When the girls were younger, we all enjoyed watching Veggie Tales. I don't quite know who liked the show more... Honey and I or the girls.....

Dance of the Cucumber


That's right... singing vegetables. And we can sing along with every word

From the Silly Song Countdown video: The Hairbrush Song


just one more..... The Water Buffalo




On a different note, today is all about trying to find focus again. Things that have been put on the back burner for the past week and a half now need to be taken care of. This is the school's April vacation week. There's been no structure let alone anything else. Actually I think the kiddos have been with Mom C and Papa mostly this week. Today was supposed to be an adjustment back to the daily ole routine. More than once I've sent the girls to play in different areas of the house today before they tackle each other in frustration.

And unfortunately, tomorrow there were plans made for Mom C, the girls and I to go and visit Mema. Mom is still planning on taking them no matter what and making sure that at least they have lots of fun during one day of vacation. I feel so torn. I haven't been to see Mema since before Christmas, not that she really cares with the Alzheimers and all, but still... I do. I'm just a stranger now with a smile who likes to sit with her and chat. Mom is planning on taking Mema and the girls out for ice cream. She can't watch all three girls and Mema at the same time. I would be nervous all day. Family obligation alone says I should go.

Oh... but to have a moment of peace and quiet. A few moments to myself. Time to ponder and not have to worry about... anything. How blessed that would be. I could complete a task from beginning to end without having to stop a zillion times to break the girls apart or have to pick up crumbs or put a stop to the fussies. I could play whatever music I wish as loud as I wish. I so want to jump at the chance. Sigh.....

I just have to look at the positive side of things. We'd all be out of the house. Hopefully being out of the house we'd all have a better time because we'd be active doing fun things. We'd be having dinner at a restaurant, which everyone enjoys. Mom wants to take us all to the roller skating rink, too. That would be fun. Perhaps a scene change focused on fun would do us all some good.



Also.... a very sincere

to all of you who left comments and sent prayers and warm thoughts our way this past week. I hope to get back to each of you soon!!!



Have a great afternoon!
Cheers! ~MacKenzie

Deep breath in... let it out.


It's a little hard to realize that after nearly 12 long hours, suddenly you are sitting on the bed next to and holding the hand of a deceased person. To look down and physically see your grandmother's image and know that she's just not there anymore...... I watched her passing in a wash of vivid bright colors.

While waiting (and it was a long wait) to perform one of her final requests, I sat for a long while and just stared at the moon. It's so beautiful out there tonight.



Nana... no hearing aids, no cane, no glasses, no pain. I feel you in my soul dancing a lively tune with your family. Please give a special hug to our son from me. Thanks too for leaving a light on for us so we wouldn't have to go into a darkened house.

With Love, Nana~ MacKenzie



See you all sometime next week!!!

On the Inner Sanctum yesterday, Polar B issued a challenge to reveal a few things that others might not know about you. Challenge, huh??? So after leaving my answers over there, I thought it would be good to also bring them home to the Inner Fire. And, I added one or two as well.....

1) I'm left handed.

2) I love History, especially all the cultural and social changes from the late Georgian period right through Victorian times.

3) err... I started to want to learn more about those historical periods from my interest in "trashy" romance books. ummm hummm.... I love the feeling of falling in love and happily ever afters.

4) I have always lived in Maine. To be more specific, I have always lived in Eastern Maine, most of it spent right here in Washington County, which is as far East in the US as you can get..... AND, if I had my choice on living anywhere, I would probably still continue to live in Maine. However I'd probably move to the mid-coast region, only because there's more cultural events and opportunities there.

5) My favorite thing to drink is flavored water or ice tea~ sun brewed with a little sugar is best.

6) Unlike our Fabulous Mrs. Doubtfire... , when it comes down to it... I'm not the best of cooks. (sigh.....) Heaven knows I try, though. Casseroles and crock pot meals are the best because you don't have to time everything out. I hate having cold meat, burning hot potatoes and lukewarm veggies I am pretty fair at baking sweets, however..... fudge brownies, anyone?

7) When I was a young girl I fell off a 15 foot stone wall. After waking up from blacking out, my mom rushed me to the doctor to discover that one of the bones in my right forearm was really bent out. Not broken, just a freaky bend. I still remember the bone sort of poking upwards under my skin. I had to have a cast most of the summer and that was nasty.....

