Well, I'm starting to regret my decision to go to the cottage this weekend. Work stuff came up and now I have to focus on that first before I pack our stuff to leave this weekend. So, I'm planning to work my rear end of to finish up work stuff and pack so I can get back on later this afternoon and "surf". Fortunately, God-daughter is here and she is excellent with all the girls. That is going to be a big help! "See" ya soon!
Cheers! ~MacKenzie

“Beware of the quiet person. Within lies their strength-not without.” –Janice Walsh

“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” -Proverbs 4:23

“We all live under the same sky, but we all don’t have the same horizon.” –Konrad Adenauer

“Anger is a short madness which casts the judgment and the graces into disarray, and makes us commit such follies as amaze us, when the paroxysm has passed by.” –Anthony Grumbler

“Grief is the deepest wound you will ever have. Like a cut finger, it goes through its stages and leaves a scar.”

“The secret of seeing is to sail on solar wind. Hone and spread your spirit, till you yourself are a sail, whetted, translucent, broadside to the merest puff.” -Annie Dillard

“We are the stars which sing.
We sing with our light.
We are the birds of fire.
We fly over the sky.
Our light is a voice
We make a road
For the spirit to pass over.” -Passamaquoddy Chant

“The conclusion is always the same: love is the most powerful and still the most unknown energy of the world.” -Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Have a great Day!
Cheers! ~MacKenzie

Well, here I am again today. My mind is racing a hundred miles a minute. I'm feeing rather chatty today, actually. Hopefully you'll make sense of this post, but maybe not. And if you get confused at any time....that's all right.... I probably did too along the way....

Okay.... here's another thing I knew from my inner musings, but did not want to admit to myself/ deal with. Body/health/fitness. yuck! It's time for me to start dealing with that again. No, not my half assed stretching and a few crunches in the morning....which because I'm not putting a whole lot of effort into it anyway are not working. Basically it's like this: I don't really care how others view my body; I am what I am and if they can't see past physical appearances to the true Inner Fire, how good of a friend are they really going to be? If you look at pictures of my family you will notice a common trait of big hips followed by a padded behind and thighs to match. I say we are very....curvy! And that's okay. In at the waist, out at the hips. Anyway... for about 6 years I've had what most would call a desk job. I write reports on a computer (really, really yucky State reports, but, it's a living). Also in the past 6 or so years is when I've had 3 of my kids. I've been on the go and not really watching what I've eaten or what not. It's time to start paying a little more attention to myself. I don't care about my looks, I don't care about how much weight I may or may not loose. But health and fitness, well....that's where the tough part comes in. My Dad died of an instant (snap of the fingers) heart attack when he was 55, like 3 of his brothers and his father. (it was the way he wanted to go though...no sickness, no medication just BAMM....you're gone) My maternal grandmother has all sorts of heart problems, my mom has been diagnosed with angina and she can get really short of breath. My maternal grandfather had several strokes before the cancer from his smoking finally caught up with him. I don't want to be in my 80's and be an invalid! I don't want to sit in a chair all day long because any movement will cause me pain (other than the normal aches and pains of the end of your life). I want to enjoy all of life to its fullest so I guess I had better insure that future by starting now. And I'm not the only one who could use a little ...ummm...shaping up. Last night I looked at Honey and basically ordered him to go spend at least 15 minutes on the tread mill. If I had to start getting in better fitness, then damn it, I was not doing it alone. Since his "desk job" he's already putting on a few pounds...I don't want to live a wonderful fulfilling life alone after all!!!! He grumbled...he growled...he gave me really dirty looks...but in the end, he stayed on the treadmill longer than what I asked of him. Today I walked over two miles. Later on this afternoon I'll do my stretches and crunches like I've been working into my routine for a few weeks now. But, I'll try to do it with more zeal and determination. I will think of honey's great grandmother. She was in her 90's when she passed on. The year before she died, she went to Arizona to visit her grand-daughter. The year before that she was in Florida. She traveled; she did crafts, she kept herself busy. Sure she had her aches and pains, but she never let it stop her. THAT is how I want to live life. I am going to remember her as I do this.

