle on my soul. It was good that I went off by myself because it was actually the only time I was able to walk on the beach alone all weekend. Usually I get a walk alone on the beach a day, but without Honey there and the strange undertones of the family last weekend, it just didn't happen this time.

While by myself on the beach, I couldn't take the smile off my lips even if I HAD to, which fortunately, I didn't. It's amazing how sometimes the Divine kind of encourages us through one means or another to stop and rest from our worries, our frustrations, even from ourselves. It was a gift that I was able to pull myself back in the Divine's creation and become one with it, if only for a few minutes. I did not feel alone on the beach, I felt as if the Divine were walking right along side me, quietly, holding my hand.

The really sad part? We drove back to the cottage and then the demands of life swirled around me again like darkening clouds. Mom C, although trying, I'm sure to be helpful, took charge and demanded this, this and this happen. The girls themselves had their own agendas and there's the typical chaos of returning from a trip with things to put away, bathroom trips, everyone bumping into each other as they settle in. And, I got lost in the process of doing this, that and the other. By the time I went to bed that night, aching from the burn and tired from running around like a crazy person, the feeling was pushed back to the further corners of my soul. While relaxing in bed before sleep caught up to me, I tried to get that feeling back. Although I felt it lurking, it was like trying to find the right key out of a thousand for a rusty lock. Let's just say sleep found me before the key did.

I think I have to figure out how to keep that connection in all areas of my life, not just on my solitary walks on the beach. Perhaps my soul is lacking that connection it so desires. For whatever reason, there's only so much I get out of the way I nurture my soul now. (yeah...bits and interrupted pieces of trying to learn and allow my soul to grow.....) Obviously, something more is needed if I am affected so much by that once moment. Now where the heck is that damn key....?

Cheers! ~MacKenzie