8) I was a real loner growing up. Most of my friends either moved away or sort of turned on me for other friends in the end. When your supposed best friend's mother comes up to you and APOLOGIZES to you for the way her daughter is treating you... well, you just know something is wrong... unfortunately at the time I really thought it was me.

9) Thus saying that, its still hard to truly open up as I always feel rejection looming in the pit of my stomach. Taking the "next step" in any relationship can be very difficult for me. Sharing deeper stuff can literally make me sweat, which is odd, considering some of the stuff that I put on my blog.

10) I don't really care for computer games (hand and eye coordination problems.... ), but I do absolutely LOVE playing the game Sims 2. I just like using the money cheat and building all sorts of fun themed or elaborate houses and grounds. tee hee.....

11) I'm tired of living the safe, boundary confined life. I'm starting to get a little adventurous, crazy streak now that I'm older....

12) If I had extra cash, I'd probably buy lots and lots of fun jewelry with it.....

13) Although I enjoy your every day sense of humor, I enjoy the darker side as well. I like some of the drier "British" sense of humor and just love Monty Python, Absolutely Fabulous, Are you being served and Fawlty Towers. I've actually done youtube blog posts before, but erased them before I put them up. There are some things that technically you just should NOT laugh at, but I do... and only feel guilty about it some of the time....

14) I can't leave the list at 13. I guess I am slightly superstitious. If I spill salt, I throw a little of it over my shoulder. I NEVER walk under ladders if I can help it. Never make the bed on Fridays because it may cause bad dreams. Always, ALWAYS get out of the bed the same side I got in it to preserve my good luck from yesterday. Oh yes.... if you have a stray eye lash on your face, put it on your finger make a wish and blow. If it blows off, your wish will come true. Yup, I feel another blog post coming on..... tee hee

15) I'm not scared of the supernatural.

Wouldn't you like to play, too and leave one or two things that might not be known about you???? Or, maybe you've been to PB's and posted it on your blog, or left it with her. Leave a hello and tell me where to find it. I'll come over for a visit.


On another note: Nana had another fairly comfortable night last night. When I went down to visit, two nurses helped her to the bathroom and she also sat up along side her bed to eat her dinner last night. However, she cried the entire time eating it because it tasted so awful, but the hospital wants to watch her diet carefully now, too. In that regard, I really, really do feel for her. She complains of being hungry, but can't find anything to satisfy her. I did notice she ate her fruit cocktail right up so I think I'll take some to her. We are all leaning back in our chairs now, taking deeper, gentling breaths, still in amazement that she's with us.

Have a great day, Everyone!
Cheers! ~MacKenzie

I didn't know why but yesterday afternoon I kept thinking about my mom off and on. I had a lot of nervous energy, too. It was nearly 6:00 last night and we were getting ready to go to Pumpkin's spring concert when the phone rang. The first ring hadn't even finished when I was trying to reach the phone because I knew it was my Mom. No hello, just a "Mom, what's going on?"

I knew that Nana hadn't been feeling well. When Mom and I talked Monday I suggested that she call the doctor. He said he wanted to see Nana yesterday at 11:30. A little after 9 yesterday morning, Mom called the ambulance because she knew something was wrong. They was in the ER for most of the day before finally being transferred into intensive care.

I feel so bad! Pumpkin was disappointed that I wasn't going to go to her concert. And then, as I was getting ready to leave, Honey looked at me and said he was going with me. I said no, he insisted; he won. For the record, I would have been fine, although his presence beside me was pretty darn nice.....

We arrived at the hospital and found the room. I see my Mom and... Niagara Falls. Damn... and I wanted to be strong. She really looked like hell, though... understandably. Making a joke, I told her I was fine until I saw her. She laughed and said she had been fine until she started dialing my number! Poor Mom. She hadn't eaten all day. We picked her up a sandwich that I thought she could never finish on our way to see her, and wouldn't you know, she devoured the whole thing.

Nana had been sleeping but woke after we were there for about 15 minutes. At first she seemed to know what was going on. As we talked, though, you could see her getting a little agitated and fretful. So after 4 heart attacks yesterday, the last two of them nearly fatal, she throws the covers back, with strength mind you, and tells Mom it's time to go home. She was determined! It was all we could do at first to keep her still and then the monitors started doing funny things so the nurse came in. We did our best to calm her down and get her to understand that she was in the hospital (She thought mom had taken her to a nursing home while she slept) and she needed to stay there the night. Finally Mom thought that if we left she might find it easier to go to rest and get some sleep.