And it was nice because when I was walking this morning, I had so much time to think. (It helps having someone here to watch the girls.....) I thought about my conversations with two other people about starting an....gulp...adult blog.... Well, you know....Honey and I have been talking about the differences in sexual behavior in men and women. I thought in the 13 years that I have known him...well, that I KNEW him....but I'm discovering things. I'd like to get others imput, too. Well, plus a little creative fantasy tale never hurt anyone either. I dont' really know why people clam up so much about sex. It's a natural thing...very intimate, true.... well, I'm still thinking anyway.... it's been going through my head...

This weekend it looks like I am going to be going to the family cottage with the girls. Mom C and Papa invited Pumpkin to go with them and also told me that we were more than welcome to join them. Unfortunately, Honey has to work this weekend. So, it'd be very strange to go without him, but I think I'm going to do it. I really need a break from the girls and I really think the girls will benefit from a change of scenery. We'd leave on Friday and drive back on Monday. Honey said to go ahead. He has to work on Friday. He was thinking of going to Bangor on Saturday, Sunday he'd be on his own...but then back to work on Monday. They say that being apart for a bit is a good thing.....I just don't like the one to be doing the leaving....even if it is only a few days.

Hey! Some of you may remember awhile ago I was complaining that I hadn't had any dreams for awhile. FINALLY...last night I know for sure I had one. I think I had one or two last week, but I couldn't remember them so maybe...maybe not. This one was rather interesting though. I like dream analysis. It's amazing how the mind works. Basically, I was going to be staying at a university. I started off in a classroom and I needed to find a room to stay in so I wandered all over campus looking for my room. The real interesting thing is, though that everyone I met, every one I saw was dead. Not ghosts, but like zombies or partially decayed, skulls sticking though, skin hanging off. Like a Shawn of the Dead, Land of the Dead maybe Pet Sematary sort of feel to the dream. Fortunately, they left me alone! Never did find my room though. If I was to make a guess on the interpretation, based on some of the research I have done on dream interpretation (awhile ago...), I would say that being at a university represents my quest for higher knowledge. I start off in a classroom so maybe I need greater knowledge in something...maybe in myself. Perhaps I'm searching for new ideas, or am trying to make new discoveries about myself. That rather fits with yesterday's post, doesn't it. Or, maybe because everyone is dead, I'm trying to rid myself of old ideas? Or, I could be totally wrong... and that's okay too. Okay....I think I have bored you enough today. I have to change the laundry around, clear up the dishes and do some cleaning in my really nasty bathroom. ah well. Do hope to check in with your blogs later!
Cheers! ~MacKenzie

Tonight I am watching my husband play with the three girls. He is acting like a complete and utter goof ball and getting quite a laugh out of them. I love it. I love watching him interact with them. I love listening to all three of them giggle at once. I love being able to have a few moments to myself while he takes over for a bit. I know I've said it before and I know I'll say it again, but Honey is such a wonderful Dad. He's exhausted, but yet, there he is slapping himself on the top of the head in time to Loop-tee-do to be rewarded by his girls. Last Friday was his company's annual picnic. It was held in a State park and we left in the morning during a thunderstorm (employees are required to attend...). No, I was not too optimistic, but by the time we got there, the rain had settled down to a managable light on again off again pitter patter on the umbrellas. Then the rented bounce house was set up. We barely saw Monkey for the rest of the day! At first she was really hesitant to enter, but once she did, she had so much fun! I was proud that she would be so daring to enter a confined area with a bunch of strangers, kids tthat they were. Little Parrot took one step in and started howling! She absolutely hated it! Just another example of their complete and opposite personalities. People think that because they are twins they have to look alike, act alike and dress alike. We are doing our best to "educate the public" that they are two separate people with separate identities, likes and dislikes. If only they would just see rather than assume. Fortunately the weather gave us some sun, so it made the day pleasant with an ever so slight ocean breeze blowing in. What was really nice is that I knew a few of Honey's co-workers. One, in fact is a very close friend of mine from high school. After graduation, I went off to college and she stayed here, married and after a year or two, had a baby girl. We remain friends, but our paths have just separated. I feel so lucky though that we can always pick up where we left off. We had plenty of time to catch up and when her husband left with her 11 month old son, I invited her to sit with us. She didn't want to impose...I turned and looked at her: "Good grief! I haven't changed that much, have I?" She smiled. "No, no you haven't...." and with a chuckle from both of us, we gathered up her things and had our own little high school reunion. Honey's best friend's wife also works for the agency so Honey, his friend, Tammy our friend and myself caught the best friend's wife with our relationship and all the ridiculous stunts we pulled...like Best Friend, Tammy and I waiting for Honey and going behind the ...Ames I think it was...parking lot and doing donuts in his little red sports car. I loved it...Tammy hated it. I remember her hitting me when I told him to do it again. We didn't. When we were alone, she was watching Honey with the girls. She turned to me and asked if Honey was a good father. I told her he was the best. She said she knew it back then that he would be. It was wonderful to catch up with her. She knows where I live and I told her she had an open invitation to stop in any time. I sure hope she takes me up on the offer. Okay...the girls have GOT to get to bed!!!!! Oh the ramblings in my head..... it's fun!
Cheers! ~MacKenzie

I know I have been very quiet this week. I've been spiraling inwards to do a little reflection of my life, my universe, and everything. I feel a change in my life coming. I don't know quite what it is; I'm not even really sure if I'm going to like it or not, but it's coming regardless so I might as well grin and enjoy it. It feels....odd...weird... I feel off, but somehow it's okay. I'm actually quite interested to see exactly how this plays out.

When I was feeling a little lost, my path beyond my line of sight, and I did a lot of searching to try and find myself, I met a woman who has a very "new age" philosophy (to some, I know it’s not new age at all, but me with my childhood Christianity background, it was). She took a little bit of this religion, a little bit of that, and more of what not over there and mixed it all up into a pot that she calls her own religion. Personally, I now find I like something a little more structured as far as my own spirituality goes, but back then, I was searching...at that moment in time, I yearned for different ways of findng myself again. She believed in animal totems. Eventually, my curiosity and my need to find something, to feel something again got the better of me and together we figured out my nine animal totems...for north, south, east, west, above, below, left side, right side and within. As a seeker of knowledge, I did some research on these different animals/insects/birds and for the most part, they ring true with what I feel "fits" with my make up. All except one... one, I really think we got wrong. And I do know what it is supposed to be.... But anyway, I said all that to say that the animal to my left was an eagle. I have always loved eagles as a child. From my bedroom window of the house I grew up in, I could look out overour back yard, past the shrubs, across the road to see the river that flowed past filling my summer nights with the faint sounds of rippling water and mostly in the winter I could see the eagles hunting in the river. One of my childhood crushes drew me a beautiful eagle as a present. I still have it, somewhere. (pack rat...I know!! ) When we moved when I was in high school, it was also by a river. Unfortunately it, too, did not border our property, and there were trees mostly blocking it, but out our kitchen window, I discovered an eagle's perching tree. When Honey and I had to move back home after my grandfather died, my mom moved in with my grandmother, letting us live in her house. She paid the taxes, we paid everything else. It was a good arrangement. Anyway, we learned that across the river marsh, where no one can get to, an eagle couple had built an amazing nest. The eagles were still there and I had the opportunity to closely observe them. I could sit on our porch and listen to the mating couple "talk" back and forth as they sat in the tree overlooking the river. We watched them teach their young and it was always amazing to see three, once four flying around. Accepting the eagle was quite easy for me, needless to say. To my right, it was a butterfly. It took time for me to relate to that one, but now if I look at my life in relation to a butterfly, from birth throughout my teen, even college years I can relate to the caterpillar stage. Over the past several years, I have had to dig deep inside myself to grow, to find courage, to accept myself for who I am, not what others wish me to be. I used to live my life the way other people wanted me to. In the end, I became completely unhappy and unsatisfied with myself. I learned some of life’s lessons; I began to grow. I have cocooned myself in order to do what I need to grow and transform myself to be able to experience life in its full potential. Christianity states we should look for Biblical truths and solutions in times of difficulty. I don’t have a problem with that. I will admit though, that when I sit out on the bench swing and pray or meditate, I feel so much closer, have much more clarity in the end. When the Creator made the world around it, He called it good. I think there are lessons to be found and learned from nature. There are for me, anyway. I know that possibly sounds offensive to some. To take my own pieces of what I’ve learned and try and piece it all together in my make-up into what I feel is right goes against the mindset that one way is the only way. I write this and all though I feel a bit of dread of what some might think, I know I will still post it. It's all a learning process, and I'm still learning, growing...becoming. I can't wait to see what life has in store for me. Maybe one day when I truly, fully start living for myself, maybe one day when I actually do figure it all out, one way or the other, some day… I’ll break out of my chrysalis and then I’ll be able to fly. thanks for listing to my cluttered thoughts!
Cheers! ~MacKenzie