Mom hates driving at night now so I drove her home with Honey behind us. We got there with the intention of just making sure she had everything she needed, but when she invited us in, there was just something in her tone of voice. After she yawned once or twice, we came home.

The doctors last night didn't have much to say one way or the other. They wanted to observe her during the night. They wanted to see that she was comfortable, although they didn't want her to have too much pain medication. And she was still feeling uncomfortable. That bothers me. I should have said something. I had the words almost in my head, but the tone of voice was down right mean and I was trying to re-word my concern for her needing medication in more appropriate wording. I guess I just have to trust that if the nurses felt more medication was needed, they would do something about it.

So it's another day of nervous energy playing the waiting game. Honey and Mom C and Papa all have things that have to be done today. I don't feel comfortable taking the girls to the hospital with me with many unknown factors. I really wish I could be there, though. I called Mom earlier this morning. She said that Nana had a few more problems during the night, but didn't ask specifics. That's my mom. I, however, want Details!!!!! I want to ask questions and make sure I understand things clearly. I called the hospital just a few minutes ago, but her attending nurse currently wasn't available. I'll call again in a little while. To be honest, I'm more worried how this is going to effect Mom than anything else. She didn't sleep very well and her getting some sleep and rest is very important now, too.

Nana and I just have clashing personalities. That woman drives me insane! And yet she's my grandmother, my family. Sometimes, I think learning what not to do is just as important as learning what to do. From that standpoint, she has taught me a lot, and I am very grateful for that. For all the craziness she throws my way, there are some good moments in there, too. I guess we are just going to wait and see how this all plays out. I don't know quite what else to say except, quick! somebody tell a joke!!

Cheers! ~MacKenzie

Destiny: a belief based on the concept that there are predetermined events in ones life that are unchangeable. A certain course of events have already been laid out for our lives since before birth, some believe by the Divine. A few interesting catch phrases of destiny~~ "It was meant to be" "It was simply meant to happen" "They were destined from birth to.... " "No one knows what their destiny will be" "What will be will be"

Chance: randomness, an unexpected or unplanned occurrence, an accident. Catch phrases of chance: "They decided to chance it" "Chances are, it's not going to happen" "The chances look good" "They needed a chance to rest" "I'm not taking any more chances" "A small chance of success"



At this point in my life, I still don't know if life is all about destiny or chance. When I started my blogging "career" was it destiny that found me here on blogstream? Before I was born was it programmed into my timeline that I would need to blog, that I would test a few different sites before coming "home" to blogstream? Was it destiny that said you and I would meet? If so, are you in my life for a purpose or just along for the ride? If you are here on purpose, does that mean you will leave just as quickly as you came?

Was it destiny that we were to loose a son or that a surprise pregnancy would turn into twins? Was it destiny that I needed to loose my father at a time I needed him most? Is it destiny that I seem to kill every darn houseplant that I try desperately to keep alive? (Please, keep your fingers crossed for our current one....) Is it destiny that is saying that my family and I are supposed to be right here in this spot at this point in time?

Or is life all some bizarre random irregularities of an unfinished Shakespearean play? On the way home from wherever, I remember that we are getting low on milk. It could possibly wait until tomorrow, but I opt for stopping at a store and picking some up. While there, I see a person whom I haven't spoken to for ages. We catch up, have an uplifting conversation and then go on our way again. Destiny or chance?

I often say that life is what it is. Am I saying that life follows destiny or do we go along the flow of the chances that we come upon, .....possibly provided by ...destiny?????

Is life a mixture of both chance and destiny???? oh the thoughts that wander through one's head. Sometimes I truly belive that this is all chance. Those are the times when I probably feel most in control of my life and where it is going. Other times, destiny just seems to make sense. It seems too brilliant to be a product of chance. How is it possible that the right person at the exact moment is there with just the right words that I so desperately needed to hear? Unless they were an angel in disguise, my mind just flips through all the possibilities. I think that for some reason, some questions just aren't meant to be answered.


Photobucket photo

Cheers! ~MacKenzie